Lost my love, soul mate, husband and best freind

[natashasinha]

Hi,

I lost my love Gautam on the 28th of May a few weeks ago. We met each other at School and he asked me to marry me the first day he saw me- he said he "recognised" me. Though i was very attracted to him - something kept me away. He was very tall( 6 ft 5 inch) and handsome guy. Now i know what kept me away. I must have sensed this event. Finally i couldnt keep away and fell hopelessly in love with him. He had already been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis by age 23. I fell in love with him when he was 24 years old. We dated and lived together for about 4 years and married when he was 28 and i was 29.

We have two beautiful children - our daughter age 11 and son age 6. We had a blessed life. We didnt need anyone else. We were enough.

And then he was taken away- i dont even know what happened that morning - I know when he went though coz though i was a few hrs flight away from home--peace descended upon me at that time and i heard him say right there with me far away in spirit - "babes i gotta go -- this one i cant stop.Its irretrievable". I was away and was to to return the same day he passed away. Some sort of a stroke or respiratory issue cum siezure leading to a cardiac arrest. He was full of life, vitality , energy and life. His MS had affected his mobility substantially but he had a healthy diet and worked out daily with a trainer.

He had years to go before MS took him- he was in the secondary progressive stage for the past 7 years. 

I am simply put just heart broken. I can cope with the kids and the money coz i was the primary bread winner at home. But while i looked after all our financial needs and any physical activities with the kids, but he looked after me. I had absolute unconditional love and understanding such that i have never recieved from anyone. He was and is my universe. He had the most charming smile and hugged everyone like a tree or in a bear hug. I dont want to live -- i have to coz of my lovely kids. The joy in my life has gone. My best freind and companion and soul mate has gone. I knew him for 30 years --out of which 22 were intimate and 18 we were married for. The shock and suddenness of his departure -- he went in like about 30 minutes from start to finish --possibly lesser. 

I get signs daily from him and have a very very strong presence of him always near me....

I have been reading posts here and they truly help ie sharing my grief with all of you who are in the same boat. Right now now - have no clue how to cope and continue especially keeping in mind our kids. 

I am looking for anything from anyone to help me move - not been able to get back to work even now though. Not functional- just managing the kids. Please help dear god....

 

Have read so many heart rending lives here ---its so sad and also feels so supportive to be here though....thank you ....

 

Natasha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Michelle boyd]

It breaks my heart to read your post .. my husband only passed 6 days ago and I feel like my whole life has been taken from me .. tomorrow will be the 1 week anniversary silly I know .. but I lay awake now dreading the morning scared to sleep .. I too have two small kids 4 and 5 ... I am to afraid to return home and am now homeless at my sisters .. it’s cruel when anyone loses a loved one but u sound like me someone who was devoted so on love ...I hope to god we both find strength x

[KayC]

Natasha,

You are young...so were we, my husband just turned 51 when he died.  We were in our 40s when we met and married.  He was my soul mate, still is, it's been 13 years he's been gone.  Like you, when he died, I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  I didn't know how to do it.  I'm good at making decisions, budgeting, etc.  We were a team...like your husband, my husband took care of ME.  I needed him.  But I've learned that the love we shared, the living we did while he was alive, it sustains me still.  I may be alone, and now growing old alone, but his love is still with me.  I look up on the wall at his picture, this handsome man...he was mine!  That twinkle in his eyes, was for ME!

I wrote this based on what helped me in my earlier years, I hope even one of these tips is of help to you.  The one that probably helped me the most was taking a day at a time...trying not to think about "the rest of my life", it's too much.  Also, embracing the good that still is, call it joy or good or whatever, whatever is good...it may be small, it's not too small to count, learning to look for it, that helps.  Your children will be great incentive.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Michelle boyd said:

It breaks my heart to read your post .. my husband only passed 6 days ago and I feel like my whole life has been taken from me .. tomorrow will be the 1 week anniversary silly I know .. but I lay awake now dreading the morning scared to sleep .. I too have two small kids 4 and 5 ... I am to afraid to return home and am now homeless at my sisters .. it’s cruel when anyone loses a loved one but u sound like me someone who was devoted so on love ...I hope to god we both find strength x

Michelle,

We'll be here for you too.  You are so fresh into this, your feelings must surely be all over the place, fear heightened, anxiety at its greatest...at least mine was.  It's a jolt to the brain, not unlike brain trauma, a shock to your system.  You will find strength.  You can't see it right now, but hold on, it's coming, you will find it.  It will come to you in waves, in between the fear.  And eventually the fear will lessen and the strength will bolden.  I'm glad you have your sister and your kids.

