It's coming up to a year..

[Darkangel99]

So it's coming up to a year since my fiancee died and I'm still struggling so bad..I miss everything about him, there's just a massive void in my life, I miss the life we lived together. Everyone tells me oh pain isn't going to bring him back and you should move on but it isn't some break up, we had 3 wonderful years together and had our own place everything was perfect and then I fucked up by not saving him (I witnessed him dying from cardiac arrest and I just was screaming for him to wake up thinking it was a joke instead of calling the ambulance, I called them when it was too late) there's just so much regret. I'm only 19 and the thought of living the rest of my life without my soulmate is so unbearable as I know I'll never have the connection I had with him with anyone else as he was just unreal and perfect in so many ways. What do I do:(

[LeannC45]

41 minutes ago, Darkangel99 said:

So it's coming up to a year since my fiancee died and I'm still struggling so bad..I miss everything about him, there's just a massive void in my life, I miss the life we lived together. Everyone tells me oh pain isn't going to bring him back and you should move on but it isn't some break up, we had 3 wonderful years together and had our own place everything was perfect and then I fucked up by not saving him (I witnessed him dying from cardiac arrest and I just was screaming for him to wake up thinking it was a joke instead of calling the ambulance, I called them when it was too late) there's just so much regret. I'm only 19 and the thought of living the rest of my life without my soulmate is so unbearable as I know I'll never have the connection I had with him with anyone else as he was just unreal and perfect in so many ways. What do I do:(

I am sorry for your loss. I too have carried guilt over what I did/didn't do when my husband passed away. He passed away from cardiac arrest from the flu/pneumonia.  I will probably always feel like if I only would have called 911 sooner or ran and sat beside him instead of standing there in total shock not comprehending what was happening. I don't know how to let those emotions go I guess over time I have to forgive myself for not reacting better. How could we though someone we loved was passing away right in front of us. It is all so hard. Life is so precious and beating ourselves up doesn't help. Sorry I know this probably doesn't help but I do feel exactly the same.

[Darkangel99]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

I am sorry for your loss. I too have carried guilt over what I did/didn't do when my husband passed away. He passed away from cardiac arrest from the flu/pneumonia.  I will probably always feel like if I only would have called 911 sooner or ran and sat beside him instead of standing there in total shock not comprehending what was happening. I don't know how to let those emotions go I guess over time I have to forgive myself for not reacting better. How could we though someone we loved was passing away right in front of us. It is all so hard. Life is so precious and beating ourselves up doesn't help. Sorry I know this probably doesn't help but I do feel exactly the same.

No don't be sorry it helps me realise that the guilt will always be there, but how can we stop beating ourselves up when you just get flashbacks of that night and what happened? It's like living in a nightmare. 

[Elle N]

17 hours ago, Darkangel99 said:

No don't be sorry it helps me realise that the guilt will always be there, but how can we stop beating ourselves up when you just get flashbacks of that night and what happened? It's like living in a nightmare. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the same, with the guilt thing. My fiancé took his own life while I was away for the weekend. I knew he wasn’t well before I went and I didnt want to go but he had insisted i went as it was his best friends fiancés hen party and he didn’t want to let her down. I told him I would come straight back if he needed me and he told me he’d be fine, just needed to get some sleep. But now I know he only went down hill after I left and he always felt safe with me and I wasn’t there to look after him when I should have been. His mum didn’t really understand what  he was going throu and gave him a hard time I’ve since found out, even telling him not to get in touch with me as ‘she can’t do anything while she’s away’ I feel this guilt all the time. I know that doesnt help you either but just wanted you to know your not alone with that. 

I don’t know if you get this said to you much as your young too (I’m 30) but I have people saying all the time ‘oh your young you’ll meet someone else’ I just want to scream at them that my fiancé was my soul mate and world! I don’t want to meet anyone else. Same as you I will never connect with someone the way I did with him. Nobody has the right to tell you that you shouldn’t be hurting either, until they’ve been throu it themselves they can’t imagine that pain your having to live throu everyday! 

