Members BetsyD Posted August 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 It seems to me that 90% of the time I tell someone (generally a stranger) that I lost my beloved husband, I have to hear about how they just lost a mother, a friend, a cousin's cousin...and they just can't listen, or just say "I'm sorry for your loss". I know maybe it is their way of trying to show they get that I am grieving, but really? I am very sorry, but having lost both of my parents, as sad as I was, it is NOTHING compared to the loss of my partner of 40 years. I don't want to be rude, but I really do wish they would just listen - just say nothing if they don't know what to say. But don't put me in the position of being the one to express sympathy. Maybe that is really really selfish of me, but it doesn't help me at all to hear their story...as I said, it is generally a stranger - so I just move on, but I am wondering how you all deal with this and if you experience the same thing. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 2, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 I realize they are trying to relate but you are right, I've lost both of my parents, one when I was young, one just four years ago, and it was NOTHING like losing my husband! For one thing, we expect to lose our parents someday, I wasn't living with my parents, my husband was the one I turned to for everything, love, talking things over, doing half the chores, sharing the financial burden, cuddling, EVERYTHING! We did EVERYTHING together! Losing him impacted my entire life. Your parents you miss, but it doesn't hit you on every level of your existence. Not the same. I think I'd point out the differences or maybe just shake my head. Sometimes I wonder why people open their mouths, but maybe that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted August 2, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 2 hours ago, KayC said: Your parents you miss, but it doesn't hit you on every level of your existence. Not the same. Not the same AT all - even my older daughter, who was bonded to Tom and devoted to him and adored him...she is suffering terribly through all of this, and she is the one who just had the baby, so it is hitting her on all different levels of loss...she said to me "I was his daughter - you were his life"...even SHE gets it! 2 hours ago, KayC said: Sometimes I wonder why people open their mouths, but maybe that's just me Nope,not just you - as I said, I would rather get a nod or a "look" than a story sometimes. Thanks for understanding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Miye Posted August 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 I hear you, has happened to me, like I have a close friend and every time I tell her something about how I feel she goes: - It's normal. Every single time. I have stopped talking about it with her . She's not a widow. How would she know. I know she doesn't mean wrong. Nor does other people. I really only talk about it with my mom, I am planning to start seeing a counselor. Sometimes I want to comment on posts I read but I don't cause I am afraid of being insensitive and I just don't mean that at all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 13 hours ago, Miye said: Sometimes I want to comment on posts I read but I don't cause I am afraid of being insensitive and I just don't mean that at all You're going through it so I doubt you'd be insensitive because you get it! You're one of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Spengler Posted August 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 It is so unbelievably difficult to feel and understand someone else's loss and pain unless you are feeling the very same loss and pain. I know I wouldn't have been able to fully empathize with someone who had lost their partner before I lost my wife. "Sorrow is knowledge: those who know the most must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth, the Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life." -- Byron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Miye Posted August 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 @KayC I said that because I know grieving is personal and different for everyone. Sometimes I want to be empathic, but it's not like i know what to say. I just open my heart and feel their pain of losing their soulmate, their life partner, the father of their children ...because that is my pain too. Thank you for being so kind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 4, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 8 hours ago, Miye said: I just open my heart and feel their pain of losing their soulmate, their life partner, the father of their children ...because that is my pain too. Then that is what you say. It is the soul who has been there that understands...you are one of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted August 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2018 On 8/2/2018 at 7:22 PM, Miye said: like I have a close friend and every time I tell her something about how I feel she goes: - It's normal. A new acquaintance of mine, upon reading what I posted on Facebook today, had a great response: I wrote: "PSA: In answer to your question about how I am doing and how my day has been going - I am doing the best I can and my day is going as well as possible. Please stop reminding me how hard everything must be for me. It just makes it worse. Just be glad I am doing my best, since that's all anyone could possibly expect of me." Her reply? "Grief is personal and fluid not textbook and linear. It can be uncomfortable and difficult to be the friend but people need to remember this isn't about them... this is your time. Be whatever you are today about it. I am no expert. I haven't lost a 40 yr life partner but I have had my share of grief and loss. You are gracious to share this." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Miye Posted August 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2018 @BetsyD Excuse me, English is not my first language, is it me or She just doesn't seem to get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted August 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2018 @Miye I thought she got it really well and I very much appreciated her reply. She was very supportive of what I had said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Miye Posted August 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2018 @BetsyD I feel a little silly, but i'm very glad for you. It's always a blessing to have good friends we can count on. thank you and good night, see you around ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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