My looks seem to give me out...

[Nely]

It's been a three months and 10 days since my beloved husband and soul mate passed. I have resumed work as I need to care for our son, though just for hours I can manage. 

The thing now is, I just feel okay putting on simple blank coloured clothes. Aside the fact that I feel wearing black or dark coloured clothes is the best way to honour my husband now, I also just comb my hair without wearing wigs or making it in any special way. I started off with a wig on the first day I resumed but I couldn't even keep on with it as I didn't find the time and strength for it. Also, I wear no make up ANYMORE, not even a touch. Sometimes I go out and it's when I'm out I remember the earrings.

The issue now is that many people seem to give me this look of "pity" and I don't want that. I know I'm in a terrible state of life right now but the last thing I want is appearing pitiable.

Has anyone dealt with this?

[LeannC45]

49 minutes ago, Nely said:

It's been a three months and 10 days since my beloved husband and soul mate passed. I have resumed work as I need to care for our son, though just for hours I can manage. 

The thing now is, I just feel okay putting on simple blank coloured clothes. Aside the fact that I feel wearing black or dark coloured clothes is the best way to honour my husband now, I also just comb my hair without wearing wigs or making it in any special way. I started off with a wig on the first day I resumed but I couldn't even keep on with it as I didn't find the time and strength for it. Also, I wear no make up ANYMORE, not even a touch. Sometimes I go out and it's when I'm out I remember the earrings.

The issue now is that many people seem to give me this look of "pity" and I don't want that. I know I'm in a terrible state of life right now but the last thing I want is appearing pitiable.

Has anyone dealt with this?

I can completely relate to wearing certain colors. I literally didn't feel comfortable wearing too much color or anything that looked too happy until about a month ago.  I have noticed that I feel comfortable in more color but nothing that looks too attractive. I feel better moving through my days right now unnoticed by men. I still feel married and all I want to do is heal and not be bothered by anybody. I also understand people at work looking at you with pity in their eyes. I think people want to show that they feel sorry and they don't know what else to do other then give you a certain "I am sorry look". There is a lady at my job that always asks me how I am doing and sometimes I share and other times I hurry past her because I am just not up to it. We are all in survival mode doing the best we can at making it through another day. If you don't feel right in certain colors or any color then by all means don't wear them. I say as long as it doesn't hurt you do WHATEVER it takes to find what brings you peace and slowly moves you forward. We will all become stronger versions of ourselves in due time and of course that is different for all of us. 

[Nely]

Thank you dear Leann. 

3 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I have noticed that I feel comfortable in more color but nothing that looks too attractive. I feel better moving through my days right now unnoticed by men. I still feel married and all I want to do is heal and not be bothered by anybody

I feel exactly the same way too.

 

3 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

If you don't feel right in certain colors or any color then by all means don't wear them. I say as long as it doesn't hurt you do WHATEVER it takes to find what brings you peace and slowly moves you forward. We will all become stronger versions of ourselves in due time and of course that is different for all of us. 

True, thank you so much. I wish us all well. I just wish I didn't and that we all didn't have to go through this.

[LoveGoli]

12 hours ago, Nely said:

The issue now is that many people seem to give me this look of "pity" and I don't want that

Yes its true, in my initial days i wore no make up and same thing happened to me , peoples used to give me that pity look.

Later on i managed to wear little makeup and fake smile in office, now their behavior is much better and that pity look I don't see anymore or may be i m unable to recognize that.

But yes we don't want that pity look so its better to fake little.

[Nely]

Thank you @LoveGoli for sharing. I'd have to probably do same. I realized that most people out there just want to watch our progresses and see if we'd make it through this. It would seem that the genuine concerns are not much ,really.

 

I guess I have to get a few simply simple clothing that can be used for work and not anything "attractive". Like Leann said

On 7/27/2018 at 10:22 PM, LeannC45 said:

. I feel better moving through my days right now unnoticed by men. I still feel married and all I want to do is heal and not be bothered by anybody

So I guess I have to get a few new clothes that will help with my new life. Another thing is, I feel uncomfortable going out to shop for clothes as I feel that should be the least on my plate right now.

Before this sad event, I used to be a very fun loving, classy lady that likes to look good to the satisfaction and excitement of my beloved husband. Since his passing, I have not been able to even make a hairdo nor find joy in wearing those six inches high heeled shoes I loved so much.

 

So much has changed and I know it will never be the same.

[KayC]

Our looks seem to be a reflection of how we're feeling so it stands to reason to me our grief even affects how we look.  I haven't had the same pleasure in dressing up since my husband died, no longer having his appreciative looks, I have to force myself to wear a dress when etiquette demands it, and no longer wear heels or hats.

[LeannC45]

On 7/29/2018 at 11:30 AM, Nely said:

Thank you @LoveGoli for sharing. I'd have to probably do same. I realized that most people out there just want to watch our progresses and see if we'd make it through this. It would seem that the genuine concerns are not much ,really.

 

I guess I have to get a few simply simple clothing that can be used for work and not anything "attractive". Like Leann said

So I guess I have to get a few new clothes that will help with my new life. Another thing is, I feel uncomfortable going out to shop for clothes as I feel that should be the least on my plate right now.

