Been lurking for a while!

[tlc]

My husband, love of my life, soul mate died in April-98 days ago. He had prostate cancer for nine years and so I guess that I should have been prepared,  but I wasn't. We were together for twenty two years, Both had difficult pasts and finding each other was a gift from the Gods.

For nine years we went through operations, radiation, numerous drugs and chemo. I was his researcher, his overseerer, I had prostate cancer too. I went with him to every appointment for nine years and was with him for every treatment. But, after nine years of hope and the next treatment, it got him. It spread to his liver and got him. In a matter of two months he was gone. Nothing, nothing even after nine years of dealing with this prepared me for this loss. He was my world, my everything. He was my best friend, my lover, my champion and my soulmate.

So, three months later...it gets harder every day, not easier. At first, I had all the legal stuff to deal with, funerals, cemetery etc.I was numb and in shock.  I also kept myself really busy downsizing, clearing, sorting stuff (but not his stuff-still got all that) it was more me decluttering my stuff so that I can go. Wills in order, got rid of things that need to go to certain people, got my Living Will done. Because should anything happen (and I hope that it does) they won't keep me alive. Because, I don't want to be here. My time is done. Nothing more to do. I just want to go. 

So, I wake up, just about get  through each day (waste of time) and go to bed to have to go through it all again tomorrow (Groundhog Day!)

I have a stepdaughter who I am close to but she lives a couple of hours away and has her own life and like others on here, my husband and I were all we each needed. Just each other. We only needed each other. Now, I am really alone.  No idea why I am here and certainly don't want to be. I know that everyone on here will understand.

[tlc]

What I forgot to say is that here, on this site I have found others suffering as I am. I am not crazy or unique or whatever. Just the opposite, There are many of us out there suffering like this but I would still tend to think that we are not the "norm". I think that true love and soulmate relationships are very special so we were actually given a real gift. Trouble is we feel so much pain with the loss of that gift. Would I change one thing? NO.

 

[KayC]

tlc,

I am so sorry for your loss...it's the hardest loss in the world as you have discovered, but I want you to know it won't always feel quite the same as it does right now today.  You will always love and miss him, but our bodies are amazing in that they have the ability to adjust even to the unthinkable.  You have already been through so much with the prostrate cancer, with all the two of you went through together.  You are still in early grief, the time when shock is uttermost and so much busy-ness required, but you've probably already seen that start to lessen and little by little reality seeps in and you don't know what to do, how to handle being without him.  Oh God, that is the hardest, we've all been through or are going through that.  I wrote these tips, you may have seen them here somewhere, based on what I learned in the first 12 years of my journey and I hope even one of them speaks to you now and aids you on your journey.

I think what we are experiencing is very normal in grief, particularly for those couples who truly loved each other.  It's not dependent on a certain number of years but on the quality of relationship and I think most here attest to that...we are the ones who had something to lose and are feeling it now.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.