Please tell me if I am wrong

[BetsyD]

So, I have had an interesting revelation that may or may not be true. When my Tom passed away, of course his social security income was also gone - that was what we used to pay our mortgage. Now, of course, I have some financial concerns, but I will work that out  - not the point of this rant.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband four years ago. She is my age, he was 85 and they had been married for over twenty years - a wonderful, loving, adventurous and happy marriage, where age was never a factor. In any event, she has substantial finances and is employed in a very senior position at a major financial institution, so between her own successes and his, she is "ok" and can pretty much afford what she wants.  Anyway, she will be going on a major international vacation with a friend next month. She spends time with distant family members, goes to the beach, spends "girls weeks" at friends condos in Mexico, etc. I provide all of this to get to my rather long-winded point.

Yesterday, I told her I had no desire to ever travel again - I don't mean to not go somewhere with my children, or to go to Disneyland with my grandson when he is ready...I meant other travel. She told me "you never can tell".  Two things - #1, I had planned a surprise trip for my Tom for his birthday this coming week - we were supposed to go to Seattle, Victoria and on an Alaskan cruise to celebrate. I worked hard at my independent contracting job to pay for that (I am a grant writer). So I am having a hard time, of course, thinking about going anywhere significant without him. #2, I can't afford to just pick up and go to the beach, to a distant relative's for a visit, to Mexico with "the girls", etc. So here I am. 

Now the point of all of this. While I know she still grieves for and misses her husband, it occurred to me that she can escape because she can afford to. She gets down, she can hop on a plane and visit her great niece, or head to the beach in New Jersey to visit with his relative, or take her niece to Paris. Me, nope. So by deduction, can money help with the grieving process because you can escape it? Seems to me that is the case.  At least when comparing her to me. Or maybe I don't get it. 

Interested in opinions, but really venting more than anything because I haven't even been able to go back to see my grandson yet. 

Sorry.

[Whispering Willow]

I think finances can make a difference. Let's face it, money doesn't buy happiness but it does buy opportunities. Our worlds have been utterly rocked and its going to take some time to even think about doing things without our partners. For me and it appears for many on this forum, our husbands/wives were not just a partner, they were also our best friends. It will take some time to want to travel again, even though I am grieving something terrible, I do see traveling again. I may have to do it alone. That is okay if I am finding some sort of enjoyment but it won't be the same at all. I also think its completely normal to feel a bit envious of anyone that can do things that you wish to do if you had the opportunity. I live 4 hrs from family and friends. I am a bit isolated. I have driven back and forth. We had 2 memorials for my husband, one here for his friends and co-workers and the second for family. The escape doesn't really help me. 4 hours in the car is a long time to think about stuff. Then you just feel like a downer around other people, or at least that is how I feel. Their lives were not disrupted, they are going on with their normal day to day routines. 

Right now I am still sorting through everything we had. Life ins. 401k, etc. For the first week after my husband died, the life ins. company said they would not pay out until they investigated his death a bit further. The claim was flagged because we had just renewed our life ins. 2 yrs ago. Apparently my husband died too suddenly for them. Not only did I lose my husband but then I had the terrifying thought I may lose everything else. After several weeks of their "investigation" they deemed me worthy of the life ins. So my long winded answer is, yes money definitely helps but there is no true escape from the pain, just pain with different scenery.  

[KayC]

Money does make a difference...perhaps not to our grief itself, but to the secondary things we're dealing with.  I can assure you that money added to my stress and anxiety.  I lost my husband at the beginning of the recession...and then lost my job.  I lost my job three times during the recession.  I had to remortgage my home to pay all the hospital/doctor/ambulance bills, our debts, carry me through and now I'll be paying on an old mobile home & property until I'm 80, whereas I'd previously had it paid off.  Now that I'm retired, my place is falling apart, I'm having to get my fifth roof in the last four years (1 on house, 3 times on patio as first two contractors were horrid, now my double garage/shop/electrical and water and storage building.  It's hard doing this on one income when there was no life insurance..coincidentally, we were in the process of obtaining life insurance when he died.  I don't have money to travel, I barely make it!  My house needs painted and new flooring, no $ for that.  I have to constantly prioritize.  This month I had to change cars, then my new-to-me one needed a new battery ($167) and brakes ($468), my Bulova watch quit, my refrigerator quit, losing all my food, had to buy a new one, and now the roof.  In addition I had unexpected medical expenses.  It seems it's never ending.  I have a sister that is constantly going on cruises and traveling, she's been to Africa, Europe several times, Bahamas several times, Hawaii several times, every year someplace new.  She has a fabulous house and unbelievable Cabana and never wants for anything.  Of course, she still has her husband.  She's retiring in a couple of years at age 58.  That is a far cry from my life!  I'm trying not to trip over my threadbare carpet...I have lots of throw rugs to extend it's life.

Somehow I've gotten by.  I haven't been homeless and if you saw me you could tell I haven't missed a meal.  I'm content.  But all widowhood is not equal or the same.  I rarely hear from my daughter and my son is busy with his family 2 1/2 hours away.  My friends that are widowed have kids there for them, when my mom was widowed us kids were there for her.  She lived within walking distance of her church, pharmacy, bank, grocery store.  The city bus went by her place.  Taxis could be called.  I live in the country with no public transportation and it's up to me to shovel my snow and haul my firewood.  How I'm going to keep doing this until I'm 80 when my house will finally be paid off I don't know.  But I walk twice a day every day, keep active, and keep going.  I have to.  As Darrel (oleMisfit) says, "One foot in front of the other."