Can't take my mind off the times we argued

[Nely]

It was exactly three months ago yesterday since my beloved husband and soul mate passed.

I have been so torn apart that sometimes I'm just blank. I still find it hard to believe I will never see him again. People say dwelling on thoughts of the good times we had together will ease the pain. Hard as I try, I can't even seem to dwell on the good times. If those times ever comes to mind, the thoughts are transient and in a flash. My mind dwells heavily on all those times we argued, those moments I feel I hurt him, those times we disagreed and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I just can't take those moments out of my mind.

My husband "is" the kindest, loveliest, most humane person I have ever come across. He died suddenly (slumped at work). I never had a chance to be with him at those last seconds of his life. We were married just 2years and 11months.

I try to live because of the son we have. But my strength keep failing me. So much is being expected of me already from family and friends. They feel I should be okay by now. But how can that be?

 

Who else feels this way? Please help...

[LeannC45]

12 minutes ago, Nely said:

It was exactly three months ago yesterday since my beloved husband and soul mate passed.

I have been so torn apart that sometimes I'm just blank. I still find it hard to believe I will never see him again. People say dwelling on thoughts of the good times we had together will ease the pain. Hard as I try, I can't even seem to dwell on the good times. If those times ever comes to mind, the thoughts are transient and in a flash. My mind dwells heavily on all those times we argued, those moments I feel I hurt him, those times we disagreed and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I just can't take those moments out of my mind.

My husband "is" the kindest, loveliest, most humane person I have ever come across. He died suddenly (slumped at work). I never had a chance to be with him at those last seconds of his life. We were married just 2years and 11months.

I try to live because of the son we have. But my strength keep failing me. So much is being expected of me already from family and friends. They feel I should be okay by now. But how can that be?

 

Who else feels this way? Please help...

I am sorry for your loss. I am at 6 months without my husband and I completely relate to dwelling on every negative conversation we had and all the things I wish I would have said or done. It is important to pull yourself out of those thought cycles because it  can send you to a dark place that is sometimes hard to get out of. I am trying to focus on everything good that I gained from knowing my husband. I want to be more like my husband in some ways. He was such a lighthearted person that had a ton of friends. I on the other hand am a very serious person and I have always found it hard to make friends easily. I guess what I am trying to say is it all takes time before you will be okay and it can't be when your friends/family think you need to be okay. It just doesn't work that way. Be patient with yourself and do all that you can to heal one day at a time. I am in therapy and it is helping me understand all of my emotions. If you are open to it you might want to find a good therapist. I wish you strength on your journey. 

[Nely]

Dear Leann, thank you so much for your response and kind words. I'm really sorry for your loss. 

2 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am trying to focus on everything good that I gained from knowing my husband. I want to be more like my husband in some ways. He was such a lighthearted person that had a ton of friends.

I think I want to do this too, focus on all those good attributes he possessed. He was indeed a good man with the right attitude for every occasion. I paid more attention to issues and gave them deeper meanings even when it wasn't necessary.

 

2 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Be patient with yourself and do all that you can to heal one day at a time.

I'd learn to be patient with myself. Thank you Leann. You don't know how much your response has helped me. I guess I'd come here more often.

 

Hope you making progress on your journey. I wish we didn't all have to be here.

[Spengler]

I think I understand, Nely. I remember the times I yelled at her, though thankfully that was only a handful of times over our 30 years together. And I especially bitterly regret the times I denied her emotional comfort because I was angry at her. I still remember the stricken look on her face, and this was almost 20 years ago, when I refused to take her in my arms. Her pain and anguish had to go somewhere, and I believe it contributed to her severe heart problems that occurred only months later. I still blame myself.

 

It's hard, hard, and I think all of us believe we could have done better. But, we're only human. Still, it's so hard to forgive ourselves.

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Nely said:

Dear Leann, thank you so much for your response and kind words. I'm really sorry for your loss. 

I think I want to do this too, focus on all those good attributes he possessed. He was indeed a good man with the right attitude for every occasion. I paid more attention to issues and gave them deeper meanings even when it wasn't necessary.

 

I'd learn to be patient with myself. Thank you Leann. You don't know how much your response has helped me. I guess I'd come here more often.

 

Hope you making progress on your journey. I wish we didn't all have to be here.

Awe, you are so welcome. It makes me want to cry knowing that something I can share about the worst time in my life can help someone going through the same thing. I am so thankful for this site, the people here have really helped me as well. 

