Lost my mom to cancer and it's been so hard to get over

[Devin]

Hello I lost my mom a little over a year ago to breast cancer. My mom was my best friend. We talked on the phone every day at least 10 times a day. If I was ever feeling down I could call her and just hearing her voice or a joke she would tell would immediately lift my spirit. Even when I didn't tell her something was wrong with me she knew and would make me feel better even if she didn't ask me what was wrong. I miss the bond we had. I realize now that I didn't appreciate it to the fullest because I thought it would always be there. I don't have any siblings and none of my family has really been there. I feel like I'm all alone and it's been very difficult. I'm really trying hard to get over it. Everyone's telling me you need to get over it you need to let her go but they all still have their mother. They can still call their mother right now if they choose to. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to let it go. And the worst part is I was in the room when my mom took her last breath and those images I can not get out of my head. No matter how hard I try. 

[SLD]

Hi Devin, I also just lost my mother to breast cancer in february. She was only 63 and also my best friend. Like you, I was with her when she took her last breath and I am also haunted by that image. I started therapy about a month ago because I feel very alone. My brother did not have a good relationship with our mother and I don’t really hear from anyone else in the family. My therapist suggested I find a support group because I feel like no one understands what I’m dealing with. I came upon this message board and yours was the first message I saw. The similarities in our stories caught my attention. I would love to chat more if you’re interested...Sarah

[Madi Jones]

Hello! I also have a similar story as my mom passed away last April due to breast cancer. It has been incredibly rough, but I find talking to other definitely helps! If you ever wanna talk, never second guess it! Here is my email Madiandher4ponies@gmail.com  

[MzErica050718]

How are you? Devin this is my first post on a forum since I lost my mom in May. The 27th to be exact. I too lost her to a cancer. A r Eare aggressive one. We found out this feb. and she just passed in May. 3 months and my mom was gone. EVERYTHING present is still so cloudy. Everything I go to do and say reminds me of my mom. I have 3 sisters and out of them I am the middle child with 2 kids. I gave my mom her only grandchildren. My mom raised MY oldest until she wasn't able to anymore. So for me I'm having to search around for an inner strength for not only myself but my daughters I now have. It already brings comfort and relief to know I am not alone in losing a parent. A lot of my associates have both parents still. They're understanding of my situation isn't there. I have went downhill in life. Turned to trying to fill a void with alcohol. Affecting not only myself but my babies. I want you to know. Stranger or not I am here for you. It becomes easier to talk about the more I do it. We just gotta be smart. We gotta try not to dwell on our mom as this woman who was took from us and look at her as the gift she always was and say thank you to jesus for allowing us to be the bearer of her fruits! Our moms are angels. Tooken early in life because God had something he needed their help with. We have a calling each of us and once that purpose is filled, eternal rest is the next step. This world is a temporary shell. Do not let its presence make you. I love each of us and today will be a better day not because I have to go to work but because I know someone else is gonna read our posts and feel a sense of comfort in knowing there's more of us who have lost someone and life for us is different now. But Jesus said our strength is there to handle certain tragedies. Our purpose in life is much greater. Communication is the best counseling. And you don't have to do it paid at a clinic. The support I can say is here with me for any of you.. Keep Jesus First.

[Jane Matters]

I lost my Mom May 25, 2016. You may relate to thia post and you may not, I lost my mom when I was 18, and I just turned 21 so things may be a bit different for you depending on your age. Its a day ill never forget. My life has changed completely since she died. But I am over two years now, and I still get crippled by certain things. In fact today one of my childhood friends mothers beat breast cancer, and I'm pissed, I am angry that she beat it and my mom did not. They were really good friends, so it almost feels like she betrayed my mom. I shouldnt feel like this. As far as the "get over it" those people can just shut it. Nothing makes me more mad than someone who has not lost a parent telling me its time to move on. Like what do you think I try to do every single day! There is a giant hole that will never be filled, and there is nothing we can do. I too was there as my mom stopped breathing.I still find my self back there. Get used to not sleeping and having long nights hiding in the bathroom trying to stifle your cries. Get used to people being inconsiderate and people who don't treat their mom how they should. That is goung to crawl under skin so much. But you, and I, and everyone else on here has GOT to remember to BREATHE. This sucks and that's really all there is. Its a world of hurt. Eventually you may be able to do things in honor of your mother with out crying. Do NOT beat yourself up, the world does that for you enough. Let your self be you. If you want to take a spur of the moment road trip to visit somewhere you and her went, then go. Grief is a process, there is no timeline, there is no structure, there is no order. If you are angry then go out somewhere and scream your head off, I did this once and the police were called because someone thought something was wrong...oops. The next time I went out somewhere more remote.lol.  Do NOT be ashamed to talk about her. Just because she is dead does not mean the stories y'all had are. Your friends will adjust to you, if you want to tell a story and laugh. So will they. Dont think you will be just bringing the mood down. Stories like that can be bittersweet, and will help you to get used to being ok with her passing. It will hurt like he'll it always will. But you will gain so much wisdom and understanding towards others. You will change, please don't be upset with yourself when you do.

[SLD]

Jane, thank you for your post and I’m so sorry that you lost your Mom so young. It’s been 5 months for me and I’ve already felt every emotion that you identified. I, too, find myself wondering why some people survive and some don’t. My mom was cancer free for 2 years after her mastectomy and then it returned with a vengeance in her bones, liver, and brain. I’m 38 years old and so angry that I have to live the rest of my life without my mother. I got married just this past December and the cancer was so aggressive at that point that she couldn’t make it to my wedding. I got a call when I was out of the country on my honeymoon that she was in the hospital and it was spreading fast. At 21, I can only imagine that you feel the same and think about all of the things your Mom won’t be there for. You may even be angry that I got my mom 20 years longer than you and I totally get it. But the bottom line is that none of it is ok, at any age. Cancer robbed us of our mothers way too early and now we have to figure out how to go on without them. I appreciate your comment about changing and not to be mad when it happens because I already realize how necessary that will be in order for me to go on. Thank you for sharing your story. For me personally, it helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do. 

