Being blamed for the loss of family Dog

[Haseem Ackbar]

Last Sunday I was alone in our house with our family pug who was eleven years old. We have a daughter who is also eleven, and my wife does not believe in establishing bourndaries. Unfortuately, our home gets very hot and the air does not ciruclate well. My wife and daughter went out, and I'd planned on staying home to watch the FIFA match and do some computer work. After the game (around 1PM) I took out the garbage, and looked aroud the kitchen and saw that there were no major issues, and certainly no empty ice cream containders. Both dogs seemed OK, there was water in the bowl, and our bedroom gets very cool from the AC. The several times I saw our pug during the day, he looked OK. My wife and I have never communicated very well, but the years have flown by, and she has a way of blaming me for most things, and never imposing any type of discipline with out daughter. In truth, my wife is a very intelligent person, successful in her career, and is very likable. I'd started a home based business a few years back, and had decided to look for a job in my original profession. Sadly, later in the day, I found our pug, with his head in a round container of Eddie's Ice Cream, and he was not breathing. I drove him to the local emergency vet's, running red lights and getting their as fast as I could. My daughter has been going to work with my wife every day this past week, and each day I get texts telling me that I killed the dog, and that I am responsible for his death. I checked on the dog several times that day, and he seemed OK. I truly don't know how he got the Ice Cream container from the garbage or when, but the tests we've had run, came back as heat stroke. At first I thought that saying that if it was anyones fault, it was mine, so that my daughter did not blame herself. However, the pug (who we all loved very much) was like a son to my wife, and we've had some marital issues over the years. She blames me, and openly says in front of our daughter that I killed the pug, and that it's my fault. My daughter says she hates me, and it seems like my wife (who I realize is grieving), is using this as an opportunity to make my relationship unrepairable with my daughter. It never occurred to me that during a family tradgedy, family members would go out of their way to find ways to blame and vent on each other. I loved the pug very much, and have not even begun grieving, because I feel so attacked. My daighter now tells me that she hates me, and even worse tells me with no emotion that she does not love me any more, and my wife does nothing. 

I feel pretty desperate, and don;'t see how life is worth living when one is hated by their own child. It's always seemed like whenever my daughter and I have a good time together, my wife brings up a point of conflict, it starts an argument, and my daughter takes her mothers side. I just don't see the point any longer. I noticed that the dog was OK several points during the day, and if I thought he was having any problems, I would have taken him into the bedrom with a cold wash cloth and evenyually taken him to the vet. I know it's considered abnormal to want ones life to come to an end, but I'm hated, feel very alone, and just wish I was less of a coward,so that I could find a painelss way out. I was raised to believe that families are supposed to take care of eachother during times of grief. My wife has lost a couple of family members to suicide, including a parent, and as much as I want to live, I just can't find any reasons to continue. Maybe it's my inagination, but every step forward with my daughter, seems to be knocked back three steps by my wife, who draws no boundaries - my daughter tells my wife she wants to marry her. I always try to be nice to people and animals, yet I'm now the dog killer.. Every day,I'm tormented and made to feel worse.     

[AJWCat]

First I am just really sorry to read your entire story. I wish you were not being blamed. The whole situation is really unfortunate with your wife and daughter. I am sorry that your wife is not more compassionate. You are suffering the dog's loss as well plus any guilt you may feel on your own. And turning your daughter against you is not right. 

Also... as for your dog, heat stroke in your own home? That is pretty awful and almost seems impossible (like perhaps there was an underlying issue?) Or your dog was really susceptible to heat? I know you were responsible but whatever your part you don't deserve to be treated how you are. You are a person who deserves some kindness and you should allow yourself to grieve. That said, please do not harm yourself. Your family needs help, I wonder if you can all seek counseling? Or if not with them - by yourself. 

[KayC]

I am having a hard time making it all the way through your post, I feel so much...that anyone could react and respond the way your wife is is inconceivable to me!  First of all, it is abuse.  And I hope you take that and run, do not walk, to the nearest marriage counselor, with or without your wife.  Preferably with, but if she won't go, go by yourself.  In a court of law it would be considered abuse and trying to harm a child's relationship with the other parent, it would not be tolerated or looked upon well.  And if it came down to a divorce, I would file for custody based upon that.  I'm sorry, this is not acceptable, not now, not ever.  That you have humongous problems in your marriage is evident.  That said, of course you are not responsible for the death of your pug!  Pugs are known to have issues breathing, they have such short snouts, my friend had pugs, they were always breathing labored, and in this heat wave we are having, I can imagine how much harder it is.  Heat stroke.  Not the ice cream.  Heat stroke.  You had A/C in the bedroom, I'm not sure why your dog didn't go in there, but perhaps being an animal it didn't correlate the heat with it's breathing issues.  It's very unfortunate, but no you did not cause it.  I am so sorry your wife is blaming it on you.  Even if you had done something really stupid that caused the animal's death, a spouse should never attack your being and especially in front of or to your child!

Before you consider doing anything to yourself, realize that your daughter will likely figure things out someday...it may be when she's grown, when she has a relationship of her own or children of her own, but she will see the example her mother laid out for her, her example of how a relationship should be, and realize it is wanting.  She will realize the treatment you received was unfair.  I urge you to stand up for yourself and not accept this treatment from your wife.  I would go so far as to say, demand that she stop this immediately!  She is not only doing harm to you, to your marriage, but to your daughter.  She's giving your daughter the illicit idea that it's okay to treat one's husband this way.  

I know that within a marriage there are times people don't see eye to eye.  There are times one or both of you aren't behaving at your best.  But this is wrong.  On every level!

Is there somewhere you can get away, alone, to grieve, to think?  It's hard to think straight when you are being abused.  A respite from the attacks, the verbal onslaught.  Do you have family or friends nearby?  I am just so sorry!  Please believe what I say, you are not responsible for your pug's death!  When I have been in horrible straits in my life, I remember waking up, looking in the mirror, and telling myself, "It won't be like this forever."  Try that, it helps.  You may not know the answer right now, but it will come.  The answer is not doing yourself in.  Your daughter may not realize it just yet but she does need her dad.