I killed my dog and hate myself

[Kaydee]

I came across this site looking for answers about whether my girl would be ok after passing and while I’m still no further on with knowing whether she is, I feel I have to get this off my chest. I adopted her from a rescue site roughly 11 months ago, she was neglected and abused when she arrived at us and had no real interest in human contact, I didn’t know if that would change, but she deserved a better life so we tried to give it to her. I think we did for the most part, after a few months she became spoiled & wanted nothing but kisses & hugs and she just had to be the centre of attention, which she always was. She is one of the breeds who have breathing issues and we were told she would be prone to overheating as they all are. The country I live in isn’t hot, But the past few weeks we have had a strange spell of warm weather which meant she really wasn’t getting the exercise she usually would as it could cause her to become unwell. Over the past few days it’s started to cool down and I decided to take her on a walk yesterday it was around 17-18 degrees and overcast and while she was only out for half an hour she kept stopping, I thought she was being stubborn (her breed is know for that) and kept trying to get her to move and at one point she laid on the concrete and wouldn’t budge. I should have known at that point that she was trying to tell me she couldn’t go any further and I wouldn’t listen as we were a short distance from home and I kept trying to get her there to get her cooled down properly. Once I did get her home she collapsed in the garden and I tried to get her to breathe but it wouldn’t work & I took her to the vet within minutes but she was already gone when we got there. I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t the fact that I shouldn’t have walked her out of my head, I keep seeing her face when I close my eyes or even when I go to the area in my house that was ‘hers’, I’ve had to hide her belongings as looking at them is killing me. I killed her and I know I did, I just don’t know how I’ll ever move on from it or be ok with what I’ve done to her, I didn’t even get to properly hug her or tell her I loved her before she was gone and I feel as if in the moment she died she must have hated me for forcing her to walk, this may sound stupid to some but I adored her and only tried to give her the life she should have had from the beginning, yet feel I was horrible to her in her last moments, instead of letting her lay down I made her come home & I would genuinely do anything to change what happened & knowing I can’t is making me so upset and I deserve every bit of it.

[KayC]

Oh Kaydee,

I want nothing more than to put my arms around you and hold you as you cry.  Your story is truly heartbreaking.  You are in so much pain, but you couldn't have known!  You loved this dog as no one ever had, and would have done anything for her!  Our guilt feelings are part of our grief, they're common, they're normal, but oh so hard to take!  I want you to know that just because you FEEL guilt, doesn't mean it's justified.  It's simply a matter of not knowing what she was going through.  It's very likely she would have died anyway, but I realize that's of little consolation.  You feel what you feel.

I hope you will read these articles, they explain it so much better than I could.  Read them and take them to heart.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[Kaydee]

Thankyou for your kind words KayC ❤️ I just hate the fact I didn’t take the time to consider something was wrong and how she felt it’s absolutely killing me and I can’t stop crying. I love her like she was my baby and the thought of going on without her is truly heartbreaking.  I didn’t get to show her that it was going to be ok and hugging her etc after she was gone didnt help I truly feel this was all my fault and I’ll never forgive myself for it. She was simply a beautiful little soul and deserved the absolute best, which makes me ashamed that at the end I didn’t give it to her. I appreciate all you’ve said though and thankyou for the links xxx

[KayC]

Hugging her after she was gone may not have helped you but it may have meant a lot to HER.  They say the spirit often lingers a while after it's left the body, perhaps she knew.  She loved you too and I'm sure was grateful for the love and care you gave her.

[My buddy Thomas]

Kaydee, 

I am deeply deeply sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my cat Thomas this day exactly one month ago and I feel I was at fault for his death. One thing the many wonderful people on this forum taught me is that hindsight is so easy and it's always so easy to be wise after the event. The truth is there is no way you could have known that she was overheating. 17-18 celsius and overcast isnt that warm. We would certainly take our labrador walking in those conditions. And like that she is always stopping and being stubborn not wanting to walk. I really don't think you did anything wrong, god knows there are many dog owners that dont take their dogs walking at all. You were being a good pet owner and wanting to make sure she got her exercise. 

My heart goes out to you, I am still in the same boat as you looking at Thomas' stuff and where he is buried and replaying everything in my head..... I hope that time helps to heal us both. 

[Kaydee]

Thankyou KayC I certainly hope that’s true  as I hope she seen how much it hurt to see she wasn’t with me anymore. I just wish I could go back as I’d do anything to relive yesterday. 

[Kaydee]

My Buddy Thomas - im

Im so sorry for your loss, it truly is one of the most heartbreaking things you can feel, I know people say they are just pets but they really are our babies. Time will make it easier I hope for us both but I don’t feel I can forgive myself, it’s more regret than anything I wish something would have stopped me from taking her out, she was not getting what she needed due to the recent heat but I thought I was doing the right thing and that’s why it’s hurting as badly as it is because it wouldn’t have done much damage to just let her put on a bit of weight and let her get the exercise she needed once the weather had cooled completely. I just can’t stop crying and people keep telling me it’s silly as she was just a dog but I don’t feel that way at all. I hope you find comfort in the fact he will still be with you in some way and that he appreciated how loved he was.

[KayC]

That isn't that warm at all, it makes me wonder if something else was going on but we can't always know what's going to happen or predict it.  I'm just so sorry you are both hurting.

Kaydee, if someone told me it was "just a dog" I would have gone off on them!  I could not contain myself!  It's not "just a dog", they are our companions, our family members, and so much more wonderful that most people we encounter!  I love the article I got a while back about all the ways dogs are good for us, it says a lot.

https://www.wileypup.com/health-benefits-of-having-a-dog/

People who are not "dog people" just don't get it!

[Kaydee]

I didn’t seem to think so either but she struggled a lot and that’s what made me think it was still too much for her, I can’t even say it was quick or she wasn’t in pain because this went on for a while before she finally gave into it, which is breaking my heart I allowed her to be in that much pain before she left.

i totally agree some people have looked at me as though im silly for being this upset for being unable to function properly since it happened but they haven’t truly loved & cared for an animal if they can be so quick to judge, she was and always will be my baby it just hurts me that I hurt her and didn’t realise until it was too late. Thankyou so much your words are very comforting KayC ❤️ It just seems to be something I have no chance of getting over if the way I feel right now is anything to go by :(

[KayC]

Well I pray that in time that feeling diminishes or softens, I know she wouldn't want you hurting either.

When I had my dog, Lucky, euthanized ten years ago, she fought it and it was very hard to watch, I was very distraught as I was trying to ease her pain and struggles.  I'd never seen a dog fight it before, I thought it'd be more like she was going to sleep but she seemed to know something and fight against it, it has made it very hard to accept.  The vet said a certain number of them do that.