Still trying to comprehend

[Whispering Willow]

Hello everyone. I found this forum a few days ago and have been reading the posts. What I have learned so far is that what I am feeling is much what others on this forum are feeling and I guess it gives me a small sense of normalcy again. If that makes any sense at all? I lost my husband a little over 5 weeks ago. I sometimes still feel like all of this isn't real. Then another part of me feels like he has been gone forever. 

He was a my rock, one of the strongest men I have ever known and to be taken away so suddenly? My brain can't comprehend it. That day, we had gotten an estimate on siding and windows. He called me that morning to make sure I was up. I'm a bit of a night owl and work a late afternoon shift, so getting up at 9 am isn't really easy for me. That is the last time I spoke with him. Our plan was he was going to go to the gym after work and then pick up a pizza. We were to sit down and go over the estimate. I got a call around 6:24 pm from his cell but I was in a meeting at work. I did the auto reply text message that I couldn't talk right now. He called right back which is unusual. He knows if I send that message I'm in a meeting. I replied back if everything was okay? No reply from him. My meeting ended 10 minutes later and I called him back. I was a bit startled when a different man answered.

He explained he was a Dr. and told me that they had been working on my husband for an hour. He had been found in a parking lot in full cardiac arrest. They were doing their best and his words I will never forget, "I'm sorry sweetie but I don't think he is gonna make it." I flew out of the house as I work from home. I barely remember parking the car but I know I just parked it illegally. I ran into ER and it just felt like the time was moving too slowly. The whole time I kept thinking, they must have the wrong person? Sure my husband has had serious medical issues in the past. He had cancer in his 20's, a bad reaction to a food allergy once that almost killed him, a hip replacement at a young age due to his many years of playing contact sports but a heart attack? No. He was healthy, he was working out. He was unstoppable. He was such a hard worker, a strong person in so many ways. The Dr. came out of one of the rooms and I immediately noticed there was no activity going on in the room. He told me to sit down and explained that they did everything they could but my husband didn't make it. When they took me back, I still kept thinking it was all a mistake, this man had been through so much and it couldn't be real. Calling my son to let him know his Dad had passed was the next awful thing I had to do. He still lives at home with us. He is going to college and was out with his girlfriend at a baseball game. A nurse came in the room and asked me my name and told me that she was with my husband the whole time and he kept saying he was worried about me and told her to be sure to tell me, that he loved me. I don't know if she made that up. It does sound like something he would do and say. He always worried more about me and our son than himself. 

I find myself at times obsessing over the details. How he was alone when all of this happened. How that upsets me greatly. How scared he must have been. I looked at his apple watch and studied his heart rate during that time period. I analyzed the ambulance bill for the time they were called. How long was he on the ground? How long did it take for someone to find him? We moved away from where we grew up 10 yrs ago for a better life and we got it. It really hit me how alone I was. How it was just my son and I now. My husband and I were really starting to enjoy our lives. We had a beautiful home, our son was in college so he and I were doing more things together. We built successful careers and were enjoying the fruits of our labor. He had just taken a trip in March before my mom died. We planned on a trip for August. Even bought new suitcases. This was now our time to really enjoy each other and life. 

This has been such an awful time for me as I lost my dad in January, then my mother in April. I was just starting to get over the grief of losing my parents and now my husband was gone. I have been with him since I was 18 yrs old and now I am a widow at 46. I feel like a zombie most days, then other days I get a burst of energy. I cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, cleaning tops of cabinets and just on an overall frenzy. The only thing that gets me out of bed are the dogs. We have 3. I can't sleep so I find myself staying up till 4 or 5 am and then getting up around 2 pm. I took a month off work. Everyone says I will feel better when I go back in early August. I don't know if I will. Im not even sure I like my high pressure job anymore. I am upset that I didn't answer that first call right away. I will stop as I feel I am just rambling. 

[BetsyD]

1 hour ago, Whispering Willow said:

I sometimes still feel like all of this isn't real. Then another part of me feels like he has been gone forever. 

Absolutely true - I get it. I lost my husband suddenly three months ago. We were together 40 years and we never EVER knew he had developed liver cancer until it was too late - he was gone in under two weeks from final diagnosis. There are days I just go about my business thinking I will keep him posted on everything going on, then there are days where I feel he was never ever here.

1 hour ago, Whispering Willow said:

We planned on a trip for August. Even bought new suitcases. This was now our time to really enjoy each other and life. 

My Tom would have been 70 the day after tomorrow. We had just had our first grandson six weeks before he died. I had given him a surprise trip to Alaska for a birthday gift, new special tags, reservations set, dog sitter set (we have three dogs as well)...and...boom. I don't think I ever want to travel again.

 

1 hour ago, Whispering Willow said:

I feel like a zombie most days, then other days I get a burst of energy.

Yupp - I work from home as well, and there are days I can get my work done, and do wash, have something to eat that isn't a frozen meal, and play with the dogs...and then there are days where I don't do anything until midnight (other than take care of the dogs). There are days I think I can get through, then sit and stare into space. I get it.

 

Willow, you are so not alone - and since the hospice bereavement people never EVER contacted me, until I found this board I have been dealing with all of my feelings with my children and two friends...not that that is a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like a burden on them because they were so close to their dad I have to be there for them as well. Feel free to continue reading and posting. And remember, there is NO right way to deal with any of this, just the best way you can. Anyone who tells you "you will be ok" is a damned fool, because the truth of the matter is you won't ever be ok. You will get through it, you will find your path......but our lives are forever changed, forever broken - the price we have to pay for the deep love we have felt. I, for one, am glad I found that deep love.