[Nely]

@Spengler, thank you for sharing. I feel so much guilt and I feel I should have loved him better and more, at least through my actions. I now question all those times I'd had cause to argue and give him the silent treatment. How I wish I knew we didn't have time...We were together for less than 3 years. Much as some of those times of misunderstanding can be rationalized, I still feel guilty. 

18 minutes ago, Spengler said:

But, we're only human. Still, it's so hard to forgive ourselves.

I can draw some strength from that, thAt we are only humans. I just wish I was super human.

Thank you for your response. It helped. Thank you.

[Nely]

21 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

. It makes me want to cry knowing that something I can share about the worst time in my life can help someone going through the same thing. I am so thankful for this site, the people here have really helped me as well. 

@LeannC45, I honestly felt better than I was after reading your response. I'm grateful. I agree that this site has helped me in more ways than one.

Thank you for bothering to help. I pray for strength for us all.

[Shala45]

6 hours ago, Nely said:

@Spengler, thank you for sharing. I feel so much guilt and I feel I should have loved him better and more, at least through my actions. I now question all those times I'd had cause to argue and give him the silent treatment. How I wish I knew we didn't have time...We were together for less than 3 years. Much as some of those times of misunderstanding can be rationalized, I still feel guilty. 

I feel the same way, I feel I should have loved him so much better and so much more, when I was crabby, why was I silent?   I feel I took him and everything he did for us so much for granted.  We were married 25 years, and my Aunt reminds me that when you are married this long, Its natural for couples to take each other for granted.  I still feel guilty, if I had any idea we had such a short time left how I would have tried to make every moment so wonderful and loving. Mind you, we rarely if ever fought and had a great marriage and life together, I just seem to be dwellng on every “not great” moment, typical stressful kid related or work stuff. I try to remember the good times, but all I remember is the past five months of him being so ill, hard to remember great healthy loving times.

[Nely]

@Shala45 I'm sorry you have to feel that way too. It's such a terrible feeling. Sometimes I just go blank and can't process anything. I feel I let him down and I feel so terrible that there WILL NEVER BE A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BY LOVING HIM BETTER. 

16 hours ago, Spengler said:

It's hard, hard, and I think all of us believe we could have done better

Like Spengler rightly said, it's hard , very hard. So sad that we have to live with this feeling and guilt.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Nely said:

They feel I should be okay by now. But how can that be?

They're expecting the unreasonable and impossible from you!  Grief is a lifelong journey, it has no expiration date, it evolves, we learn, we adjust, we grow, but always we carry it with us as we go.  We learn to live with it.  It will not stay in the same painful state as it is right now for you, but a kind of a sadness will be a part of your heart even as you learn to function and enjoy bits of life as you continue.

This is their faulty expectation of you, their pipedream, their wishfulness, because they do not like seeing you unhappy, but it's their fiction and not your reality.  You can confront them with this incongruity, or you can ignore it, but it's not possible or realistic for you to put on a happy face for them.  Ask them if they want a mask or the real you.

[Nely]

@KayC, your words are deep and so true. 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

but it's their fiction and not your reality

They will not understand because aside my dad, none of them have been through what I'm going through. It's a very painful and sad reality, to say the least.

Thank you so much for the apt response. Thank you for being there. 

[Shala45]

15 hours ago, Nely said:

. I feel I let him down and I feel so terrible that there WILL NEVER BE A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BY LOVING

I feel exactly the same way.  It hurts so incredibly so.  Reading everyone’s comments is helping me feel so not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Thank you all for sharing, it is so helpful to know I am not the only one who feels this way.  I cannot share these thoughts with my friends or family.   Sometimes I just feel like I was a bad wife and person when I think about the not great times, when I was crabby or impatient.  He was always full of joy and fun and I was the serious one.  I often wonder did I love him enough? His life was too short, he deserved better.  I loved him more than anyone else, but was it enough?  He deserved more and better, what if it wasn’t enough?  As you said we don’t have that second chance to make it right, better. The guilt/regret gets to be overwhelming, how can I live with that? What do I do with those thoughts?