[Michelle boyd]

Thank u so much I keep checking here it’s nice feels comforting ... this is the place where people truly understand the pain and the longing . Family and friends are trying to help but they don’t understand really .. the funeral is not for two weeks which is painful .. as there is an inquest into the hospital care .. just more pin and suffering .. then I have to decide if I go back to the village we lived in .. quiet honesty I wish I could move to the other side of the world . Xxxx ps if one more person tells me I’m young and will meet someone else ..... I had my soul mate I believe u get one and he was taken from me 

[Michelle boyd]

Kayc.... what a wonderful person u are ... 

[natashasinha]

19 hours ago, Michelle boyd said:

It breaks my heart to read your post .. my husband only passed 6 days ago and I feel like my whole life has been taken from me .. tomorrow will be the 1 week anniversary silly I know .. but I lay awake now dreading the morning scared to sleep .. I too have two small kids 4 and 5 ... I am to afraid to return home and am now homeless at my sisters .. it’s cruel when anyone loses a loved one but u sound like me someone who was devoted so on love ...I hope to god we both find strength x

Michelle,

I know where you are at this point- its a phase of utmost shock and numbness- i can tell you one thing as i am a few weeks ahead of you- there will be some moments of relief you will feel. Michelle i am so so so sorry about your loss.

Also just just just focus on the kids and their routine- keep breathing and work on them only. Once they smile and keep going you will feel better. Remember he is in them.

Also look out  for his presence - he is near you to help you and guide you and still be your love for as long as you need him. 

He is happy Michelle. Remember that the most.

 

Lots of care and hugs and love

There for you

Best wishes

Natasha

 

 

 

 

 

[natashasinha]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Natasha,

You are young...so were we, my husband just turned 51 when he died.  We were in our 40s when we met and married.  He was my soul mate, still is, it's been 13 years he's been gone.  Like you, when he died, I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  I didn't know how to do it.  I'm good at making decisions, budgeting, etc.  We were a team...like your husband, my husband took care of ME.  I needed him.  But I've learned that the love we shared, the living we did while he was alive, it sustains me still.  I may be alone, and now growing old alone, but his love is still with me.  I look up on the wall at his picture, this handsome man...he was mine!  That twinkle in his eyes, was for ME!

I wrote this based on what helped me in my earlier years, I hope even one of these tips is of help to you.  The one that probably helped me the most was taking a day at a time...trying not to think about "the rest of my life", it's too much.  Also, embracing the good that still is, call it joy or good or whatever, whatever is good...it may be small, it's not too small to count, learning to look for it, that helps.  Your children will be great incentive.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

Dear Kay C,

Thank you so much.

I have read your tips earlier as well ie while i was scrolling to find the right group.

They are extremely helpful and come from personal your experience of grief and pain. Thank you for sharing it with me. I intend using it to help me. Thank you being there for me/us.

 

lots of hugs and care and much love

Best wishes

Natasha

 

[Michelle boyd]

Thank u so much for that message ... I never believed in life after death and now I am desperate for a sign that there is something . I’ve spoke to him out loud he does not reply.. I’ve even started desperately looking online for mediums and all sorts .. I sleep with his jumper I can smell him but can’t feel him like u said .. I wonder if it’s because we have not had the funeral yet .. I’m just desperate for anything .. I want to tell him that I tried to help him . And ask him why he had to drink that last bottle ... he would go months without a drink then bang out of the blue he would wake up one morning and drink day and night vodka straight .. I begged the hospital when he was admitted the week he died to keep him in .. I told them his mental state of mind was not right. They just treated him like a drunk on a Saturday night and turfed him out a few hours later ... for him to go straight back to it and be found not breathing .... he was obviously very poorly I wish I had done more ....