[Whispering Willow]

BestyD, thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry your loss as well. My heart breaks for you as you also had plans. This was supposed to be the best years of our lives. Kids are grown and now it is time to really enjoy each other and life. I am so glad my husband and I took that trip in March. I actually felt guilty as my mother had been ill and was in and out of rehabs but work was stressing me out and we needed to get away. I am so glad we went as I had no idea it would be our last vacation together. 

[BetsyD]

2 minutes ago, Whispering Willow said:

Kids are grown and now it is time to really enjoy each other and life.

Exactly- and we were so enjoying it and looking forward to spending time with not only each other but also our new grandson. Our last trip was to the Mayo Clinic, and then once we heard the news we were able to spend a few days with the baby.......it is so very unfair and so hard. I am so happy you were able to have that trip, Willow - cherish the memory of it! Somehow we will survive their losses and we will at some point be grateful for all the time, the love and the joy we did have. I wish you nothing but peace and let's stay in touch.

[KayC]

@Whispering Willow

My husband also died of a heart attack, sudden, unexpected, he'd just had his 51st birthday five days before.  I was gone to my sisters' reunion, the once a year I'd go away, he went into the hospital, wouldn't let them tell me because he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  I don't think he knew he was going to die until they got the test results back 1 1/2 days later.  When I found out and got to the hospital (my sister wouldn't bring me back right away because she wanted to stay and gamble...it was pretty hard to forgiver her for that) there were people around, then they moved him, when they let me in, he was asleep, he woke up having another heart attack, they threw me off the ward while they worked on him.  I wanted to be by his side and they wouldn't let me.  Maybe an hour later they came, they didn't have to say anything, I knew.

Like you, we thought we'd grow old together, the kids were grown, my son in the Air Force, my daughter on her own...she'd come back for our sisters' reunion, and she ended up staying with me for a while, I don't know what I'd have done without her.

You are not alone in what you are feeling and going through, this is a good place to come to, it helps to know that what you are experiencing is normal for the circumstances.  

You've had so many important losses in such a short span of time, I really hope you'll see a professional grief counselor.  One loss at a time is hard enough, but this is a lot.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

[VictoriaS]

On 7/22/2018 at 7:29 AM, Whispering Willow said:

I feel like a zombie most days, then other days I get a burst of energy. I cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, cleaning tops of cabinets and just on an overall frenzy. The only thing that gets me out of bed are the dogs. We have 3. I can't sleep so I find myself staying up till 4 or 5 am and then getting up around 2 pm. I took a month off work. Everyone says I will feel better when I go back in early August. I don't know if I will. Im not even sure I like my high pressure job anymore. I am upset that I didn't answer that first call right away. I will stop as I feel I am just rambling. 

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in February to a heart attack, he was only 47. I still walk around like a zombie, pacing around the house, or cleaning. Our 3 dogs is the only reason I get up to take care of them and make sure they are ok. Most days I try to stay busy and others all I want to do is sleep. I have amazing support from my family and friends but still completely alone. I've pushed a lot of people away and prefer to just be around our dogs. I don't understand why any of this happened and I'm mad at God. I struggle at work, I've been back for three months now and it's hard. My dad told me that you never get over it, but with time you learn to live with it. I don't know if that's true but that's one of the only things I hold onto. I just want you to know you are not alone. I hope you get some sleep tonight and if you ever need to vent or talk myself and others on here are here for you. 

[Sunflower2]

@Whispering Willowthere are no words that can calm the storms you will experience on this journey.   There isn't a person on this site who doesn't feel or understand the intensity of your losses and your previous losses.  I'm beginning to understand the intensity of multiple losses.  You were not given time to attend to your previous losses.  You are in bereavement overload.  Again I share this as I'm experiencing the same within a 9 month period.  The loss of my partner is so identical in many ways. It hurts, it's hard.   Whispering Willow it's painfully excruciating.  I can only say be kind to yourself.  Find simple little ways to gently inch forward.  Read these posts as others have provided numerous ideas and rituals that have worked for them.  Understand what may work one moment may not work the next.  what may work for someone else may not work for us.  You will find your way through this darkness. It doesn't feel you will but you will.  A suggestion...multiple losses.....you may want to consider at some point working with a therapist as part of your "grief toolbox."  There is a uniqueness to what you are experiencing especially given that the previous losses were left "unattended" before you were hit with the loss of your partner.

Wishing you lightness in this darkness Whispering Willow.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, VictoriaS said:

My dad told me that you never get over it, but with time you learn to live with it.

That's very true.  It sounds like your dad's been there.

God understands our anger, it's okay, He gets it, I felt like I beat on His chest a lot that first year.  He can take it.  In time I realized He wasn't behind it happening but was there all the time I was going through it.  It helps me to know that.

3 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

Understand what may work one moment may not work the next.  what may work for someone else may not work for us

So true.

[JUJUNEWS]

My brain can't comprehend it.  I fully understand that statement.  My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung and stage 4 brain cancer on April 2 of this year and I'm still trying to put my mind around that.  Now I'm faced with the fact that my husband is dying and there is nothing they can do for him.  Like you I found this forum and it has helped me process all these feelings of anger, grief, sadness, and loneliness that I feel.  Even though my husband is still alive, I feel as though I watch a little piece of him die daily and that is the hardest thing for me to do.  This disease is robbing us of our last days together by causing us both to have major depression and causing us to pull away from each other rather than pull together.  Thank you for sharing your story even though I'm not a widow yet, I can still relate to some of your feelings.  

[KayC]

@JUJUNEWS  (((big hugs))))