Suicide loss

[Jessi1986]

My life changed forever on Monday, November 7th 2016. The following day may have  been the presidential election but no part of me cared.  I had found the person I loved more than anything, my soulmate in this world, dead. I knew of his struggles and had been fighting with everything i had for the prior month to make him realize it was worth it to stay. My heart will never forget that fight, and I will always be so angry at myself that I was not successful. I know that people will will judge that I didn't get him him other help...I tried and so did his family. We all feel guilty and will mourn him always. How do you make an adult do what they don't want to do??? My heart and theirs is forever broken, and I will never have my own family. That is my punishment for not saving him,and I accept it

[Love88AJ]

This is not your fault.... Please.... As a sufferer of severe depression and anxiety, ruminative thinking and a few suicidal thoughts, I can tell you that if I ever acted on it, it would be absolutely nobody's fault..... I lost the love of my life too... So I understand what you mean by it feels like punishment... But not because it's your fault...... Trust me.... My love died of a cardiac arrest at 27years of age this 5th Feb 2018... Irony is he wanted to live and I was the opposite. And if anything ever happened to me, I would never, ever want anybody to feel the reason, cause behind it..... Mental health is a very difficult process.. to both the one suffering with it and the people who love them.. . You can only try Jessi..... But the decision is never in your hand.... I am absolutely sorry for your loss and I am so so sorry for him that he gave up eventually... I can understand his mental struggle... But he would never want you to blame yourself for it...  Trust me ..  I know everything is easier said than done... But we are all figuring it out as days pass by..... And are here to help each other..... YOU know you tried everything and that his family did too..... Nothing is ever enough for the society and it doesn't even matter because it's all superficial with them.... Right?..... I am sorry if anything I said is hurtful..... Please hold on and try to work on the not blaming yourself part.... Trust me, I keep thinking all the time that I could have saved him too.. but no..... It happened..... 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Jessi1986 said:

How do you make an adult do what they don't want to do???

You don't.  And this is in no way your fault.  Not at all.  I just posted this to another thread and want to repeat it here because I want to make sure you see it.

Suicide is grief multiplied, complicated grief, you're dealing with a whole other layer of stuff.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost a friend to suicide last week and his wife is having such a hard time, she is pregnant and has a one year old and nine year old to raise alone.  They had lost four children and then his dad commit suicide, he found him and never got over that, that was about a year ago.  Now he's left his wife with the same legacy.  

I met this family through my other grief forum, years ago, they had suffered other losses of close in-laws.  I've never seen a family with so much grief and devastation, they have the Kennedy family beat.  Another lady on our forum, a dear friend of mine, wrote this article and posted it today regarding the suicide we are all grappling with.  (BTW, I don't mean to equate the loss of a friend with the loss of a SO, I've lost my spouse, I know how drastically it affects your life).

SUICIDE

 When someone you know dies by suicide your world narrows and all your thought goes to that one act.  It makes no sense to ask the question why because we know there isn’t an answer.  What we can do is try to understand what it is that makes someone believe that there is no other choice.  When you lose someone whom you loved dearly your world as you knew it is no longer.  Even though you are here as a living human being something inside you died as well.  You can no longer interact with the person as you used to.  That choice has been taken from you.  There is no more opportunity to engage in discussion.  There is no more sitting together and talking about just what it is that makes us wonder ~ wonder about the future ~ wonder about the consequences of our actions that day ~ wonder about the guidance of our leaders and what it means for those who come after us.  Everything you think you had is now no longer because the one person you’d talk to has chosen to end the pain of his/her life.  Suicide is about ending pain.  Suicide isn’t about the thought of others.  Others don’t figure into the picture at the time one decides to end their life.  I think it is like having tunnel vision ~ one sees only what is directly in front of him/her.  The object is to get to the end of that tunnel to find an escape from the pain.  A pain so excruciating that the only way out is to say I’ve had enough and this is all I can take.  I think that when one takes his/her own life it is a deliberate act.  It isn’t an accident.  It isn’t about wanting to hurt someone.  It is only about ending the pain.  The suicidal person can be surrounded by love and caring.  It is an internal struggle and not about what someone did or didn’t do.  

 I believe we need to listen to one another.  To ask the question ~ how are you doing?  To send an encouraging text/note to someone to let them know you care. We need to tell someone we love him/her and they are important to us.  By doing this does not mean that the person will not choose suicide but it might help those who survive to feel less guilty.  I think it is normal to feel guilty when a loved one dies by suicide. We are left to ask questions ~ did I do enough ~ was I tuned into what was going on ~ etc… The thing is it’s not about us. It is about the person in pain. I think it is also normal for us to be angry. I am angry for those left behind who are left to wonder now what do I do ~ how do I go on ~ it just isn’t fair.  I always struggle to find comforting words to those left behind.  I want to shout out that the person was selfish, thoughtless, a coward, but if I do that then I forget what I really believe and that is suicide is not about any of us rather it is only about the one who suffers the pain.

We need to open the topic of suicide up more to dialogue and to not be afraid to discuss the topic.

Credits to Anne Gorman ~ July 2018  

 http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

 

[Elle N]

On 8/1/2018 at 5:45 AM, Jessi1986 said:

My life changed forever on Monday, November 7th 2016. The following day may have  been the presidential election but no part of me cared.  I had found the person I loved more than anything, my soulmate in this world, dead. I knew of his struggles and had been fighting with everything i had for the prior month to make him realize it was worth it to stay. My heart will never forget that fight, and I will always be so angry at myself that I was not successful. I know that people will will judge that I didn't get him him other help...I tried and so did his family. We all feel guilty and will mourn him always. How do you make an adult do what they don't want to do??? My heart and theirs is forever broken, and I will never have my own family. That is my punishment for not saving him,and I accept it

I am so sorry for your loss Jessi 

i lost my fiancé nearly two months ago now the same way. He too had a long battle, his was anxiety and in the end resulted in a mental breakdown. I too battled it with him for this last year. I had convinced him to have counselling which he said was helping him a bit but after a relapse (after a weekend of heavy drinking) we ended up in A&E with him convinced he was dying. He was very dismissed by the hospital and they thought it was just a panic attack but I now realise that was the start of his break down.

I beat myself up every day about not telling more people we needed help as he didn’t want anyone to know. I’d finally convinced him to see a doctor about getting some meds and he said he would go but ended his life before he went. 

You cant make somebody do something they dont want to do and this isn’t our fault althou I know the guilt is too much sometimes. You clearly supported your partner the best that you could and that isn’t an easy thing to do as I well know too. 

We were due to get married next month and were planning to start a family next year. There’s no way I’ll have a family now either and it piss’s me off when people say ‘you’ve still got time to’ (I’m 31) I don’t want a family with anyone else! I’m sorry non of this probably helps but just wanted you to know I know the position your in and I hope we can both find peace one day xx