Sorry for the long reply!

Take care xx

[Tamimi]

My husband also died of cardiac arrest 5 months ago.  Sometimes I wish I could have been his hero to revive him while giving him CPR so we could have had that second chance.  I'm pretty sure he was already gone by the time the ambulance arrived though.  The thing with sudden death like we experienced is there was no chance for a final goodbye,  no final kiss or hug.  One minute they are in your life and everything is fine and next minute your whole life changes. It's so hard.  I don't have magic words to make the pain go away, but I know the pain you are living with.

[KayC]

My husband was in the hospital when he suffered his fatal heart attack, I ran for help and they swarmed in, working on him, still didn't save him, so even if you'd called 911 immediately or done CPR, it might not have made a difference.  It doesn't do any good to beat ourselves up, nothing is going to change it.

It's very inappropriate for someone to tell you you'll find someone else.  VERY inappropriate, very insensitive, stupid, stupid! Tell them if you WANT someone else, they'll be the first to know.   I mean really, how would they feel if YOU told THEM that!

It is a shock that is very hard to get used to...in time we do, but it takes a very long time for this to sink in and for us to get used to our lives as they are now.  What you are feeling is normal under the circumstances.  I can share with you what has helped me but there is no fixing this...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Lost6263]

On 8/1/2018 at 1:26 PM, Darkangel99 said:

So it's coming up to a year since my fiancee died and I'm still struggling so bad..I miss everything about him, there's just a massive void in my life, I miss the life we lived together. Everyone tells me oh pain isn't going to bring him back and you should move on but it isn't some break up, we had 3 wonderful years together and had our own place everything was perfect and then I fucked up by not saving him (I witnessed him dying from cardiac arrest and I just was screaming for him to wake up thinking it was a joke instead of calling the ambulance, I called them when it was too late) there's just so much regret. I'm only 19 and the thought of living the rest of my life without my soulmate is so unbearable as I know I'll never have the connection I had with him with anyone else as he was just unreal and perfect in so many ways. What do I do:(

I lost my husband 5 1/2 months ago to cardiac arrest. He had had the flu and was getting better, he was only 47. I keep playing in my head over and over everything....the pain I feel from not being able to save him will be with me the rest of my life. Life isn't fair. I wake up every morning and for a split second I think maybe it was just a nightmare. But it wasn't and I miss him so much it hurts. We had been together for 10 1/2 years and I always pictured us growing old together and sitting on a porch, playing scrabble and nagging each other lol. All I want is to hug him again. I am so sorry got your loss and I know how you feel and you are not alone.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

always pictured us growing old together and sitting on a porch, playing scrabble and nagging each other lol.

Yeah, us too.  We'd even bought the porch swing and set it up on the back patio, to "grow old together" in.  The cat got it and now that she's gone, it sits empty.

[Darkangel99]

On 8/2/2018 at 5:46 PM, Elle N said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the same, with the guilt thing. My fiancé took his own life while I was away for the weekend. I knew he wasn’t well before I went and I didnt want to go but he had insisted i went as it was his best friends fiancés hen party and he didn’t want to let her down. I told him I would come straight back if he needed me and he told me he’d be fine, just needed to get some sleep. But now I know he only went down hill after I left and he always felt safe with me and I wasn’t there to look after him when I should have been. His mum didn’t really understand what  he was going throu and gave him a hard time I’ve since found out, even telling him not to get in touch with me as ‘she can’t do anything while she’s away’ I feel this guilt all the time. I know that doesnt help you either but just wanted you to know your not alone with that. 

I don’t know if you get this said to you much as your young too (I’m 30) but I have people saying all the time ‘oh your young you’ll meet someone else’ I just want to scream at them that my fiancé was my soul mate and world! I don’t want to meet anyone else. Same as you I will never connect with someone the way I did with him. Nobody has the right to tell you that you shouldn’t be hurting either, until they’ve been throu it themselves they can’t imagine that pain your having to live throu everyday! 