[natashasinha]

1 minute ago, Michelle boyd said:

Thank u so much for that message ... I never believed in life after death and now I am desperate for a sign that there is something . I’ve spoke to him out loud he does not reply.. I’ve even started desperately looking online for mediums and all sorts .. I sleep with his jumper I can smell him but can’t feel him like u said .. I wonder if it’s because we have not had the funeral yet .. I’m just desperate for anything .. I want to tell him that I tried to help him . And ask him why he had to drink that last bottle ... he would go months without a drink then bang out of the blue he would wake up one morning and drink day and night vodka straight .. I begged the hospital when he was admitted the week he died to keep him in .. I told them his mental state of mind was not right. They just treated him like a drunk on a Saturday night and turfed him out a few hours later ... for him to go straight back to it and be found not breathing .... he was obviously very poorly I wish I had done more ....

I have gotten very very strong signs. I am a Hindu and thus conditioned to believe in life after death.Actually i dont know about life after death though i do believe in it but honestly do not know what happens post death. But experientially i can now tell you that YES the presence is there- The signs are so strong and so so many - So pls silently pray to God and to his soul - you will get answers is what i feel. Ask your questions- have a conversation - you will get something.

You have done all you could have for your husband- Pls dont think otherwise - you re also looking after 2 young kids. You needed help as well- DONT blame yourself at at at all.

Natasha

 

 

[KayC]

Michelle,

I remember crying when I couldn't smell him on the blankets, clothes, anymore.  But I remember his smell...I will never forget his smell, nor the feeling I had when he held me.  When I need that hug, I close my eyes and remember...

I definitely believe in life continuing after the body gives out.  We are energy and it doesn't die, it changes form.  We may all have different beliefs/opinions about what that looks like coming from different backgrounds, but the important thing is to keep your mind open to it.  To those who think life ends and that's it, I tell them to look at videos of the starts, the universes, it helps to see how we're a part of something so much bigger, it's actually very mind/soul expanding.

19 hours ago, Michelle boyd said:

if one more person tells me I’m young and will meet someone else

Very inappropriate for someone to say to you!!!  I know they mean to comfort you, but so wrong on every level!  The appropriate thing for them to do is to acknowledge your loss, your grief.  Period.  It seems the more people open their mouths the worse it gets!  They don't mean to, but if they haven't been through it, they don't know...our culture hasn't done a very good job of teaching people how to handle grief/loss.  It's part of the natural cycle of life, but it couldn't feel more unnatural to us!  Especially when we don't expect it or when the person we lose is young.  We expect people should live to a ripe old age, and when that doesn't happen, we feel gypped.  But I can also tell you that no matter how long we get, we feel it's not enough.

Natasha,

I miss my husband each and every day of my life, my love is even stronger if possible!  I think about him all the time, even though it's been so many years...

And I talk to him.  I think thoughts towards him.  Everyone I know that has lost their spouse/partner does this, I think it's natural for us to want to connect.

[natashasinha]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Michelle,

I remember crying when I couldn't smell him on the blankets, clothes, anymore.  But I remember his smell...I will never forget his smell, nor the feeling I had when he held me.  When I need that hug, I close my eyes and remember...

I definitely believe in life continuing after the body gives out.  We are energy and it doesn't die, it changes form.  We may all have different beliefs/opinions about what that looks like coming from different backgrounds, but the important thing is to keep your mind open to it.  To those who think life ends and that's it, I tell them to look at videos of the starts, the universes, it helps to see how we're a part of something so much bigger, it's actually very mind/soul expanding.

Very inappropriate for someone to say to you!!!  I know they mean to comfort you, but so wrong on every level!  The appropriate thing for them to do is to acknowledge your loss, your grief.  Period.  It seems the more people open their mouths the worse it gets!  They don't mean to, but if they haven't been through it, they don't know...our culture hasn't done a very good job of teaching people how to handle grief/loss.  It's part of the natural cycle of life, but it couldn't feel more unnatural to us!  Especially when we don't expect it or when the person we lose is young.  We expect people should live to a ripe old age, and when that doesn't happen, we feel gypped.  But I can also tell you that no matter how long we get, we feel it's not enough.

