Lost My Cat and Cannot Cope

[Summering]

Hi, and thanks for reading my post.  I'll try to make this as short as possible.

Growing up, I didn't have any pets.  Today, I'm a 38-year old guy, and it wasn't until 2011 when I moved in with my significant other and his cat that I developed an affection for cats.  After breaking up in 2015 (and subsequently getting back together a few years later), I made it clear that I wanted to keep the cat, and he obliged.  During this time, my grandfather passed away and I was dealing with lots of family drama which came to a close that summer.  At that point, I had already had it set in my mind that I wanted to either foster or adopt another cat to keep my first cat company when I was at work, and to also rescue one in need.  I also had some criteria....I wanted a Senior cat because they hardly ever get adopted.  And I also wanted a black cat since they're the ones that typically get overlooked.  I finally found Morgan (a tuxedo cat who had a previous generic name given to her by the animal shelter) exactly 3 years ago this week.  She was minutes away from being one of a dozen cats being put down daily in the NYC animal control center, and she was described as a very sweet 11-year-old cat that apparently no one wanted. 

From day 1, Morgan was attached to my hip and it was clear that she had a very different personality from my other cat who was more independent.  Constantly vocal, meowing all the time, and was only content to be on top of my chest getting belly rubs.  Coming home from work, she'd be right at the door waiting for me,  happily greet me, and jump right onto my chest and purr with delight because she was so content.  And the tummy rubs....she LOVED tummy rubs. For HOURS.

I made it my mission to give Morgan everything and more, which I justified due to a) I had no idea what her previous life was like,  b) she was so "undesirable" for not being rescued that I wanted her to have the best and most comfortable last few years as possible and c) she gave me unconditional affection and love which I have never received before.  She loved to sleep on top of me or be held right next to me.  Aside from my own essentials (food, rent, etc.), the rest went to Morgan (and my first cat too) getting everything from multiple orthopedic beds, toys, drinking fountains (where I insisted she drink bottled water with electrolytes), the best cat food, numerous cat trees (which ate up a lot of space in my small NYC apartment) and of course semi-annual visits to the vet.  My neighbors would often joke that "I" was the one renting out the apartment from the cats because they were treated so well. 

Anyway, long story short, I travel down south each summer (where my significant other has a house) and since last year, I've been bringing both cats with me.  On June 28th, I brought Morgan in for a rabies shot and just to make sure all was well with her (her last checkup went very well in January, and aced her blood-work.  The only thing she had was a heart murmur).  This time around, I got a voicemail later that night from her vet saying that her kidney levels were extremely high and that she recommended having her get an ultrasound and echo-cardiogram ASAP.  A week later, the echo revealed she had moderate heart disease and an enlarged heart.  I then took her for the ultrasound at the animal hospital a week later on July 10th (Morgan was still acting like her normal self, eating/drinking normally, etc) where they told me things were pretty dire, and if I didn't check her in right then and there that she'd barely live any longer.  Because of her enlarged heart, the cardiology department was reluctant to give her the amount of fluids she really needed to help bring her kidney levels down, so she only received enough fluids which she'd typically get in a given day.  She was discharged Thursday night the 12th, and I grilled her doctor for 90 minutes on exactly what needed to be done to keep her in good shape.   I was told she was end-stage Chronic Kidney Disease.  Devastated, I bought over $200 worth of homeopathic solutions on Amazon to help with her kidneys.  When I brought her home, she was loopy from the drugs, but made a huge turnaround the next day and into last weekend.  She was herself, jumping onto my bed and chest, purring heavily wanting tummy rubs, meowing with regular frequency, and also eating and drinking very well.

And then....a week ago exactly, I found her in the morning unable to stand up, crying faint meows.  Hysterical, me and my significant other brought her right away to her vet, where the options were limited because any kind of medication or steroid they'd want to give her would significantly increase her chances of going into heart failure.  I was told that some sort of neurological event happened between the time I went to bed on Sunday night and the following morning, when she lost all ability to stand up.  So for the next 80 hours, I was at her side nonstop.  I made her a makeshift hospital bed, insisting that she lay on all my cool-temperature Tempurpedic pillows. I hand-fed her food and water.  Every 4 hours (including overnight) I'd carry her right to the litter box and she was SUCH a good girl because she urinated despite being in obvious horrible pain.  Her limbs were so weak that had I let go of her in the litter box, she would have fallen head first.