[JUJUNEWS]

Thanks for sharing.  I haven't lost my husband yet but as his condition is terminal loosing him is inevitable.  Reading your post and all the responses has reminded me that I have time to tell him how I love him and how much I will miss him when he's gone.  I also feel shame for the way I have mishandled some of my emotions since the nightmare began when we learned of his condition on April 2 of this year.  I have tried to be strong and supportive but it gets so overwhelming that sometimes I just want to get lost in the darkness of sleep and oblivion.  That is not fair to him and I feel guilt about that.   I'm sorry for your loss is something I know you have heard a million times and you probably smile sweetly and say thank you while thinking to yourself "I wish I could stop hearing that!  No one understands!"  I know, I get so tired of hearing people say "bless your heart, I'll pray for you, I'm here if you need me" and all the other words of sentiment that people say while trying to relay comfort.  I too sweetly smile and say thank you while I'm thinking 'if you want to truly help how about cooking a meal, helping me clean the house, do some laundry, take him to just one appointment so I can sleep, etc...  Anyway, thank you again for sharing it truly has helped me processing all these emotions and feelings.  

[Nely]

4 hours ago, Shala45 said:

I feel exactly the same way.  It hurts so incredibly so.  Reading everyone’s comments is helping me feel so not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Thank you all for sharing, it is so helpful to know I am not the only one who feels this way.  I cannot share these thoughts with my friends or family.   Sometimes I just feel like I was a bad wife and person when I think about the not great times, when I was crabby or impatient.  He was always full of joy and fun and I was the serious one.  I often wonder did I love him enough? His life was too short, he deserved better.  I loved him more than anyone else, but was it enough?  He deserved more and better, what if it wasn’t enough?  As you said we don’t have that second chance to make it right, better. The guilt/regret gets to be overwhelming, how can I live with that? What do I do with those thoughts?

@Shala45, our feelings on this seem to be exactly the same thing. Much as I know that I did love him and every single misunderstanding was to make us better, I just feel that is not a good excuse not justification now.

 

I also feel like I was a bad wife to him too. I feel so terrible and wonder if this feeling will ever go away. It was killing me inside and I had no choice than to come here and share. Much as the feeling hasn't gone away, I feel some sort of solace hearing from you all.

[KayC]

They don't understand because they haven't been through it, BUT they can learn to be more sensitive and appropriate.  I learned to stand up for myself and call people out on things when my George died, there was no one left to stand up for me but ME.

You say you feel you were a bad wife to him.  Remember that feelings are just that, feelings.  They are not steeped in reality or facts, they don't have to make sense or be rational, they are just there to contend with.  Remind yourself of all of the good things you did for him, remind yourself of the feelings he had for you.

[Michelene]

On 7/18/2018 at 7:37 AM, Nely said:

It was exactly three months ago yesterday since my beloved husband and soul mate passed.

I have been so torn apart that sometimes I'm just blank. I still find it hard to believe I will never see him again. People say dwelling on thoughts of the good times we had together will ease the pain. Hard as I try, I can't even seem to dwell on the good times. If those times ever comes to mind, the thoughts are transient and in a flash. My mind dwells heavily on all those times we argued, those moments I feel I hurt him, those times we disagreed and it makes me feel like a terrible person. I just can't take those moments out of my mind.

My husband "is" the kindest, loveliest, most humane person I have ever come across. He died suddenly (slumped at work). I never had a chance to be with him at those last seconds of his life. We were married just 2years and 11months.

I try to live because of the son we have. But my strength keep failing me. So much is being expected of me already from family and friends. They feel I should be okay by now. But how can that be?

 

Who else feels this way? Please help...

Dear Nely,

I feel this too, but sometimes I have found pictures, and the memories take me back to that moment, and I am in them with my husband, and the other stuff, the guilt, regret, longing for another chance, drops away. I talk out loud to my husband when I think of the times I feel I hurt him, and tell him that what I wish I could do is this...or if i could go back I would say this...but sometimes I am just so full of self hate for those times, it is hard...i understand. 

You don't have to be ok. You be what you need to be. 

[Spengler]

Yes, I bitterly regret the times I yelled at my wife. It only happened on rare occasions, and mostly when she was bed-bound and I was at my wit's end. I wish I could have been kinder and more patient. I wish she were here so I could beg her for forgiveness.

 

It's getting more difficult for me to post here. It brings tears to my eyes and I don't know how to handle crying.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Spengler said:

Yes, I bitterly regret the times I yelled at my wife. It only happened on rare occasions, and mostly when she was bed-bound and I was at my wit's end. I wish I could have been kinder and more patient. I wish she were here so I could beg her for forgiveness.

 

It's getting more difficult for me to post here. It brings tears to my eyes and I don't know how to handle crying.

Just let the tears flow...they help us process our grief.  Besides, I think of them as the release valve on a pressure cooker, I'd hate to see what would happen without them.

I'm sure your wife understood, this wasn't something SHE went through, it was something THE BOTH OF YOU went through.  That you didn't handle it perfectly all of the time is understandable, we're human.  None of us are perfect.  

Maybe try writing her a letter telling her how you feel and burning it afterwards to release it to her.  It helps just to articulate your feelings and who knows, maybe they CAN read/hear us.  Many people think they can and do.  (((hugs)))

[Crabby]

Hi Nely,

I am new here and haven't posted my story yet, but I lost my husband suddenly almost 6 weeks ago. Things weren't "right" between us when he died.  We had a stupid, stupid argument about two weeks before, and we were very upset with each other.  For days we didn't talk to each other.  Eventually we warmed up, but we never resolved the issue. There were no hugs, no I love yous. Then one day I found him on the bedroom floor. I beat myself up for many weeks over this. I am in therapy, and it has helped me see, for the most part, that no marriage is perfect, people disagree and argue, but deep down you still know that you love each other. Since he died, I have had dreams that I am trying to call him or text him to tell him that I love him, and in each dream my phone is broken or falling apart.  In the last dream that I had, I was able to text "I love you."  Then I ran downstairs to see if he got the text. I asked, "Did you get my text?"  He said "I did, and I kissed the screen on my phone when I saw it." 

I still wish that we hadn't had that dumb argument, and that I hadn't been so stubborn, but I don't feel so guilty about it anymore. I kind of think that dream was him telling me to stop beating myself up.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Crabby said:

deep down you still know that you love each other.

I think that was a  visitation dream in which he was letting you know that all was okay between you.  

I'm so sorry for your loss, that another person has to go through this, but I welcome you to our site and hope you'll continue to read and post as often as you need or want to.   (((hugs)))

[HPB]

@Nely

"...Love is the greatest force for breaking down the barrier between this world and the Afterlife. Do not think of those who have passed on as ’dead’, ‘gone’, ‘lost’ or ‘far away’. This adds to the barrier between the worlds. Instead, think of them as full of life and vigor. Think of them as happy and radiant. Above all think of them with love, kindness and affection. This will help break down the barriers between you and them and allow them to help you – and you to help them – in deep and profound ways. Cultivating this type of thinking will also help build your spiritual body so that when you pass on, you will more easily adapt to the Afterlife. By such means, as guiding your thoughts towards the good, you literally build your body and your home in the next stage of your existence." 

"If you have regrets in regard to people who have passed on; unkind words you had wished you had not spoken, or kind words left unsaid, speak of them in the silence of your mind, or write them out, and know they will be heard and understood by those for whom they were intended. In this way, you can serve the purpose of Love and in this way serve your own real purpose in this life and in the next. ..."

Taken from: Afterlife Adventures, by William Fergus Martin

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, HPB said:

@Nely

"...Love is the greatest force for breaking down the barrier between this world and the Afterlife. Do not think of those who have passed on as ’dead’, ‘gone’, ‘lost’ or ‘far away’. This adds to the barrier between the worlds. Instead, think of them as full of life and vigor. Think of them as happy and radiant. Above all think of them with love, kindness and affection. This will help break down the barriers between you and them and allow them to help you – and you to help them – in deep and profound ways. Cultivating this type of thinking will also help build your spiritual body so that when you pass on, you will more easily adapt to the Afterlife. By such means, as guiding your thoughts towards the good, you literally build your body and your home in the next stage of your existence." 

"If you have regrets in regard to people who have passed on; unkind words you had wished you had not spoken, or kind words left unsaid, speak of them in the silence of your mind, or write them out, and know they will be heard and understood by those for whom they were intended. In this way, you can serve the purpose of Love and in this way serve your own real purpose in this life and in the next. ..."

Taken from: Afterlife Adventures, by William Fergus Martin

 

Thank you so much for that quote, it is beautiful and wise.  I have saved it to share with my grief support group Wednesday.

[Nely]

@Crabby, I'm really sorry for your loss. I wish the story is different for all of us and we didn't meet for a cause such as this. Thank you for your words of encouragement, quite insightful I must say.

