In-laws have abandoned me---

[Linda P]

Is that normal?   It breaks my heart that I lost the love of my life and now since the Funeral everyone seems to have disappeared.  I have reached out and they respond.  But otherwise nothing. If I don't contact them, they won't contact me.  I realize they have their own lives and they hurt too. But, I am his wife and I am destroyed and no one seems to care. Sorry for feeling sorry for myself-but it's not fair--they get to go on with their lives. They have their spouses to hold in the middle of the night. They have their spouses to talk to instead of the walls of the house.  I have to pick up the pieces and start over again.  A phone call, a text message, anything just to ask "How are you doing?"  I am not doing well.  I am a mess. I wish they would care. 

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Linda P said:

Is that normal?   It breaks my heart that I lost the love of my life and now since the Funeral everyone seems to have disappeared.  I have reached out and they respond.  But otherwise nothing. If I don't contact them, they won't contact me.  I realize they have their own lives and they hurt too. But, I am his wife and I am destroyed and no one seems to care. Sorry for feeling sorry for myself-but it's not fair--they get to go on with their lives. They have their spouses to hold in the middle of the night. They have their spouses to talk to instead of the walls of the house.  I have to pick up the pieces and start over again.  A phone call, a text message, anything just to ask "How are you doing?"  I am not doing well.  I am a mess. I wish they would care. 

I am experiencing the same thing with my husband's family. I have plans to meet with my mother/sister in-law next weekend. I think what we have to remember is that as their spouse we are another reminder of what was. I have to admit that I am really hurt because I am all alone but I know that his family is grieving as well and we are all doing the best we can. I guess one of the hardest parts is realizing that we have to find our own support and if we can't find it in people then we have to learn to lean on God. We can't do this alone it is too big and too painful. We have to be our own best friend and find comfort and joy in all the little things that show up. Sometimes I cannot see them but then other days I am aware of a smile from a stranger or even finding a good parking space right away. The smallest things matter to me now. I hope you find some bright spots in your day. (Hugs)

[KayC]

Linda,

I don't know how "normal" it is, but I sure know it's common!  ALL of our friends and his family disappeared, some even BEFORE the funeral!  I was shocked!  It is hard enough to lose your spouse but to lose everyone else too is really rough!  Thankfully my family stuck by me, even though they hadn't a clue what I was going through, as you said, they all still have their spouse, can still cuddle up with them, have them to count on, get to talk to them, etc.

In time you will make new friends and I hope your family is still there for you.  Apparently death is uncomfortable for most people so they avoid us, they don't know what to say, so they don't bother.  No one asked us if it was comfortable for us, we just got it to deal with!

It's been 13 years for me...my address book is rewritten. I haven't talked to his sister or brothers since the funeral, and most of them didn't even bother to come to that.  His dad called a year later and badmouthed him to me...I told him how George was always there for him and reminded him how he'd drive two hours to see him and play cards with him.  I told him to call me back when he had something good to say, he never did.  He also died a few years ago.  I know my husband is sorry it went that way but I hope he understands I couldn't be cordial to someone who would disrespect him after he died, especially since he didn't deserve it!

Yes, this is all too common.  It does teach us how to respond to others we encounter that have lost someone.  We know what to say...what not to say, what to do, what not to do.

Here is a good article on the subject, I hope it helps you as it did me:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html

[Whispering Willow]

I fully expected my in-laws to stop calling me after my husband passed. So far its been 6 weeks and I am shocked to say they have been keeping in contact with me. They check in on my son and I. What makes it strange to me is that I have not had a good relationship with them for most of my marriage which was 22 yrs. I wish the kindness they are showing me now was done while my husband was alive. It would have made him happy. Maybe they are doing it out of guilt, who knows. Either way, I do appreciate their kindness. ,The one person I wish that would stop calling me is my father-n-law. He is crass and has always been an overall pain in the a**. He is now suffering a little dementia so when I talk to him, he says the same things over and over. He is one of those people that seems to always say the wrong thing. I have been patient as I know people dont know what to say and some will say things they dont mean but my patience is now getting rather thin with him. Every time I talk to him he says that my husband never said a bad word about me. Ok, I know he is trying to give me some sort of compliment in that statement but it's annoying. Another thing he says is that I am not kicked out of the family. Each time I talk to him, its the same conversation. He called me a few days ago and I haven't returned his call yet. I haven't been in the best mood and simply don't want to talk to people I dont like. 

[Elle N]

On 7/25/2018 at 2:21 PM, Linda P said:

Is that normal?   It breaks my heart that I lost the love of my life and now since the Funeral everyone seems to have disappeared.  I have reached out and they respond.  But otherwise nothing. If I don't contact them, they won't contact me.  I realize they have their own lives and they hurt too. But, I am his wife and I am destroyed and no one seems to care. Sorry for feeling sorry for myself-but it's not fair--they get to go on with their lives. They have their spouses to hold in the middle of the night. They have their spouses to talk to instead of the walls of the house.  I have to pick up the pieces and start over again.  A phone call, a text message, anything just to ask "How are you doing?"  I am not doing well.  I am a mess. I wish they would care. 

I’m so sorry that you are not getting the support you need. My fiancé took his life about 6 weeks ago now and I do understand what you mean to a point. Slowly the tx messages of ‘how you doing’ ‘just checking in’ have stated to dry up and you feel like why/how can everyone just be gettin on with their lives when yours has fallen apart? 

My Dad has also just started chemotherapy and I now feel I’ve lost my family’s support slightly as were all concerned for my dad. It’s like I’ve had to feel like I just ‘have to get on with it’ now, when I’m absolutely broken inside. I’m lucky to have two very good friends that have been amazing to me but again the offers of ‘popping round’ or a daily tx have started to disappear as they have there own family’s and lives going on. 

I’ve just stated to have some counselling as a way of letting out how I’m feeling. I’m hoping it will help and that I won’t feel so abandoned if I know I have that person to talk to weekly. Maybe, if it’s something your open to, you could try that? 

Please know your not alone I think we all feel like this to some degree. How the hell is the world still turning when we are going through this crap?! 

Take care of yourself xx

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Whispering Willow said:

I haven't been in the best mood and simply don't want to talk to people I dont like. 

And you don't have to.  Call him back when you have to leave someplace shortly and that will give you an "out" (Sorry I cant talk but I have to be at class/work, etc.).  Mete out the time with negative people very sparingly.  Be around who you CHOOSE to be around, who you feel is helpful and supportive.