We tried to give her a dose on Tuesday of an anti-inflammatory drug which had the least amount of side effects.  But it wasn't helping.  I was prepared to nurse her indefinitely, as my job is very flexible during the summertime, and I can work from home remotely.  I brought her back to the vet on Thursday, and was told that she was gravely ill, and had she been a human, she'd be in the ICU.  She was very weak and had lost almost 3 pounds.  The worst part is that she was still VERY MUCH CONSCIOUS AND AWARE of everything and of course me.  Her vet said that there must have been either a blood clot burst or some other kind of obstruction because her brain couldn't get the signal to her 4 legs. 

The room was small, and I fought back all my tears and hysterics and kept telling her how much I love her, and how beautiful and smart and special she was.  Her vet said that she normally doesn't say this, but that if it were her, she'd put her down.  In my head, I kept telling myself that it was unacceptable for Morgan to be in pain or to be suffering.  And I kept vocalizing to her how selfish I was being that I wanted her to stay with me.  90 minutes went by, and after asking the vet and vet technician every possible question and possible scenario (from the possible option of a kidney transplant and dialysis to any possible other medications or procedures), they made it clear that she wasn't a good candidate due to all of her conditions, and that she'd probably go within a few weeks.  I COULD have tried the steroid option, but the vet told me due to her heart condition, there was a significant risk of her going into heart failure, which would involve difficulty breathing and seizures.  I JUST could not chance it because I didn't want her to go out like that.

So as she lay peaceful on the vet's table wrapped in a warm towel, I reluctantly gave the go-ahead to put her down.  I held her and talked to her the entire time, and was a hysterical mess.  I kept telling the vet and the technician how great they were to put up with me because I know I was being difficult.  It's just that in my mind, I started off this 3-year relationship with Morgan by SAVING her from being put down, and now here I was about to do JUST THAT.  

Since Thursday, I've alternated between uncontrollable crying fits as soon as I think of her, to feelings of numbness.  Everyone around me keeps telling me what a great life she had because of me.  But they just don't understand how big a part of my life she was.  Even though I saved her 3 years ago, she's really the one who saved me.  Now the apartment is very quiet, and my other cat (who I love too, just in a different way) knows something is up (I think).  But she's not the one to jump on me and give me any kind of affection.  I probably have multiple-thousand pictures and videos of her on my phone, which I can't bare to look at for fear of getting uncontrollable.  I find myself LONGING for Morgan and just wanting her here with me.  I honestly don't know how I am going to move forward with my life.  I don't have any kids of my own, but in a way, she was my child, and I just don't know how to cope.

 

[CiCi]

I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Only those of us who have been through it know exactly how you feel. At least you had the chance/time to have her put down so she wouldn't suffer. My baby died trying to breathe and I will never get over it. We look around and it seems like for us the world has stood still while everything and everyone moves on without us, as we wallow in our pain. We'll get there, I know. It's just going to take time, so I take one day at a time and try to deal with what each day brings me. That is all I can do until I can feel better. My very best to you. 

[AJWCat]

Hi, first I am so sorry of your loss of sweet Morgan. Obviously a very special little cat.

I know how you feel. I lost my cat who who we had for 10 years very suddenly and it was awful. He was like our child (we have no kids) and it was probably one of the worst things I've been through. I was a zombie for days. Could not eat. The joy I found in life was gone. My heart felt like it had literally broken. That was almost 12 months ago. 

You did everything you could and in the end you made the right choice. It does not mean it should feel good. But objectively it was the kind thing. 

i promise you will be okay but it takes time. The love and bond is so deep, and the daily rituals are so special, when they leave us it's a shock. I wish I had some advice to help. I've walked this road and it's just something you learn to come to peace with. 

[Bs28]

Hello summering.  Your loss sounds painful and your words remind me of my emotions.  I have just recently had to put down my kitty who was my child, my best friend, my everything.  The tears I cry for her seem like they will never stop.  It hurts so badly and I hope you surround yourself with love.  I Am so sorry you are going through this.  But you are not alone.  Know that one day you will see her again, she is your angel now.

[kwood0015]

Hi Summering 

thank you so much for your post - I really connected with it since I feel like story you shared about Morgan is so similar to my pele....we just euthanized him last night (he basically told us it’s time when he stopped purring (he would purr when I looked and/or talked to him!) and wasn’t eating, drinking, moving ....it was time.  I feel so empty and lost and like you don’t know how I’m going to cope.  I lost my brother (who I was very close to) suddenly 24yrs ago and this reminds me of the pain felt when he passed....pele was my best friend who talked to me, was my little black shadow, went where ever I did, and helped me thru so many life events over 17y.  I want him back so bad, I miss him so much 

i hope thru this forum, friends and loved ones we both will feel better someday - my thoughts are with you...

[Summering]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my story and respond with your kind thoughts. It does help me to know that I’m not alone in this. 

