it's been five months...

[Miye]

it's been five months since i lost my husband. I never thought i would get married, not because i didn't want to... it was that i dreamed of a kind of love i was sure i was never going to find. then i met him and from the very first moment he loved me for who i was. He was my first and only love. More than i could ever asked for, everything i needed. for the first time my life felt complete. we were only 19. We got married 8 years ago and had the most wonderful wedding, everyone knew we had something special. It hurts so much i know i don't have him anymore, at least not the way i would want him: to hold, to  kiss, to cuddle, to talk to, to get lost in his eyes...I feel nobody understand, and that is why  i keep coming here . today I let go of his truck, it had been parked outside my house since he died. It gave me some sense of security i dont know. when i looked outthe window i used to get excited to see the truck  outside , it meant there were seconds to hold him again. breaks my heart not to see the truck out there, though i know he is never coming back to me again, now that the truck is gone,the empty space  is a reminder now that i am on my own/

I really just needed to get this out of my chest, i appreciate you reading and i really hope we all  can find peace and healing. And be reunited with our loved ones aftter this life

[LJCM]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. My beautiful husband, life partner and soulmate died just 2 months ago and I am lost (as we all are). 

His truck/ute is also here but as it's very new, I know he would not want it sitting there going to waste, so my father in law has just sold it (it gets collected next week). It's going to a young fellow so it will be used and loved.... I am very sad that it's going but I think it's the right thing.... 

I still expect to wake up from this nightmare and see him walk through the door so I can just throw my arms around his neck and say I love him..... It's just so hard. I have been with him since I was 15. I am now 33. 

 

[KayC]

Miye,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in.  I remember letting go of his car and his trailer, especially the trailer, it was so hard!  He stayed in it during the work week since his commute was so far and he'd been having accidents, falling asleep at the wheel, so we got this trailer and fixed it up so he wouldn't have to drive every day, he came home for three day weekends.  Everything in it was him.  Cleaning that out was the hardest thing in the world!  I did it way too soon. I hope you had someone with you when you went through it.

LJCM,

And now you'll also be going through this.  Just keep focusing on it being the right thing to do, I hope you do okay with it.  You've been with him most of your life.

[Miye]

@KayC I cannot imagine how hard it was for you having to clean his trailer. those are the kind of things we never thought we would go through

I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your strenght and hope  <3

 

@LJCM I am very sorry for your loss. As KayC said you had been with him most of your life... I have no words 

I just turned 34, Life seems so fragile now, I lost him a couple days before his birthday, he would have turned 33...Age is just a number but I can't believe I get to live the rest of my days without him. I try to appreciate life and to enjoy my children. 

As I saw the truck leaving i kept thinking  that he lives in me, not in the stuff he left behind... though i couldn't help but crying, and i had to come here tell someone... thank you for replying,It makes it easier to overcome when you have someone to talk to that really understands.

My thoughts are with you

 

[Lost6263]

14 hours ago, Miye said:

it's been five months since i lost my husband. I never thought i would get married, not because i didn't want to... it was that i dreamed of a kind of love i was sure i was never going to find. then i met him and from the very first moment he loved me for who i was. He was my first and only love. More than i could ever asked for, everything i needed. for the first time my life felt complete. we were only 19. We got married 8 years ago and had the most wonderful wedding, everyone knew we had something special. It hurts so much i know i don't have him anymore, at least not the way i would want him: to hold, to  kiss, to cuddle, to talk to, to get lost in his eyes...I feel nobody understand, and that is why  i keep coming here . today I let go of his truck, it had been parked outside my house since he died. It gave me some sense of security i dont know. when i looked outthe window i used to get excited to see the truck  outside , it meant there were seconds to hold him again. breaks my heart not to see the truck out there, though i know he is never coming back to me again, now that the truck is gone,the empty space  is a reminder now that i am on my own/

I really just needed to get this out of my chest, i appreciate you reading and i really hope we all  can find peace and healing. And be reunited with our loved ones aftter this life

I sat in my husbands truck every day after he passed listening to the last song he played...bawling my eyes out...screaming.....smelling him in it. It had to go back to the bank I couldn't afford the high payment. He had just gotten it 4 months before. It was his dream truck, he worked so hard to get it. It breaks my heart even more knowing I couldn't hold on to it for him. It's been over 5 months since he passed as well and I still play that song over and over in my car. I keep expecting him to walk I need the garage and say something goofy. No one truly understands unless they have lost their partner as well, and even then it's always still different. Everybody in my life wants to be there for me and help me.....what they don't get is the one thing I want none of them can give me....I want him back ....here with me and our dogs. I pray for you and everyone going through this... strength to get through each day going forward. 

