Now what....

[Lost6263]

It's been over 5 months since my husband passed. I've tried to stay busy with fixing stuff around the house and going through things and organizing, and yard work, and this or that as long as I don't have to deal with too many people or go anywhere. I go to work, keep to myself and rush to get home to our dogs. I've tried to be there for my in-laws, doing things for my mother in law since she is by herself, stuff for her house and car and basically anything she needs. Now I have ran out of things to do, all I want to do is sleep, stay in bed, listen to his voice on videos of him playing with the dogs and being goofy. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I talk to the my parents and a couple friends but everyone else I have pushed away. I also talk to my therapist once a week. I got rid of fb two months ago, I still have his which I look at from time to time but all it does is piss me off. Seeing everyone's life go on and his isn't. People say things that hurt, not intentionally (well a couple were), and I find it easier to just not deal with people. I lay in bed reading posts on here, listening and watching videos of him, looking through pictures of our life together for almost 11 years, and not wanting to do anything else. Everyone tells me it's not healthy, you have to push forward....I don't HAVE to do anything. I just want him back!. I'm trying so hard to be there for her but she makes everything so difficult. And she bad mouths him....her own son. Everyone tells me she is trying to manipulate me, and make me feel bad for her. She was crappy to him all the time, his whole life, everything was always his fault. I constantly worry about her and her health. She knows she has serious health issues that need to be dealt with but she won't. Everyone keeps telling me she is an adult, she makes her own decisions, but it's frustrating. I just don't know what to do now...

[KayC]

I am glad you have a couple of friends and are still working because it isn't healthy to over-isolate for long.  Yes you are right you don't "have" to do anything, people grieve differently and you are listening to your own needs and processing your grief, it takes much time.  You are doing your "grief work", when you look at his pictures, videos, listen to his voice, even that is part of that processing, just as going to your therapist.  I did art therapy, depicting what I was feeling, and where I wanted to be at (years?) from then.  It all helped, as does reading books and articles.  There's also a grief course you can take at griefhealing.com just contact the moderator and she'll let you know how.

It sounds like his mother is a negative you don't need and people are right about her being an adult and responsible for her own self.  You are good to her, just make sure not to give her more of yourself than you can afford and I don't mean financially, I mean she can drain you if you let her so mete out how much you give of yourself to her especially now while you are still fresh in this grieving process.  It sounds like you've been busy, sometimes we can do that so we don't think, it';s good to have some balance.  I'm sure you talk about all this with your therapist and I hope it's someone trained in grief because not all are.

My husband's dad didn't even attend his funeral, even though offered a ride, I didn't hear from him until a year later, he called and badmouthed George.  I wasn't going to stand for that so I reminded him of how good George was to him and then told him to call me when he had something positive to say about him.  He never did.  Years later I heard he too died.  I know it would hurt George but honestly, I couldn't see what good could come from he listening to his dad put him down, I wouldn't stand for that of anyone.

[Lost6263]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I am glad you have a couple of friends and are still working because it isn't healthy to over-isolate for long.  Yes you are right you don't "have" to do anything, people grieve differently and you are listening to your own needs and processing your grief, it takes much time.  You are doing your "grief work", when you look at his pictures, videos, listen to his voice, even that is part of that processing, just as going to your therapist.  I did art therapy, depicting what I was feeling, and where I wanted to be at (years?) from then.  It all helped, as does reading books and articles.  There's also a grief course you can take at griefhealing.com just contact the moderator and she'll let you know how.

It sounds like his mother is a negative you don't need and people are right about her being an adult and responsible for her own self.  You are good to her, just make sure not to give her more of yourself than you can afford and I don't mean financially, I mean she can drain you if you let her so mete out how much you give of yourself to her especially now while you are still fresh in this grieving process.  It sounds like you've been busy, sometimes we can do that so we don't think, it';s good to have some balance.  I'm sure you talk about all this with your therapist and I hope it's someone trained in grief because not all are.

My husband's dad didn't even attend his funeral, even though offered a ride, I didn't hear from him until a year later, he called and badmouthed George.  I wasn't going to stand for that so I reminded him of how good George was to him and then told him to call me when he had something positive to say about him.  He never did.  Years later I heard he too died.  I know it would hurt George but honestly, I couldn't see what good could come from he listening to his dad put him down, I wouldn't stand for that of anyone.

Thank you KayC for your advice. I purchased a couple books and started reading them. I try so hard to be there for his family but it's breaking me. His mother isn't kind, never asks how I'm doing, isn't appreciative, and will just ask how the dogs are. I need to be there for her....for him..but I'm at my wits end. I want to say so badly to her that it's not ok for her to bad mouth him, it's not ok to talk down to me and act like I'm not grieving too, or that it stresses me out worrying about her health when she doesn't give a damn. I have to get stronger to say these things. I'm glad you were able to say that to his father. But never hearing from her again is what scares me....she is apart of him. My therapist keeps telling me to set boundaries but I'm too worried of upsetting her. I know I need to look out for myself but I've never been that person. I always look out for everyone else. I have to work on that. 

[KayC]

I didn't see George's dad in him.  If he inherited any genes from him it wasn't the bad ones, never saw two such different people!  George was loving and caring.  And sometimes people get old and bitter, maybe the way they've lived, I'm sure that was the case with his dad, he was an alcoholic that didn't support his eleven kids, they had to move all the time, would run out on the landlord/bill in the middle of the night.  The only thing good about him was he worked hard, not that it benefited his family any.

I hope you do grow strong enough to say what you need to to her and to protect yourself from her venom.  We don't need toxic people around us (I call them drains) when we're grieving!  At least mete out the time to what you can handle, be it five minutes a week or what.  I had to learn to do that with my mom who was mental and abusive and would drain you dry if you let her.  Of my sisters and I, we always supported each other's decision in how we handled her, we did the best we could under the circumstances.

The difference between the abuser and the abusee is the abusee is the only one worrying about how the other one feels.

[Lost6263]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't see George's dad in him.  If he inherited any genes from him it wasn't the bad ones, never saw two such different people!  George was loving and caring.  And sometimes people get old and bitter, maybe the way they've lived, I'm sure that was the case with his dad, he was an alcoholic that didn't support his eleven kids, they had to move all the time, would run out on the landlord/bill in the middle of the night.  The only thing good about him was he worked hard, not that it benefited his family any.

I hope you do grow strong enough to say what you need to to her and to protect yourself from her venom.  We don't need toxic people around us (I call them drains) when we're grieving!  At least mete out the time to what you can handle, be it five minutes a week or what.  I had to learn to do that with my mom who was mental and abusive and would drain you dry if you let her.  Of my sisters and I, we always supported each other's decision in how we handled her, we did the best we could under the circumstances.

The difference between the abuser and the abusee is the abusee is the only one worrying about how the other one feels.

That is very true. She isn't sitting there worried about me. Sometimes I wonder how such a good man with such a big heart came from that person.

[KayC]

I know, right?!