@CiCi: I’m so sorry about your baby. My only hope is that any suffering was over quickly. 

@AJWCat: Thanks for sharing your story and I’m so sorry about your beloved cat. Sounds like you know what I’m going through 

@Bs28 I am so sorry that you had to make the difficult decision to put down your kitty. Your angel comment helped to calm my sadness. 

@kwood0015 I’m glad you were able to connect with my story. No words can describe how sorry I am for the loss of your brother and for your beloved Pele.  I pray that you find the strength to overcome this deep pain and sorrow. 17 years is such a long time, a lifetime it must feel like.  I know exactly what it’s like to have a loyal shadow, and I’m here if you ever wanna just chat or share stories about Pele.

[KayC]

@Summering  I read your story about your cat and it reminds me of my story with my cat...she grew up in a trailer court in Portland, OR, adopted and abandoned countless times by drug addicts.  She had a lifetime of abandonment...I first met her when she was 10 and she came to me when she was 12, I live in the country far from Portland, and I promised her a forever home.  I discovered she loves belly rubs and although she won't lay on me, she will soak up the belly rubs for hours and loves them!  She's now 23.

I know how hard it was for you to euthanize her, but in my opinion you did the kindest thing you could for your little girl.  I know your pain, I've lost many animals over the years, and it's the hardest thing in the world, but your selfless act took on her pain yourself in her place.  RIP Morgan

[Summering]

Thanks @KayC for your note.  I just HATE that your poor girl had 10+ years of not knowing a safe and loving home, but THRILLED to know she found an angel like you.

It's funny/weird...I know logically I did the right thing for her by allowing the vet to put her down, but I just feel so awful that she had to endure 4 days of being in pain and not being able to stand up.  I also feel just horrible that she's not with me. 

Adding to my situation is that I flew down south to my significant other's house with my other cat this past weekend, because I just could not be in my apartment any longer.  Because I'm not home until the end of August, I feel as if I'm temporarily masking my pain and sadness because I can't actually "feel" the pain of her not being home, since I'm not home myself...if that makes any sense.  I'm terrified that once I get home, it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

[KayC]

It's okay doing it like this, maybe it'll mete it out little by little this way, some find that easier anyway.  We have the pain to get through regardless of how we do it, I wish there was a way to circumvent it but I've never found it!

My heart goes out to you.  I know one day I'll again be facing this as both of my pets are elderly, but I try not to dwell on it and make the most of each day I have with them.  Still missing my last one I lost and it's been two years.

[Summering]

Thanks @KayC, I appreciate your kind thoughts and pray you don't have to deal with any kind of similar situation for a very long time.

[kwood0015]

Hi Summerling

Same to you, would be great to share stories - Pele was such a character- always making us laugh and the life of the party here - I miss him so much and cry at night bc I want him to come to bed with me like always ....god I miss him 

[Summering]

Hi @kwood0015

I know exactly how u feel about wanting him to come to bed with u as always.  I don't know about u, but I'm not ready to even begin to look at any photos or videos of Morgan...it's just too painful.  As I mentioned to KayC yesterday, adding to my situation is that I flew down south to my significant other's house with my other cat this past weekend, because I just could not be in my apartment any longer...I nursed Morgan for 80 straight hours nonstop (and would do it again in a heartbeat!).  Because I'm not actually home until the end of August, I feel as if I'm temporarily masking my pain and sadness because I can't actually "feel" the pain of her not being home, since I'm not home myself...if that makes any sense.  I'm beyond terrified that once I do get home, it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.  And while I do love my other cat (who I had before Morgan and is 15 and spry), she just does not show affection in any way like Morgan.  She'll never be the type of cat who wants to sit on your lap or chest, and God forbid if I dare tried to rub her tummy, that would JUST not fly.

Do you have any other pets?

[kwood0015]

Hi Summering

Everything you write resonates so much with me....I am still at home but finding all kinds of reasons to get out of the house so I don’t have to feel the same feeling that he’s not here with me anymore - I totally relate with you staying away from home for a while.  I’m going out of town this weekend/next week to see friends from college then offsite for work so hoping that gives some reprieve to the empty feelings.  My other cat Leo sounds like yours, he’s not like pele in that he doesn’t like to be held, pet the same way, he’s very quiet....kinda does his own thing but we’re still happy he’s here w us. I hope things do get easier for you and I, and all the others who have posted on this page ....and happy to found you and others who share the same feelings and experiences ...thank you :-)

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Summering said:

And while I do love my other cat (who I had before Morgan and is 15 and spry), she just does not show affection in any way like Morgan.  She'll never be the type of cat who wants to sit on your lap or chest, and God forbid if I dare tried to rub her tummy, that would JUST not fly.

