Will it ever get better?

[Fiza]

I find myself day dreaming all the time. I feel lost. The pain is still so raw. I can hear his voice. When I'm reading through our texts it's like I can hear his voice through the texts. Sometimes I can hear his name being called out or his voice talking. 

There's so many little things that remind me of him. I find myself wanting to be at home more. I have my own company so I've been working at home a lot more. I hate that I can't be with him. I miss everything, waking up to him in the morning. Not eating breakfast together. Having a laugh with each other. Seeing him smile. His smile was infectious. I've been to visit his grave plenty of times and I find myself sitting there talking or crying for hours because even though he's so close yet he is so far.

It's been 17 weeks but in some ways it feels like he was just here yesterday and in other ways it feels like he's been gone for so long. 

All the time, I find myself pretending that I'm fine to people but all I want to do is cry or talk for ours about him but then again they're some days where I don't want to talk about him. I don't like showing pictures because even when he was alive we kept our relationship private because that how we liked it. I have shared some but then deleted them because I feel like that they're ours and I shouldn't have to share them. Its too personal.

10 Days before he died I officially set my own company up and he would have been so proud to see how well its doing. There have been so many situations where he should have been here, We should be making memories! he was always my shoulder to cry on. My helping hand. 3 years in a relationship isn't short. He was my fiancé, my best friend and my soul mate and I loved him dearly and I couldn't wait to get married and settle down together, 

Everyday, our little boy asks me where's daddy? or when's daddy come back home? it breaks my heart especially when I don't tell good stories like daddy used to. Our little boy is 2, It's only a matter of time I can hide the truth from him. Well... I need to accept it first. George, our son, has been spending a lot of his times at his fathers grandparents and I understand that they miss him but I'm scared if they ask for custody. I know they won't but still....

I have never loved anyone more than Henry and I won't ever love anyone more... I truly miss him and I wish he was here but he isn't and it kills me everyday. x

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Fiza said:

It's been 17 weeks but in some ways it feels like he was just here yesterday and in other ways it feels like he's been gone for so long. 

It feels like a time warp...it can feel like both yesterday and an eternity at the same time.  It's been 13 years now for me and it feels like I dreamed him up...I see his picture or his handwriting, I look at his birth certificate and his death certificate, our marriage certificate, and I know with my brain he was here, he lived, but it feels like so long ago...

Here is a link that might help you when the time comes to tell your child: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html

I'm sorry, I know how hard it is, it is the hardest thing in the world.