Can’t shake the feeling of guilt

[ggp123]

The love of my life passed away just over 2 years ago now. We were together for 4 years and he was 19 when he passed away very suddenly. 

I cant describe the pain, the lonliness and heartache and pure despair that I felt and still feel. He was the love of my life, my absolute whole world and my future. You know when you just know you’re going to spend your life with that person, you just know they are your soulmate, that’s what it was between us, we were just meant to be and it was as clear as day. 

The past few months I can’t shake the feeling of guilt, I feel so guilty. I’ve been going to the cemetery less, and while I think of him each and every day, I’ve found myself crying less. And I know that should be a good thing and people will say it is, but I feel so guilty. For the first time in 2 years I can see myself moving forward, not with someone else but just in general, I don’t feel so stuck anymore almost that I’m finding my way but it scares me so much and I feel as if I’m doing something so wrong. It doesn’t feel right to be happy or to be doing things with my life, I feel so confused. 

I miss him so much, I miss him more each day and my heart still cries out for him but I feel like time is going too quickly and he’s slipping away. It’s the worst feeling I just don’t know how to feel anymore. 

Can anyone relate? 

[reader]

Dear ggp123,

Please know everything you are feeling and thinking is a normal part of grief. Many people have told me that grief lessens in intensity over time. This is normal. I know its hard but it doesn't mean you have forgotten or loved this person any less. It is just part of life that all of us go through. We all have to do our best to carry on with our lives.

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, ggp123 said:

The past few months I can’t shake the feeling of guilt, I feel so guilty. I’ve been going to the cemetery less, and while I think of him each and every day, I’ve found myself crying less. And I know that should be a good thing and people will say it is, but I feel so guilty.

Hon, I feel for you, I really do, it's so hard to go through this and you're so young...it somehow just seems so wrong when one is young and they should be able to look forward to the rest of their lives together.

I want to assure you that guilt feelings are part of grief.  But they are based on feelings and are not actual fact-based or deserved.  It is our body's way to adjust, the intense pain of the beginning lessens in time, thank God for that as we couldn't handled this prolong pain indefinitely, it's bad enough that we have to carry this grief with us throughout our lives.  It lessens into something more palatable that we can handle, and that is as it should be.  I want to tell you what I've told others who feel this way...It is not our grief that binds us, it is our love, and that continues still.  My husband died 13 years ago and I still miss him each and every day.  I think about him all the time.  My love for him has grown during this time, and there's no doubt in my mind that he exists still and we'll be together again.  It is okay and normal that you don't go to the grave as often, it is the natural progression as we begin to heal.  It in no way means you're leaving him behind.