Sorry for the long reply!

Take care xx

Don't be sorry I'm glad you replied! It's not your fault at all, as someone who has tried to take their own life it was probably planned for a while and he took the opportunity when you was away.

Yes I hate It!!! People tell me oh you will meet someone else, and you will move on but Intill they have gone through it they have no idea and being a widow so young means we have alot more time on this Earth without them which makes it even more heartbreaking. 

It's even caused issues in my friendships as I don't wanna get close to anyone as I don't want to experience losing them as well.

Hope your well sweetie x 

[Darkangel99]

On 8/3/2018 at 2:08 PM, KayC said:

Yeah, us too.  We'd even bought the porch swing and set it up on the back patio, to "grow old together" in.  The cat got it and now that she's gone, it sits empty.

Life's is just so unfair.

[Darkangel99]

On 8/3/2018 at 1:39 AM, Lost6263 said:

I lost my husband 5 1/2 months ago to cardiac arrest. He had had the flu and was getting better, he was only 47. I keep playing in my head over and over everything....the pain I feel from not being able to save him will be with me the rest of my life. Life isn't fair. I wake up every morning and for a split second I think maybe it was just a nightmare. But it wasn't and I miss him so much it hurts. We had been together for 10 1/2 years and I always pictured us growing old together and sitting on a porch, playing scrabble and nagging each other lol. All I want is to hug him again. I am so sorry got your loss and I know how you feel and you are not alone.

Thank you so much, feel free to message me if you want to chat, just a nightmare that never ends, I miss everything about him, from his smelly feet to the way he slept and used to much about with me.

Hope your well hun x 

 

[Lost6263]

5 hours ago, Darkangel99 said:

Thank you so much, feel free to message me if you want to chat, just a nightmare that never ends, I miss everything about him, from his smelly feet to the way he slept and used to much about with me.

Hope your well hun x 

 

Thank you, same goes to you if you ever want to chat. ❤️

[Jamiei]

On 8/2/2018 at 5:39 PM, Lost6263 said:

I lost my husband 5 1/2 months ago to cardiac arrest. He had had the flu and was getting better, he was only 47. I keep playing in my head over and over everything....the pain I feel from not being able to save him will be with me the rest of my life. Life isn't fair. I wake up every morning and for a split second I think maybe it was just a nightmare. But it wasn't and I miss him so much it hurts. We had been together for 10 1/2 years and I always pictured us growing old together and sitting on a porch, playing scrabble and nagging each other lol. All I want is to hug him again. I am so sorry got your loss and I know how you feel and you are not alone.

I lost my boyfriend 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack while hiking! He also had the flu 2 weeks before he past away but they said it was unrelated. I still wonder if that had anything to do with it! I’m so very sorry for your loss, I know exactly how your feeling!

[LeannC45]

4 hours ago, Jamiei said:

I lost my boyfriend 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack while hiking! He also had the flu 2 weeks before he past away but they said it was unrelated. I still wonder if that had anything to do with it! I’m so very sorry for your loss, I know exactly how your feeling!

I am now at 7 months that my husband is gone and I can't help but replay how he passed in my mind over and over again. He started to feel sick on a Saturday and passed away on Tuesday. He had the flu and had just picked up his meds from the doctor the day before he passed. I still can't believe that in only three days time an illness pops up out of no where and then snatches my husband away. I am truly dreading this upcoming flu season because now I know what can happen. I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that just won't go away. My heart goes out to all of us that have experienced this loss.

[Jamiei]

I hate this for all of us!! So very sorry

[KayC]

Jamiei, 

I would wonder too, how can they know the flu didn't have anything to do with it, it does weaken our system.  My husband and I were on a rigorous (for him) hike just two weeks before he passed, my son and I talked about how glad we were he didn't pass then, instead he made it to the hospital and was there three days before getting struck with another heart attack that took him.

So hard when they were the picture of health and it was the last thing we expected.

