Widow at 46

[tmd71]

I suddenly lost my husband of 22 years to a heart attack a month ago. I'm still in the numb phase. It doesnt seen real. I keep thinking he's gna come walking in the door any minute.  Everything is a fog.  I cant imagine life ever being normal again. How do you cope?

[Lost6263]

3 minutes ago, tmd71 said:

I suddenly lost my husband of 22 years to a heart attack a month ago. I'm still in the numb phase. It doesnt seen real. I keep thinking he's gna come walking in the door any minute.  Everything is a fog.  I cant imagine life ever being normal again. How do you cope?

I'm 5 1/2 months from when my husband passed from the same thing and I don't have any answers. I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your loss. Some days I have to take it minute by minute and remind myself to breathe. 

[LJCM]

I am 2 months in and also still numb so I don't have answers for you either. Just know that our thoughts are with you at this time..... 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, tmd71 said:

I suddenly lost my husband of 22 years to a heart attack a month ago. I'm still in the numb phase. It doesnt seen real. I keep thinking he's gna come walking in the door any minute.  Everything is a fog.  I cant imagine life ever being normal again. How do you cope?

It's been 13 years for me but I remember feelings just as you are.  I haven't forgotten anything about that time...grief fog, shock, numbness, surreal, anxiety, fear, all of it.  The two biggest things that helped was learning to take a day at a time, stay in this present moment, try not to think about the future, right now is enough to get through.  The other is when I found this refrigerator magnet I felt God put in my path for me to find, I bought it and put it up, it says "Find Joy in every day".  I learned to acknowledge and embrace what good there was and it became a way of life, directing my focus on what I have that is good and not merely focus on my loss.  It changed my life as I began to practice this.  People say they can't do it but I was eleven days out when I began so I know anyone can if I can.  

I wrote this article based on what has helped me, if anything is of help to you, that is good.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jtc]

This is very helpful thankyou

[Whispering Willow]

I am so sorry your loss. I am also 46 and lost my husband to a sudden heart attack 6 weeks ago. Next month we would have been married 23 yrs. I am still trying to cope. I wish you much peace and healing. 

[Jamiei]

I don’t understand how this happens to all of us, it’s so sad! I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain.