I lost my mother to suicide when I was four and i can't get over it

[Lynnkaz22]

My mother hung herself when I was four years old, and unfortunately I found her body. This resulted in me developing ptsd, and as a result I honestly don't remember my childhood at all after the suicide, until I was 11/12. As a result of the trauma, I also had some developmental problems as a kid (with social skills and motor skills, i.e. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 9). The trauma came back to me in a nightmare when I was 14, and I've been struggling with it ever since (I'm 22 now).

I have a great life, and I made it for myself. I get good grades, I have good friends, I am financially stable, I have skills and hobbies, I'm in a stable relationship. I always thought that all of these external things would help me, but they do not. I can't enjoy my life. I'm so stuck and trapped in this cycle of self loathing, and anger, and depression.

I can't take the anger out on her because she is gone, so I take it out on myself. 

I don't have any happy memories, or anything to hold on to. My memories of her are all negative (She was bipolar and very unstable, she left me in the house alone, and threatened to kill herself and me to social services). I also have her angry, spiteful suicide note where she blames everybody in the world for her suicide. What did I get? A sloppy afterthought of an "I love you" sprawled across the page. That's all I get.

I believe that I hold on to the anger because that's all I have of her. If I let go of it, my connection to her is gone. I don't want to accept that I don't have a mother, and that I never will. I'm so miserable, and I don't know what to do.

I go to group therapy for borderline personality disorder, and I've been in therapy since I was 14. I keep getting stuck at this spot. I don't know how to get over it.

I've tried burning clothing, writing letters, screaming at her, writing about her, talking to her pictures. Nothing works.

Please, I'm so sad and frustrated. What do I do? It's ruining my life.

 

[Chriscross]

Hey @Lynnkaz22 I know it's kind of tough and difficult for you, don't be sad please don't be. I know it's hard but God can heal you from all of your anger and depression. Believe in God ! Nothing is too hard for our Heavenly Father God  , Please just pray more everyday! Pray ask God to clear your mind about the negative and just remember her as a Good Mom .

[Lynnkaz22]

But she wasn't a good mom at all.

I have no positive memories of her at all.

 

[reader]

Dear Lynn,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. You've been through so much. I know you are trying to move forward the best you can.

It sounds like you have tried many different things. I sometimes think we have to make a personal choice in our mind and make peace with the past. It's not easy.

I know you've tried therapy, but maybe give it more time or consider finding a different therapist or joining a support group.

Keep talking it out and know that you are not alone.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Lynnkaz22]

Hello, I go to two support groups per week.

nothing is helping

I don't know what to do.

[soniasonia]

On 7/17/2018 at 2:54 AM, Lynnkaz22 said:

My mother hung herself when I was four years old, and unfortunately I found her body. This resulted in me developing ptsd, and as a result I honestly don't remember my childhood at all after the suicide, until I was 11/12. As a result of the trauma, I also had some developmental problems as a kid (with social skills and motor skills, i.e. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 9). The trauma came back to me in a nightmare when I was 14, and I've been struggling with it ever since (I'm 22 now).

I have a great life, and I made it for myself. I get good grades, I have good friends, I am financially stable, I have skills and hobbies, I'm in a stable relationship. I always thought that all of these external things would help me, but they do not. I can't enjoy my life. I'm so stuck and trapped in this cycle of self loathing, and anger, and depression.

I can't take the anger out on her because she is gone, so I take it out on myself. 

I don't have any happy memories, or anything to hold on to. My memories of her are all negative (She was bipolar and very unstable, she left me in the house alone, and threatened to kill herself and me to social services). I also have her angry, spiteful suicide note where she blames everybody in the world for her suicide. What did I get? A sloppy afterthought of an "I love you" sprawled across the page. That's all I get.

I believe that I hold on to the anger because that's all I have of her. If I let go of it, my connection to her is gone. I don't want to accept that I don't have a mother, and that I never will. I'm so miserable, and I don't know what to do.

I go to group therapy for borderline personality disorder, and I've been in therapy since I was 14. I keep getting stuck at this spot. I don't know how to get over it.

I've tried burning clothing, writing letters, screaming at her, writing about her, talking to her pictures. Nothing works.

Please, I'm so sad and frustrated. What do I do? It's ruining my life.

 

Hi Lynnkaz, 

I am sorry you're going through all this. Our parents are supposed to make us feel loves and keep us safe... not the opposite. 

You mention that you believe that you hold onto the anger because that's all you have left of her and if you let go, your connection with her is gone. What benefit is it to you to have this connection if it is causing you all this grief? If it isn't benefitting you, maybe it is time to let go.

I'm not a professional so my opinion doesn't count for anything and I hope you don't take offense to what I've said. I really hope the best for you and your frustration goes away.