Not doing the best

[LeannC45]

Having one of those days when everything feels doomed. It is so hard because I don't relate to being a widow. I am forced to find my way without my husband and I don't have a clue how to do it. Occasionally I will have a good day and think "okay I am feeling strong" but even on those good days I don't know what I am supposed to do. Go to work, go to the gym, go home. Occasionally have lunch with a friend or chat on the phone. I use to be a wife, I use to be raising kids I use to have a purpose. My previous life was full and busy, chaotic, noisy, funny, full of love, life issues ups, downs and all arounds. I knew how to live that life and this new one I have been forced into is unfamiliar, scary and uninvited. Don't get me wrong I am thankful to be alive and I know life is a gift it's just so hard to accept that my beautiful husband is gone. My husband I will love you and miss you FOREVER my sweet. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.......

[Nely]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

I use to be a wife, I use to be raising kids I use to have a purpose. My previous life was full and busy, chaotic, noisy, funny, full of love, life issues ups, downs and all arounds. I knew how to live that life and this new one I have been forced into is unfamiliar, scary and uninvited.

I completely relate to that. That life with my precious, special breed of a lover, friend, confidant ,husband was my life, the one I KNEW WELL HOW TO LIVE AND ENJOYED. This new life is one that I have to learn and I can say it's not easy. I don't even know where to start because I am not suppose to be here alone, at least not yet. We just started out lives together, only been married  2years and 11 months. HE "is"A PERFECT GENTLE MAN who would go all out for anyone. He loved me effortlessly and to a fault. Oh dear....

I wouldn't have been able to be  on my feet but for our son. I call him " my life support". He's the one who gave me a reason to carry on.

It's hard...

 

[LeannC45]

22 minutes ago, Nely said:

I completely relate to that. That life with my precious, special breed of a lover, friend, confidant ,husband was my life, the one I KNEW WELL HOW TO LIVE AND ENJOYED. This new life is one that I have to learn and I can say it's not easy. I don't even know where to start because I am not suppose to be here alone, at least not yet. We just started out lives together, only been married  2years and 11 months. HE "is"A PERFECT GENTLE MAN who would go all out for anyone. He loved me effortlessly and to a fault. Oh dear....

I wouldn't have been able to be  on my feet but for our son. I call him " my life support". He's the one who gave me a reason to carry on.

It's hard...

 

Yes, it is truly excruciating most of the time. When this first happened I told my son that I feel like my life was stolen and he said, "Mom you still have your life". My husband was my son's life since he was 7 and now he is 25. He is carrying his own struggle with how to deal with my husband not being with us. He has worried me sick drinking too much and not taking care of himself. This last week he has been sober and is meditating and exercising. All I have done is pray that my husband's daughter and my son find a way to move forward. If it weren't for my son I don't know that I would fight as hard as I am to heal. I want to show him how to grieve for someone in a healthy way. Sometimes that is balling all day, sometimes it is locking myself in the house, sometimes it is buying and eating a whole cake, "that one made me physically sick",  but at the same time I am not giving up and underneath my struggle I hope he sees strength.

[Nely]

@LeannC45I'm sorry about you having to struggle with keeping your son in good condition admist such terrible thing as grief. I can only imagine. My Son is only 2years. He asks for his father often and even sees him sometimes (he communicates with him as though he were there physically in our house). Given his age, he most often returns to his playful self. He is hyperactive and most times desires I play with him as I  used to. I oblige him as much as my strength can carry me. At other times, the pain I try to suppress to play with him overwhelms me and I scream at him for things that I ordinarily shouldn't. I try to keep this in check so I don't begin to affect him negatively.

With this, I can imagine what it is like dealing with an adult child who is having to go through this in an unhealthy manner. It must be hard for you. But like you rightly said...

47 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

at the same time I am not giving up and underneath my struggle I hope he sees strength

Please don't give up. Hold in there. Wishing you strength on this devastating and heart ripping journey.

[LeannC45]

43 minutes ago, Nely said:

@LeannC45I'm sorry about you having to struggle with keeping your son in good condition admist such terrible thing as grief. I can only imagine. My Son is only 2years. He asks for his father often and even sees him sometimes (he communicates with him as though he were there physically in our house). Given his age, he most often returns to his playful self. He is hyperactive and most times desires I play with him as I  used to. I oblige him as much as my strength can carry me. At other times, the pain I try to suppress to play with him overwhelms me and I scream at him for things that I ordinarily shouldn't. I try to keep this in check so I don't begin to affect him negatively.

With this, I can imagine what it is like dealing with an adult child who is having to go through this in an unhealthy manner. It must be hard for you. But like you rightly said...

Please don't give up. Hold in there. Wishing you strength on this devastating and heart ripping journey.

Same to you. ;o) We have to find a way for ourselves and our kids. Thank you.

[Tamimi]

I feel like I could've written exactly the same thing.  I enjoyed my life.  My husband and I had fun together and laughed a lot.  How can it be over? I just can't wrap my head around it a lot of the time.  I was in Target the other day and I wandered aimlessly wondering what's the use, what's my purpose.  I got in my car and cried.  Five months into this I do have an occasional OK day, but mostly I'm just sad.