[Lost6263]

On 8/11/2018 at 9:22 AM, Jamiei said:

I lost my boyfriend 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack while hiking! He also had the flu 2 weeks before he past away but they said it was unrelated. I still wonder if that had anything to do with it! I’m so very sorry for your loss, I know exactly how your feeling!

 

On 8/11/2018 at 1:42 PM, Jamiei said:

I hate this for all of us!! So very sorry

I work in healthcare and have never heard of this. The dr told me because the flu weakens your body and all your organs you are at a greater risk. His sister started researching this and found that you are 7 to 10 times higher risk to have a heart attack within a week or two after you have the flu. I don't know what research they did for those articles but it really makes you think...and pisses me off. Everyone keeps telling me that all the reading I do on this topic isn't going to bring him back and it's just gonna make me go into a deeper dark hole of depression....but I need to know. I play over and over in my head the two weeks before he passed and the what ifs.......regardless life sucks and all I want is to have him back. Life sucks without him and I miss him so much it hurts. I am sorry for your loss as well. If you ever want to talk you can email me.

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

 

I work in healthcare and have never heard of this. The dr told me because the flu weakens your body and all your organs you are at a greater risk. His sister started researching this and found that you are 7 to 10 times higher risk to have a heart attack within a week or two after you have the flu. I don't know what research they did for those articles but it really makes you think...and pisses me off. Everyone keeps telling me that all the reading I do on this topic isn't going to bring him back and it's just gonna make me go into a deeper dark hole of depression....but I need to know. I play over and over in my head the two weeks before he passed and the what ifs.......regardless life sucks and all I want is to have him back. Life sucks without him and I miss him so much it hurts. I am sorry for your loss as well. If you ever want to talk you can email me.

That need to know is what we need regardless of what others think.  In time it does lighten,...doesn't disappear but lightens. I believe just using common sense is that many factors play into heart attacks.  It seems common sense that any stress/Illness AND grief weakens our system.  In the end we have no control as to what happens.  I feel and again seems like common sense that a person may have things going on internally that are silent yet places them at a higher risk of a heart attack.  I can only speak from the experience of my loss.  He had a heart attack after a routine procedure.  It never made sense...I did request an autopsy and he did have silent things going on medically.  There were no indicators.  with that being said I want to go back and change everything but we know we cant go back...we can only move forward.  If I don't inch forward in this pain I feel I will turn to stone.   Research and do whatever you need to do. In the end I have to accept there wasn't anything I could have done to change the course!  That is so painful and very hard to absorb and I'm close to the one year mark. Then the anger we feel with a sudden loss....we could have ...we should have...they could have...they should have....it can be endless.

[Lost6263]

2 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

That need to know is what we need regardless of what others think.  In time it does lighten,...doesn't disappear but lightens. I believe just using common sense is that many factors play into heart attacks.  It seems common sense that any stress/Illness AND grief weakens our system.  In the end we have no control as to what happens.  I feel and again seems like common sense that a person may have things going on internally that are silent yet places them at a higher risk of a heart attack.  I can only speak from the experience of my loss.  He had a heart attack after a routine procedure.  It never made sense...I did request an autopsy and he did have silent things going on medically.  There were no indicators.  with that being said I want to go back and change everything but we know we cant go back...we can only move forward.  If I don't inch forward in this pain I feel I will turn to stone.   Research and do whatever you need to do. In the end I have to accept there wasn't anything I could have done to change the course!  That is so painful and very hard to absorb and I'm close to the one year mark. Then the anger we feel with a sudden loss....we could have ...we should have...they could have...they should have....it can be endless.

You are right. In the end we have to accept it, but it is earth shattering and so hard. I don't know what the point of this life is without him with me. I just have to hold on to the fact I know in my heart I will see him again. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

I don't know what the point of this life is without him with me.

Sometimes we can't see any point until much time passes and we look back.  

20 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

I just have to hold on to the fact I know in my heart I will see him again. 

yes, that is what my hope is too, what keeps me going.