[BetsyD]

I lost my beloved life partner, my soulmate of 40 years just four months ago. Very suddenly. He knew only two weeks before he died that he would be leaving all of us. He made me promise a couple of things, and the only way I am getting through doing what I am doing is by telling myself I am keeping my promises to him. First, he was worried about my old car and he had wanted me to have a new car, especially since I will be leaving where I am now and moving, probably 1600 miles away. So as hard as it was, I traded his truck and my old thing for a new car. I went to Kentucky (45 miles) to get the new car though because someone here had been interested in the truck and I didn't want to see it driving around my little town every day. Then this weekend his best friend helped my inventory and price his tools - he was a contractor and there are hundreds of tools and I was overwhelmed. Then, his best friend took my Tom's work trailer back to NY with him. So that's kind of staying "in the family". 

In the midst of all of the work, I hit my shin on the hitch of my friend's truck and cried...I also cursed out my beloved husband, screamed, vented, yelled...you name it. "how could you leave me?" "Damn you, Tom"...all kinds of stuff came out of my mouth. Of course he would have never left me had he had a choice. I know that. It was my feeling sad, sorry, angry...everything finally exploded. Of course, last week was also his birthday and the next day was the three-month anniversary of losing him. So emotions ran high. 

The point of some of this was to tell you about my promises. Before he died, my Tom told me "just because I looked at it, touched it, used it or bought it does not mean you have to keep it". He knew I would want to hoard and he made me promise. So I am dealing with everything as best as I can, and have the goal of selling this place and moving as my incentive. He will be with me always. Not in a truck or trailer or tool, but in my heart, my essence, my soul, my judgments, my children and new grandson, my memory and my every breath. That is what is important. The rest is just "stuff". Don't get me wrong, I have doused the last stuffed animal he gave me with his cologne so I can still smell him. I have kept his last voicemail message to me so I can hear him. I wear a heart with a teeny bit of his ashes inside so I have him with me always. And I am not just liquidating. I am keeping my promise and holding on to the things, both material and emotional, that truly matter. Not just everything he touched, bought, used or saw.

I, like everyone on this board, am lost without my beloved husband. I met him when I was 28 and he died just before I turned 68. We had plans, we had just had our first grandchild, we had hopes and dreams and plans that were dashed and destroyed by his sudden diagnosis. My job has to be to keep some of those dreams alive in his honor and memory. Or else his death will have had no meaning other than the sheer tragedy of it. And tragic it was. And I will never ever be ok - none of us on this board will ever be "ok". And don't listen to anyone who tells you you will. And each of us has to deal with our loss in our own way - there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. My way, I guess, is to convince myself that I am doing what I promised.

Then I cry myself to sleep.

[KayC]

We had just sold George's car to his brother and purchased a new car...I had to sell it as I couldn't afford to keep it with our income cut in half, but his brother never did pay us for the 

1 hour ago, BetsyD said:

I hit my chin on the hitch of my friend's truck and cried...I also cursed out my beloved husband, screamed, vented, yelled...you name it. "how could you leave me?" "Damn you, Tom"...all kinds of stuff came out of my mouth. Of course he would have never left me had he had a choice. I know that. It was my feeling sad, sorry, angry...everything finally exploded. Of course, last week was also his birthday and the next day was the three-month anniversary of losing him. So emotions ran high. 

I think we've all had those outbursts and been mad at them for leaving us.  We know they wouldn't purposely do it, but feelings don't have to be rational or make sense.  They just are.  And ALL of our feelings are valid, anger, love, missing them, you name it...even having ambivalent feelings all at once.  Like I said, it doesn't have to make sense, it just is.

1 hour ago, BetsyD said:

And I will never ever be ok - none of us on this board will ever be "ok". And don't listen to anyone who tells you you will.

