Lost my bf to an aneurysm

[bambina]

Hi. I’m new to this site. My boyfriend died on June 6 of an aortic aneurysm. Hard to believe this 6 foot 4 athletic, seemingly healthy man died so suddenly and unexpectedly (his dad is still alive at 89) Brian was 10 years older than me, and at 58, still far too young to go. He was the most loving, kind-hearted generous man I’ve ever known and he loved me so much and did everything in his power to make me happy. I feel guilty because the last few days of his life I was tired and a bit cranky and not as affectionate as I should have been. I never got a chance to say goodbye, to tell him how much I loved him and what a profoundly wonderful effect he had on my life. I am devastated and like many others on this site, feel tremendous grief every day since he died. This morning I wanted to die, though I’m not suicidal. I just want this anguish to end. I truly loved him and it hurts so much that he’s gone. The pain is at times unbearable and sometimes I am frightened that it will never end. I go from feeling so much anger to just this horrible wrenching pain. I feel like someone snatched the most beautiful book from me before I was even halfway through it. It feels so unfair. First really healthy relationship I’ve ever had in my life and then this precious man dies. I just need someone to tell me that eventually the pain will be bearable. 

[LJCM]

I am so sorry for your loss. At 2 months in, I am by no means ready to give advice as I still don't know which ways up and which ways down.

I do have 2 close friends who have both lost their husbands who both have said.... "It doesn't get any easier but you do learn to live with the pain".... 

I don't know yet that I'll ever learn to live with it But I guess the only option is to see what time does bring.  I have 2 young kids to look after so each day is "functioning" for them.... I don't want to think of where I'd be without the children.... 

 

[KayC]

Bambina,

I want you to know it will not stay in this intensity of pain, it will lessen over time into a kind of sadness that you learn to carry with you...I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It does not stay the same.  It takes much time to process our grief, longer yet to find purpose and even more time to build a life we can live, the single biggest thing that helped me was learning to take a day at a time and try not to worry about the whole future without him.  The other thing is learning to focus on the good that exists in the present rather than focus merely on the grief.  Very hard to do, it takes practice.  I wrote this based on what I've learned over the years that has helped me...we all grieve differently and we have different personalities and coping skills but if even one thing helps you, that is good.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.