Pet Loss & Family Drama

[missmypal]

5 years ago, I adopted a kitten from an animal shelter and instantly fell in love. For 4 years we were inseparable...seeing her when I came home from work was the highlight of my day! I taught her tricks I thought only a dog could do, she slept beside me every night..I loved her so much.

I made the decision to go travelling for a year, and didn't feel it was fair to take kitty with me. She was left with my fiance's mother, Jane, who graciously offered to look after her in my absence. Leaving kitty behind was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. 

She was an indoor cat, and was left with Jane with the understanding this would not change. However, a few months after I had left, I received a message from Jane asking if it was alright to let kitty outside for a few minutes a day because it was spring time and the new smells were making her meow at the door. I disapproved, explaining that once an indoor cat goes outside, it's even harder to keep them inside. Jane then went directly to my fiance to ask his permission instead. I felt disrespected by this. 

Fast forward to the end of my year away, I was searching for a pet friendly home so I could take kitty back...finally! In this time, it was revealed to me that kitty was now a full time outdoor cat, despite my disapproval several months prior.

Kitty didn't come home 4 weeks ago. 

I am now left feeling absolutely heartbroken and guilty, but also with feelings of anger toward Jane. However, I feel as if I'm not 'allowed' to feel angry because of the generosity she showed in agreeing to look after kitty in the first place.

How can I deal with my feelings of guilt for leaving kitty in the first place, while addressing these unfair(?) feelings of anger toward Jane? I haven't had a good  night's sleep since kitty's absence, and this lack of sleep is really taking a toll on my health. Please help!

 

[BobIngersoll]

Be assured, many of us have or are feeling guilt over the loss of our pets.  I "should have"..."I could have"...  And those guilt feelings seem to be magnified by our sadness over the loss.

I doubt that I can offer any comfort other than, hopefully, in time, these feelings will subside.  Others here, who have lost their pet months or years ago, will be able to offer some assurance of that.  My feelings are to raw, just lost my cat a tad over two weeks ago, and I am still reeling from sadness and guilt.

Just some thoughts - have you checked with the animal shelter and SPCA in the area where your kitty went missing?  Have you considered putting up some "Lost Cat" flyers around the neighborhood with your phone number?  Just some thoughts.

[AJWCat]

What a horrible situation. I can see it from many angles however she had no right to turn your cat into an "outdoor" kitty. I can't believe she'd even risk it, she obviously does not know how dangerous it is. She should have said unless it's an outdoor cat she couldn't take care of her and you'd have had the option to find some other alternative. Now what can you do? She helped you out and yet in the end she really didn't. 

So all that said.... obviously you are going to have to forgive her. If it were me I'd have to write a letter (which would not be pretty by the way) to get it all off my chest and then burn it. Maybe at some point you can speak with her too when some time has passed? 

As far as guilt, we ALL have it even when we did nothing wrong which you did not. And finally as Bob said, maybe she did get picked up? So there is that chance. I'd definitely go online most shelters have pics of all their cats now and do flyers etc. 

I am really sorry that you are going through this.       

[KayC]

She agreed to take care of your cat and you had every right to expect she would follow your directives.  You had good reason for your rule and she should have followed it.  Now you know she cannot be trusted with a pet.  As AJW says, it's important to forgive her, but forgiveness does not mean you put another cat in her care.  Her idea to write a letter and then burn it is a good one.

I trust you've put up flyers, contacted the shelters...by this time someone may have adopted her.  Where I live they say if they've had her a month or more, she belongs to the new owners.  However, some might have a heart and return her if you can find her.

I'm so sorry, it's very hard to lose a pet and not know what became of them.