Dread that comes and goes

[Epope]

Since my partner passed a little over a month ago, I find myself not knowing what day it is and barely go through the motions. I haven't worn anything but pajamas, I never put on makeup anymore, I shower when I absolutely have to. I'm so tense every night that I drink a lot of wine and sleep terribly, but I don't seem to care about the headaches in the morning or the queasy stomach. I don't feel anything I can really recognize but sadness mixed with a little bit of anger, and even if someone gets me to laugh about something, I go back to that empty feeling of dread. It's been hard for me to leave my house. Going to the store, I feel dread. Going to see friends, I feel dread. Going to the concerts that he had already bought us tickets for (and I know he'd want me to go since his life was music), I feel dread. Maybe it's because I feel his absence more when I am not at home. Being with friends...it's like i'm being punched in the gut. I strain to hear his voice in the other room, or at the supermarket I find myself staring at faces hoping to see his. Some days I'm ok...just ok. Other days, I feel so damn helpless. I lose all the hope that I had the day before. I think of how much living i have to do and work I have to do and feel exhausted. 

Talking with his best friend should be helpful to me, but I find our conversations tending to be me selfishly thinking "you don't know how this feels". I've never been a selfish person, but right now I feel selfish in all of my grief and dread. Talking to his family, I feel the same way. It ends up being me trying to heal and console them because they can't stop the tears, but I think 'my entire life was him and now he's gone'. You guys get to go back to your homes, your lives, your significant others...and I go home to a house filled with pictures and not him. They weren't a close family, either, so part of me feels even more selfish when it comes to them. This is all so frustrating it makes me want to sleep for days on end. 

[Glolilly]

I'm sorry you are going through this but I think I know for sure that in my first month I barely changed clothes, barely ate, barely cleaned the house. I was in survival mode. I did only the bare necessities. I took care of paperwork, breaking down over the phone with legal matters. I was offered sleep and anxiety medication that I took maybe one week but no drinking. When you need to turn to excessive drinking or drugs you may need professional help right away. There are many hotline help numbers that will help you in this overwhelming time. 

Talking with others will get easier and you need to be able to vent at times.  I came on here in shock and disbelief with pinned up anger at fate. But at first I met fog, confusion and denial when people said I'm sorry for your loss, I thought, what are they talking about. It's been 7 months since my husbands death and I no long cry at the checkout or all night. I wake up through the night and force myself to get back to sleep. My mother told me my dad who passed 8 years ago, full of wisdom at age 93, told her don't come to the graves or keep things to remember as it isn't benefiting. So, I'm going to aim for that. Mom is now 80 and doing great getting out, watching movies, gardening, keeps her hair done, etc.

straining to hear him or see is the normal part of grief that will soon fade away with due time. Ourselves and others are not the fault but you do wish it was not us, but somebody else. They like us could only do so much if it was them instead. We humans can sympathize and listen but what else can they do, nothing. Only God the creator who made us with time bring healing and comfort.

if I had friends and family  members that always had uncontrollable tears and dragged my spirits down, I wouldnt hang with them real often. You may need someone else to help them and someone different to help you for now.  Yes, I expected to get help from his family but the relationship changed with them all and I got more comfort from ones I didn't expect. It will take all your precious energy to deal with unnecessary drama. It's ok to be selfish when it comes to your heal and wellbeing. 

So get help from a professional if it is needed with a grief person to be able to heal properly. God bless and keep us posted.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Epope said:

right now I feel selfish in all of my grief

And that is normal and as it should be...we are by necessity inward drawn and if that comes across selfish, so be it.  It is a time when we are thin skinned and looking through lenses where everything is about us.  We have just been through the greatest trauma of our life!  It is akin to brain trauma...if you had a severe brain injury and was in the hospital, learning everything all over again, everyone would understand and be patient with us.  This is not that different!  We are learning to do life alone without our partner and it takes us much out of our comfort zone...pretty much our comfort zone is gone now!

I would advise you to put the bottle down though because it's a depressant and hardly what you need right now.  It's important to give yourself the best care you can to ensure the best way possible through this very challenging time...eat something healthy, drink water, take a walk when you can muster it.  Maybe just start with a shower and change of clothes?  

Whether you attend the concert or not is up to you...he isn't the one left dealing with all this, you are, so you will do it your way, his way might be different, we'll never know, it's not him going through it, it's you.  If you feel you'd regret it if you missed the concert, then go, try it, you can always leave at intermission if you can't handle it.  Try it with someone else or alone, whichever feels easiest to you.  Understanding NOTHING is "easy" right now.

How you feel around friends and family may be different tomorrow than it is today.  It's only been a month, that's not much time in the scheme of things, it took me probably three years to process my husband's death.  In the beginning I couldn't even get groceries as we always made a day of it together, driving to the city (we lived in the country), seeing friends, going out to eat, getting groceries together, me watching the cashier and him bagging the groceries.  In the beginning my daughter had to do the grocery shopping but eventually I stretched beyond my comfort zone, put on my big girl panties and did it myself...by myself.  Much the same way I've had to tackle everything.  I lost my job, had to look for another one, this at the beginning of the recession, just as I'm reaching the age employers don't want to hire you.  Three times I lost my job in the recession.  Somehow I managed to hang onto my home, put a new roof over my head and never missed a meal.  I consider that quite a feat!  I got through this and somehow you will too.  

And yes, by all means, please call a professional grief counselor today and set up an appointment.  They are there to help us navigate our way through grief, we need all the help we can get.  And keep coming here.  We "get it", we understand, we've been there...we ARE there.

[Miye]

You're so generous trying to comfort his family, but you have your own pain and you might need to step back a little and take time to heal. My sister in law used to talk a lot about how we couldn't do anything to save his life, since my love died unexpectedly, as I listened to her I tried to hold my tears as much as I could and then  came home and spent days feeling depressed and crying all the time...I had to stop seeing her. My babies paid the price of me trying to  handle more than I could.  I don't think you're selfish at all... Take your time but don't give up