[Motee]

On 7/24/2018 at 3:15 PM, MzErica050718 said:

How are you? Devin this is my first post on a forum since I lost my mom in May. The 27th to be exact. I too lost her to a cancer. A r Eare aggressive one. We found out this feb. and she just passed in May. 3 months and my mom was gone. EVERYTHING present is still so cloudy. Everything I go to do and say reminds me of my mom. I have 3 sisters and out of them I am the middle child with 2 kids. I gave my mom her only grandchildren. My mom raised MY oldest until she wasn't able to anymore. So for me I'm having to search around for an inner strength for not only myself but my daughters I now have. It already brings comfort and relief to know I am not alone in losing a parent. A lot of my associates have both parents still. They're understanding of my situation isn't there. I have went downhill in life. Turned to trying to fill a void with alcohol. Affecting not only myself but my babies. I want you to know. Stranger or not I am here for you. It becomes easier to talk about the more I do it. We just gotta be smart. We gotta try not to dwell on our mom as this woman who was took from us and look at her as the gift she always was and say thank you to jesus for allowing us to be the bearer of her fruits! Our moms are angels. Tooken early in life because God had something he needed their help with. We have a calling each of us and once that purpose is filled, eternal rest is the next step. This world is a temporary shell. Do not let its presence make you. I love each of us and today will be a better day not because I have to go to work but because I know someone else is gonna read our posts and feel a sense of comfort in knowing there's more of us who have lost someone and life for us is different now. But Jesus said our strength is there to handle certain tragedies. Our purpose in life is much greater. Communication is the best counseling. And you don't have to do it paid at a clinic. The support I can say is here with me for any of you.. Keep Jesus First.

You just wrote the story of my life in your post. I lost my Mum in May, 18th to be precise. she was my joy and my angel on earth. As the middle child, I was also the only daughter. I gave her the two grandchildren she knew. She raised my oldest for two years. she was the pillar of our family and it all made sense because of her. I have been lost since then. She was my BEST FRIEND. I have no one to turn to. Everyone keeps telling me to move on but they have their mothers. I draw my strength from Jesus but I am in so much pain, it cripples my  heart. All I have is guilt and regrets for not seeing early signs of her ailment. I'm trying to keep Jesus first too. Knowing I am not alone helps the depression. 

[Motee]

Hi Devin,

I hope you find support and all the help you need. I talked to my Mum more than 10 times daily and I still find it hard to believe she is gone. I have a hard time sleeping or being alone. I miss her so much. There are many images I cannot get out of my head. She was just 56. I am so angry, depressed, sad and all sorts right now. She has 7 siblings alive and she was the youngest. I try to draw my strength from reading and trying to help others cope but it's so hard for me to cope.

[TLilich]

Hello. I have read all your stories, and they reminded me of my own. I lost my grandmother last Monday. My parents have abandoned me as I was a child, so she has raised me since I was about one year old. We've been really close. February 2017 she was diagnosed metastatic colorectal cancer. She lived in a different city, and the doctors there said there is no hope for her. So, I brought her to the city I live. She spent her last 1,5 years in my house. It was a tough struggle, but we walked the whole path together. I spent all this time taking care of her. Now that she is gone, I just don't know what to do next. I feel like I've lost the only important thing in my life. Everything reminds me of her. I can't cope with this loss on my own. I'm 28, I do not have any children, and I get no support from my husband. I'm also not religious, so I find no relief in faith. I feel devastated and abandoned. I was with her when she took her last breath last Monday. She was cremated yesturday. It was very painful to see her dead. Now, when I recall her, I see her face in the coffin. I just can't get over this. I'm so sorry for her. I miss her, and I feel like there's no one I can rely on anymore.

Sorry for my English. I just couldn't find any forums like this in my native language. Your stories helped me realise that it's okay to mourn, and nothing is wrong with me. People around me are just like: Well, at least she's not suffering anymore, so pull yourself together and move on. Nobody cares, and this makes me desperate.

[SLD]

Tlilich, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother just last week. The initial shock is still so fresh for you, so it is understandable that you feel the way you do. Your emotions will change and you will face some that are totally unfamiliar but it is all normal, even though you don’t feel like it is. Therapy has helped me realize that I have PTSD from watching my mother pass away and like you, I feel like I have no purpose now that she is gone. She was my whole world for my entire life so now that she’s gone, I am lost. Like you, I must find a new focus/purpose. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you are getting support. I really haven’t gotten much either which is why I turned to therapy. I have to pay someone to listen but at least she’s listening! I hope it helps you to know that you’re not alone and what you are experiencing is very normal. I’m not sure what your native language is but your English is perfect! 

[TLilich]

Dear SLD,

Thank you for your reply! I understand you very well. I'm sad to hear about your loss, and how bad you feel about it. Perhaps, turning to a therapist might be a good option for me too. It looks like paying someone to listen to you is the only way to get the support you need. At least, in our case. 

It is so sad that there's nothing we could change now. I hope we both will find a new purpose in our lives, which will help us live on. I believe your mother was a great person, and I can feel how much you miss her. So do I.

Your words have warmed my heart. It is comforting to know, that I'm not the only one, who feels this way. I'm also always willing to listen to you (for free haha), if you need someone to talk about your mother or something else.

[SLD]

@TLilich please feel free to email me any time you’d like to chat. I’m so appreciative of your kind words and support. I think we have a lot in common. My name is Sarah and my email is dubreesarah@yahoo.com