Before this sad event, I used to be a very fun loving, classy lady that likes to look good to the satisfaction and excitement of my beloved husband. Since his passing, I have not been able to even make a hairdo nor find joy in wearing those six inches high heeled shoes I loved so much.

 

So much has changed and I know it will never be the same.

You are right we will all never be the same again. Before I met my husband I knew how to move through life and now after having my husband in my life for almost 18 years. I feel like I don't know who to be or what to do. This is something I will have to figure out day by day. I really do feel like this grieving process is true suffering. I literally feel like a part of my body is gone. I have surrendered to the fact that I am not in control of anything other then how I choose to heal. I know my husband wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life never wearing another smile or feeling joy. We have to be our own best friend and look for the bright spots that  reveal themselves. They say God shows up in the help, I believe that with all my heart.

[Nely]

7 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

I feel like I don't know who to be or what to do. This is something I will have to figure out day by day. I really do feel like this grieving process is true suffering. I literally feel like a part of my body is gone. I have surrendered to the fact that I am not in control of anything other then how I choose to heal.

you hit the nail on the head here. I honestly keep trying to find purpose. So far, my son is the only reason I have to live life. I also don't feel as if I'm in control of anything anymore because life's ugly side has shown up more than anyone would be able to understand.

I wish my life didn't change so suddenly. Yesterday and today have been particularly hard for me. My heart feels heavy, literally and keeps beating hard. 

I wish us all all the strength that there is.

[KayC]

It can take many years to figure that out.  Take all the time you need, that seems to be the one thing we have plenty of.

[KavitaHubby]

Hi Nely,

One thing i have learned in last 2 years of grieving that I will never be same person as I use to be. Can i be better not sure will i be worse chances are more. Some days are tough and some days pass by more smoothly. If you can wear little makeup and feel now people don't give pity look thats ok go with it. Same goes for fake smile if  you can pretend go ahead do it. Remember nobody cries with you but everyone laughs with you. They have no idea what you are going thru unless they will experience it. Stay positive if possible.

[Nely]

@KayC, you are right there. Thank you.

@KavitaHubby, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind encouraging words.

1 hour ago, KavitaHubby said:

nobody cries with you but everyone laughs with you.

I know right?

 

1 hour ago, KavitaHubby said:

They have no idea what you are going thru unless they will experience it. Stay positive if possible.

You are right. It's indeed a journey that only he who is on it will truly understand. Thank you for your support. It's truly appreciated.

[Elle N]

On 7/27/2018 at 9:21 PM, Nely said:

It's been a three months and 10 days since my beloved husband and soul mate passed. I have resumed work as I need to care for our son, though just for hours I can manage. 

The thing now is, I just feel okay putting on simple blank coloured clothes. Aside the fact that I feel wearing black or dark coloured clothes is the best way to honour my husband now, I also just comb my hair without wearing wigs or making it in any special way. I started off with a wig on the first day I resumed but I couldn't even keep on with it as I didn't find the time and strength for it. Also, I wear no make up ANYMORE, not even a touch. Sometimes I go out and it's when I'm out I remember the earrings.

The issue now is that many people seem to give me this look of "pity" and I don't want that. I know I'm in a terrible state of life right now but the last thing I want is appearing pitiable.

Has anyone dealt with this?

I found this too in the first few weeks of my fiancé passing away. I’m a beauty therapist so naturally wear make up as part of my job. Well I couldn’t bear to apply anything and for the first time ever didn’t care how I looked, what’s the point? The person I wanted to make an effort for wasn’t here anymore.

slowly I’ve started wearing a bit more I have my winged eyeliner back on which I always wear, other than that I’m not heavy on the make up. I didn’t wash my hair for days and days either I just couldnt be bothered and when I finally did I felt guilty for it, guilty for making an effort I guess. When I first put make up back on all my friends commented and said how lovely it was to see me with my eyeliner again. That made me feel guilty too. But I’ve realised that on some of my worst days if I slap a little something on it can make me feel a tiny bit better just for me and just for a while. I guess I feel it’s a bit like war paint in a way! 

[KayC]

Elle,

It id good to do something for yourself, even if it's just putting eyeliner on.

[Nely]

On 8/2/2018 at 6:07 PM, Elle N said:

Well I couldn’t bear to apply anything and for the first time ever didn’t care how I looked, what’s the point? The person I wanted to make an effort for wasn’t here anymore.

I felt same way, still do. What's the point. I always wanted to look great for him. He always told me how gorgeous I look. I try , even make it a duty not to look attractive these days. Had to get a few clothes cos I lost so much weight that my clothes don't fit. More so, I didn't see any point wearing those super lovely clothes anymore. My life has changed completely and my wardrobe doesn't in anyway reflect this new life. When selecting the new clothes, I went for black or navy blue and didn't want anything thAt makes me attractive. 

I have carried my hair without making it, styling it or anything at all. These days I even forget to wear earrings when I'm off to work.

Truth is, I just don't feel like it anymore. It will be four months on Friday since my life changed. So sad, it's so hard. I wish I was just acting a script.