I wouldn't necessarily say that...it depends on your definition of "okay".  I am, these 13+ years later, at peace, I have adjusted as much as one can, I've gotten used to the changes it means for my life.  Nothing about my life is "the same".  I wouldn't go so far as to say "well", but again I guess that is a relative term, depends on what you mean by it.  I can honestly say I've missed him each and every day since, I think of him constantly, he's always on my mind, I love him even more if that's possible!  My life is nothing like it was with him, I'm alone, growing old alone and we all know that kind of sucks.  Going through surgery alone, I looked for work during the recession (lost my job three times during it), lots of pressure with no one to fall back on.  Lost my mom and many pets and friends in the years since.  Going through everything alone, birth of grandchildren, the death of my daughter's marriage (whom she still has to escape), how I wish I had George here, he would know what to do, he would do SOMETHING!    I've dealt with contractors, am on the fifth roof since he died (it took three times for them to get the patio roof right), have learned a lot through that as well.  I've spent Christmases totally alone, that sucks.  I talk to George, if they knew how much, they'd probably haul me away.  The only reason I'd mind is I don't want to lose my dog.  I don't have the intensity of pain I did in that first year or two or three, I no longer expect him to walk in the door or call, in a way it seems kind of sad that one can get used to this, it sounds pathetic actually, but I guess it's better than waking up to the shock of him being gone...afresh every day.

[Miye]

@Lost6263  You're right, still is different for everyone...though for me too, When people says what do I need or want all I think is Him. thank you for having us in your prayers. 

P.S. Please excuse I don't know how to reply separately

 

 

@BetsyD I can see how much he loves you thru the promises he made you make,  I didn't get to say goodbye, but i guess he would have made me promise i would love life and live for our babies...It is beautiful you want to  keep his dreams alive. I would like to honor my husband, too.  Thank you so much for sharing and opening your heart. Your husband sounds like someone so loving and wise. You do, too. 

 

 

 

@KayC I cannot imagine how hard it was for you having to clean his trailer. those are the kind of things we never thought we would go through

I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your strenght and hope  <3

 

@LJCM I am very sorry for your loss. As KayC said you had been with him most of your life... I have no words 

I just turned 34, Life seems so fragile now, I lost him a couple days before his birthday, he would have turned 33...Age is just a number but I can't believe I get to live the rest of my days without him. I try to appreciate life and to enjoy my children. 

As I saw the truck leaving i kept thinking  that he lives in me, not in the stuff he left behind... though i couldn't help but crying, and i had to come here tell someone... thank you for replying,It makes it easier to overcome when you have someone to talk to that really understands.

My thoughts are with you

 

[BetsyD]

1 hour ago, Miye said:

As I saw the truck leaving i kept thinking  that he lives in me, not in the stuff he left behind

I cried when I saw Tom's truck being driven out...and when his friend took his work trailer. Despite knowing that they live on in us, these were tangible connections that appear to be lost, so I get it. Now I have to sell his countless tools. But if I think as he did, I will know that someone will enjoy the things he enjoyed so his love for his work will live on. And he was such a giving man - he would be furious if his things, such as clothes (not his Tshirts or shirts - Tshirts were made into a quilt for me and my daughters will wear his other shirts), his shoes, his tools and the like sat idle and didn't benefit someone else. He would be proud to know that we raised over $3000 for the children at St. Jude in his honor and memory. He would be proud that my friends and I finished the projects he didn't get to finish at the house, even though we grieved that he was not here to do it all with us. I would pick up a favorite tool and start to cry. Or something I gave him that brought him joy.  And then again, I would laugh when I remember how he dropped a hammer on his foot, or glued something together by mistake. Those good memories are the ones I have to work toward. And I know it will take way more than three months.

If I am to honor him, I have to try to think as he did and not selfishly. And then I have those days when I can't function.  It appears to be such a complicated journey those of us left behind are on, and it takes so many twists and turns that I only hope and pray that for me, my Tom is guiding me in the right direction. I think he is. After forty years with him, I really do. 

[KayC]

Betsy,

I'm sure he is very proud of you!  Raising $3,000 for such a worthy cause is a wonderful way to honor him,  It helps to lend meaning to all that you're going through.  

You both (Miye and Betsy) have such wonderful attitudes, it will serve you well.