[KayC]

Wow.  Even at 13 years out I can relate to what you are all saying.  My husband was my reason for living, my purpose.  He was the center of my universe.  Learning to do this time without him has been very different, something new to learn to do.  I didn't have a clue how to do it in the beginning.  Making your way through this takes so long to learn but we have no choice, not to give up, to keep on.  

[Sunflower2]

@LeannC45those excruciating grief waves.  Moving through the paralyzing waves while the world continues to move.  We are dealing with grief, raising children and doing everything that is so foreign to us. Somehow we get through this even when it feels like we are ready to collapse. We feel strong and than weak.  It is the unpredictable mood swings.  I'm finding being hit with simple decisions yet big decisions in some ways takes its toll and you feel a set back. Concerns re: a child are of magnitude proportions.  I'm finding that moving into 10 months of losing my partner and being hit with the loss of my mom just a month ago has magnified the grief, the losses, my direction etc. I thought the 2nd loss would be easier since the first was of such magnitude. I'm finding that isn't the case but we keep moving.  Also noticed that what helped moved me forward with my initial loss isn't working with this loss. Not a surprise so now I'm starting over digging to find new ways to move this. Be kind to yourself!  Last night this was shared in my grief yoga class.  we all understand but reminders help.  GRIEF   G give gratitude  R give rest  I remember to inhale  E remember to exhale   F friendship

this as we all know is a hard hard hard journey with so many raw emotions. Keep up the rituals. Keep up the routines. Give yourself pemission when you need to simply bow out. 

A realization that hit this morning...I'm taking out the trash and I'm thinking  "boy the neighbors think I'm doing great. She's moving. She's taking out the trash."  prior to that I experienced the most horrible feeling that I'm just  going to collapse.  I crawled back into bed just to get my energy in a place where I could move. from there I re did my focus, I re-wrote my list and added to it only what I absolutely had to do to keep up with today with adulting responsibilities. That list included only two things!   I realized no options here but to move through those two things and anything else I could do was a blessing! One is the finalizing a new car purchase which is like in another time not a major thing,  This week it was over the top.  I told myself I made the best decision I could at this time.  The waves come.  They sneak up....and we do our best to flow through them.

 

Peace and Light,,,,,,,.xo

[LeannC45]

18 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

@LeannC45those excruciating grief waves.  Moving through the paralyzing waves while the world continues to move.  We are dealing with grief, raising children and doing everything that is so foreign to us. Somehow we get through this even when it feels like we are ready to collapse. We feel strong and than weak.  It is the unpredictable mood swings.  I'm finding being hit with simple decisions yet big decisions in some ways takes its toll and you feel a set back. Concerns re: a child are of magnitude proportions.  I'm finding that moving into 10 months of losing my partner and being hit with the loss of my mom just a month ago has magnified the grief, the losses, my direction etc. I thought the 2nd loss would be easier since the first was of such magnitude. I'm finding that isn't the case but we keep moving.  Also noticed that what helped moved me forward with my initial loss isn't working with this loss. Not a surprise so now I'm starting over digging to find new ways to move this. Be kind to yourself!  Last night this was shared in my grief yoga class.  we all understand but reminders help.  GRIEF   G give gratitude  R give rest  I remember to inhale  E remember to exhale   F friendship

this as we all know is a hard hard hard journey with so many raw emotions. Keep up the rituals. Keep up the routines. Give yourself pemission when you need to simply bow out. 

A realization that hit this morning...I'm taking out the trash and I'm thinking  "boy the neighbors think I'm doing great. She's moving. She's taking out the trash."  prior to that I experienced the most horrible feeling that I'm just  going to collapse.  I crawled back into bed just to get my energy in a place where I could move. from there I re did my focus, I re-wrote my list and added to it only what I absolutely had to do to keep up with today with adulting responsibilities. That list included only two things!   I realized no options here but to move through those two things and anything else I could do was a blessing! One is the finalizing a new car purchase which is like in another time not a major thing,  This week it was over the top.  I told myself I made the best decision I could at this time.  The waves come.  They sneak up....and we do our best to flow through them.

 

Peace and Light,,,,,,,.xo

Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry that you have to experience losing another loved one. I do have a genuine fear of losing someone else, which is why my son's unhealthy habits were causing me to feel like I wasn't going to make it either. I have found that I have lost some friends during this experience to my surprise. It is like your entire life is reshuffled and nothing feels familiar anymore. I like the GRIEF reminders you listed because it helps you to slow down and remember to just do the basics if that is all you can handle. I went to the DMV the other day and had a panic attack on my way there. I pushed through and handled my business but it was not lost on me how easily my day can be thrown off. Not that the DMV is EVER a fun place to go but I never use to feel like having a panic attack over it. I am thankful for somewhere to turn for support with people that truly understand what this feels like. It really does help. Thank you.