Like you, I had an argument with my beloved husband a week before this ugly incident. We tried to talk about it but he got quite upset so we didn't talk about it anymore... I spoke about it when we were in bed but it was at night and I slept off and didn't hear it all. The following day when I asked him, he didn't talk about it so I let it passed. We "warmed up " too but unfortunately, we didn't have adequate time to get back to our usual selves as he passed 3days later. That singular incident  practically tore me apart the first few months. I will be 5 months into this journey in 8 days and it hasn't been easy. Thanks to a very good person on this forum who has helped me personally.

I have had dreams but not as vivid as I will expect given the love we shared. This makes me think that he is probably upset with me. I wish thing we different.

@HPB, I am very grateful for this very insightful and encouraging piece you shared with me particularly. I wish I can express my gratitude in a better form. I pray we all find strength, peace and understanding in this sad journey.

[HPB]

Thank you KayC and Nely for the feedback.

Today, Sunday Sep. 9th is my wedding anniversary, being physically alone, but not alone in my heart. We married 9 years ago on 09/09/2009, a date not difficult to remember. I'm sure my beloved wife knows I'm honoring her today. I miss her so much...

 

[Sunflower2]

22 hours ago, HPB said:

"...Love is the greatest force for breaking down the barrier between this world and the Afterlife. Do not think of those who have passed on as ’dead’, ‘gone’, ‘lost’ or ‘far away’. This adds to the barrier between the worlds. Instead, think of them as full of life and vigor. Think of them as happy and radiant. Above all think of them with love, kindness and affection. This will help break down the barriers between you and them and allow them to help you – and you to help them – in deep and profound ways. Cultivating this type of thinking will also help build your spiritual body so that when you pass on, you will more easily adapt to the Afterlife. By such means, as guiding your thoughts towards the good, you literally build your body and your home in the next stage of your existence." 

"If you have regrets in regard to people who have passed on; unkind words you had wished you had not spoken, or kind words left unsaid, speak of them in the silence of your mind, or write them out, and know they will be heard and understood by those for whom they were intended. In this way, you can serve the purpose of Love and in this way serve your own real purpose in this life and in the next. ..."

Taken from: Afterlife Adventures, by William Fergus Martin

trying to get there...…..there are those moments and when they happen it is beautiful, tranquil and calming but then I get hit with a grief wave....I'm struggling, 

[Nely]

@HPB happy anniversary to you. It's good not to feel alone at heart. Thursday 6th September was my husband's birthday, it was quite difficult for me. I tried to keep busy so as not to breakdown. I did well till night when I broke down. One thing I made sure though was that my son and I sang the birthday song out loud to him.

I wish you strength and peace on this special day of yours.

[Sunflower2]

41 minutes ago, Nely said:

One thing I made sure though was that my son and I sang the birthday song out loud to him.

beautiful Nely!!!!! Love these shares!!  Inspiring!

[Nely]

@Sunflower2, thank you. It's all I could do that day. Telling our son it was his Father's birthday and the need to sing to him.

Its our baby's first time being able to appreciate such special days and unfortunately, his dad isn't here to experience it.

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, HPB said:

Thank you KayC and Nely for the feedback.

Today, Sunday Sep. 9th is my wedding anniversary, being physically alone, but not alone in my heart. We married 9 years ago on 09/09/2009, a date not difficult to remember. I'm sure my beloved wife knows I'm honoring her today. I miss her so much...

 

Wow...my daughter and her husband were married 9/9/09, it made national news.  They've been together 18 years, married nine...but alas it hasn't ended well either as she's discovered he's alcoholic, and not a good one either, he told her he's done with the marriage but he wants to take her apt. as it's $500/month lower in rent than comparable places...unfortunately she can't afford any more.  Sometimes I think she'd have been better off had he died, but then I feel horrible for thinking that, but he's inflicting so much pain on her.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around how someone can change this much!  He adored her, they had such a beautiful relationship, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would go like this.  But he won't acknowledge anything or get help.

I'm sorry that a day that should be so joyous to you should be yours to go through alone.  So hard.  I know we grieve to the extent we loved and although your pain is great, I hope the memories of the warm love you shared bring you comfort and encouragement in the years to come, I know they have for me because my husband and I had the best marriage and relationship anyone could have, we were so lucky.  

To those who had an argument before they died, please know that we ALL do, and it's only the timing that makes it so hard, the love you shared was true and is still.