You are describing my cat, Kitty.  But for the last year she has become more affectionate, even showing love to me.  She'd never done that in her life!  She still isn't a lap cat, but one day I asked her if she wanted me to rub her belly (she sees me give my dog belly rubs every day) and she rolled over and she loved it!  I've been giving her belly rubs and under-the-chin rubs ever since, often for an hour or two in the evening!  She's 23 and I found our bond is stronger than ever before.  And she's not what I'd call a naturally affectionate cat!  Perhaps knowing that it makes it all the more special to me when she does show some affection.

[Summering]

Hi Kwood - ditto here on being happy to be able to share and interact with you and others in this forum.

KayC - WOW!  You're so incredibly lucky to have Kitty and grow your bond even stronger!  That's truly a wonderful thing. 

[KayC]

Yes, but with all the losses I've been through, I'm keenly aware that the price for loving is loss and the ensuing grief, and I know I won't have her much longer.  A friend was up this week and hadn't seen her for 1 1/2 years and he also noticed the changes in her, loss of weight, cysts developed, hearing loss, slowing down, yet even so, she's amazing for her age and still very agile.

 

[Summering]

I hear you @KayC

Please just try to enjoy every single possible moment with your beloved Kitty.  You are truly an angel for giving so much of yourself to all these different animals through the years.  If even 1/10 of the world had 1/10th the compassion as you do, I believe we'd all be living in a much better world.

As I mentioned in my original post, this has been my first rescue animal and first death of a pet I've ever experienced.  I'm proud of myself that I was able to rescue Morgan who was literally 3 minutes away from being out down....all because no one wanted an old black cat, despite her sugary sweet non-judgmental disposition and unlimited amount of affection.  Looking back on these last 3 years with her, I truly believe in my heart that she is the one that rescued me, and I will never stop thinking about her and loving her for as long as I'm alive.  And maybe if I have her in my thoughts and share stories about her, she lives on in some way.

The other thing too is that I would REALLY want to rescue another unwanted senior pet sometime in the future, but afraid of going through this sadness all over again.  My mom mentioned to me the other day that she's been chatting with some of her friends who have regularly rescued senior pets, and while the consensus is that they all agree in the back of their minds that they know their time together will most likely be short-lived, rescuing a senior animal means so much more to them as they're not having to worry about the basic things like being fed, access to clean water, love, and a safe warm bed in their final years....which I think outweighs the grief in ultimately losing them when it's their time.

Praying that Kitty is able to be here with you for several more years pain-free!

[KayC]

Try not to let fear stop you from adopting again.  It may be painful for a while, but our grief does evolve and in time it's more easily carried as a kind of sadness as we continue to miss them, but it won't stay in this intense pain either.  Right now you're getting used to all of your daily interactions and habits changing, it's a huge adjustment.  Once that has been adjusted to, it becomes easier to carry.  Plus the shock of losing them wears off in time.

I'm so glad I adopted my dog and cat...I have lost more animals than I can count over the years, by this age (I'm elderly), it's been a lot, but each one enriched my life and was a privilege to know and love.  And all so unique!

[AJWCat]

I love your comment here KayC. we have to get used to the adjustment. And the shock does wear off thank God. After a few months we adopted another cat.

I admit I am so fearful now!! I worry what can happen, what will happen? And then I try to calm down and realize all I can do is my best at every turn. I am willing to risk future pain of loss because I would rather rescue than not. I'd rather have another cat than not. If we want to have love we have to risk loss and potential sadness. All things will end. 

It's just how life is.

It makes me so sad and yet I am glad to be able rescue another.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I admit I am so fearful now!! I worry what can happen, what will happen? And then I try to calm down and realize all I can do is my best at every turn. I am willing to risk future pain of loss because I would rather rescue than not. I'd rather have another cat than not. If we want to have love we have to risk loss and potential sadness. All things will end. 

Once we've experienced loss, it occurs to us, when we love another, we could easily lose them.  My cat and dog are elderly, the thoughts occur to me, I may not have them a lot longer, that concerns me of course, yet I try to put that thought at bay and focus on the here and now and enjoy the time I have with them.  When the time does come, I will have to deal with it, I will experience that horrid gut-wrenching pain again, but today I want to enjoy them while I can.  I've wondered how I will handle losing Arlie and pray it's a few years away yet, hoping against hope, yet I know when the time does come, I will have to deal with it, much like when I lost my sweet husband, George.  I know the pain mimics our love in intensity, it's going to be a whopper.

10 hours ago, AJWCat said:

and yet I am glad to be able rescue another.  

And that says it all...