Natasha,

I miss my husband each and every day of my life, my love is even stronger if possible!  I think about him all the time, even though it's been so many years...

And I talk to him.  I think thoughts towards him.  Everyone I know that has lost their spouse/partner does this, I think it's natural for us to want to connect.

Yes Kay C i do talk to him a lot.

Thats what im - well worried about -  i  know i ll never stop missing him but will i always have such a heavy heart and such such deep feelings of loss always??

[KayC]

It changes, it really does, we do get used to it, hard to believe as it seems.  We learn to function, to carry on what we need to do in life.  We do still miss them and love them, we think about them all the time, but less pain, more like a coexisting sadness/grief feeling we carry inside.  But it's more tolerable than the pain you're in right now.  You do learn to live with it, it's our constant companion.  You will find brief moments of happiness, you will smile, you will laugh, you will find things to enjoy about life  if you look for them and embrace them when they come!   Much does depend on the grief work we put in, our attitudes, some people stay stuck because they do not want to progress, thinking mistakenly that their grief binds them to them.  But it's not our grief that binds us, it's our love, and that does continue.  The grief is there whether we want it or not.

It's okay to talk to them.  We all do it.  The only ones that don't understand are those who have not been through it, and they can't possibly know what this is like.

I have a full life, just not the life I did have, not even close, but it's livable.  I'm lacking the intimacy we shared, having that person that truly cared about me, the person that was there for me all the time, but I have friends, activities, it's not the same, but I'm doing it.  It's really important not to compare, that IS self-defeating, it's important to embrace what good there is in our life today.  In the beginning I was grasping at straws looking for something good in my day, a driver letting me merge in traffic counted!  Today it's a friend who is coming to look at my leaking washing machine, it's another friend calling me.  It's having my dog to hold and walk and enjoy his funny antics.  It's looking outside at the beauty of my surroundings.  It's knowing God is holding me through everything.

[natashasinha]

On 7/24/2018 at 10:06 PM, KayC said:

It changes, it really does, we do get used to it, hard to believe as it seems.  We learn to function, to carry on what we need to do in life.  We do still miss them and love them, we think about them all the time, but less pain, more like a coexisting sadness/grief feeling we carry inside.  But it's more tolerable than the pain you're in right now.  You do learn to live with it, it's our constant companion.  You will find brief moments of happiness, you will smile, you will laugh, you will find things to enjoy about life  if you look for them and embrace them when they come!   Much does depend on the grief work we put in, our attitudes, some people stay stuck because they do not want to progress, thinking mistakenly that their grief binds them to them.  But it's not our grief that binds us, it's our love, and that does continue.  The grief is there whether we want it or not.

It's okay to talk to them.  We all do it.  The only ones that don't understand are those who have not been through it, and they can't possibly know what this is like.

I have a full life, just not the life I did have, not even close, but it's livable.  I'm lacking the intimacy we shared, having that person that truly cared about me, the person that was there for me all the time, but I have friends, activities, it's not the same, but I'm doing it.  It's really important not to compare, that IS self-defeating, it's important to embrace what good there is in our life today.  In the beginning I was grasping at straws looking for something good in my day, a driver letting me merge in traffic counted!  Today it's a friend who is coming to look at my leaking washing machine, it's another friend calling me.  It's having my dog to hold and walk and enjoy his funny antics.  It's looking outside at the beauty of my surroundings.  It's knowing God is holding me through everything.

Right now KayC i hold onto to what you are saying- that at some point life will seem livable again.

Not been able to go back to work. Its been 2 months now. I just done seem to care. My kids are young but have tried to keep the environment cheerful. I have 2 dogs as well and that helps too- just want some purpose- some meaninig....

The kids are starting school on Monday- i guess some routine will kick in then.

Its just just just so hard. I admire and respect you for how you ve done and hope to get inspired and am drawing strength from it.

Thank you KayC.

[KayC]

Maybe when the kids go back to school you'll feel more able to go back to work.  I can't imagine being home all day after losing my husband, in early grief, that'd be so hard, work at least killed some hours and got me out around people.  It was coming home that was so hard.  Home was a reminder of all I'd lost, of his absence.  Look as I might, he wasn't there.