The past week has been a roller coaster

[BetsyD]

So, as some of you know, I lost my beloved partner and soulmate of 40 years on April 26. He went from diagnosis to death in under two months with no prior history of any issues with his liver, no hepatitis, no drinking, nothing - BOOM to Stage 4 primary liver cancer with no hope for treatment. Hospice came on April 19 and he was gone a week later. He was blessed to have met his (our) first grandson and spend 5 days with him (little guy is now 4 months old). 

Everyone tells me how great I am doing - I guess because I am keeping promises I made to him like selling his truck and rehoming his horse. And since I am an independent contractor I am able to do some of my writing work, albeit at strange hours when I can focus. 

But like everyone else, I take one step forward and five steps back. The fact that I live somewhere I don't want to be, and that my children and grandson are in Arizona, are giving me the impetus to do things like getting projects done so I can get the hell out of here and be closer to them, too. (another promise I made to Tom, that I would move closer to the kids). 

This week has been interesting to say the least. Last Sunday I thought I could get up and get going on some stuff. Started to cry and ended up spending the entire day and most of the night in bed, except when my poor dogs told me they really needed to go out and they were hungry. Other than that...useless and numb. Then came Monday and Tuesday, and I actually got some of the big "stuff" listed and sold - like pressure washer, grill, you know, the stuff I will never ever use. Wednesday I actually got out of the house and met my only intelligent friend for lunch. Then the vet came to check on my senior dogs and  I was able to do some of my writing (I had to - I had a deadline and I need the $$). Yesterday was a down day, but late in the afternoon I decided to try to pick up my spirits and go to a political party pre-primary meeting. Awesome, right? Didn't know that one of the guest speakers was a representative of the hospice group that yes, took good care of my Tom for the week they had him, but that no, abandoned me completely after he died and didn't do anything to help me AT ALL. 

Needless to say, I burst into tears and waited outside for them to finish their pitch for volunteers...then reamed them about how their people had left me in my grief with no help, no support, no nothing.

Now it's Friday. Went grocery shopping and now I am beyond exhausted. And, as an added "thing", when I got home there was a sympathy card from Tom's oncologist. Really? You waited two and a half months to be in touch with me? I called them and told them how inappropriate and unappreciated their card was.

I always hated roller coasters - they make me sick. How do I handle these ups and downs? 

[Jamiei]

Hi Betsy... so sorry for your loss! I’m feeling exactly the same!! Everyday I have a list of things to do and don’t have the energy to get them done! My kids don’t live in the same state as me and they both want me to move by them, I want to be with them but the thought of packing up my house overwhelms me. Also this was our home and haven’t moved anything of Dewayne’s! His wallet, phone and headphones are still laying on our bed. Today someone told me I’ll feel better in time, I snapped at them and ask if in time he will be back, if not then I won’t feel better! I don’t blame people for not wanting to be around me, I don’t want to be around me ugh! I hate this feeling for all of us! I grieve every second for him but I’m starting to grieve for who I use to be! I miss smiling and laughing.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, BetsyD said:

then reamed them about how their people had left me in my grief with no help, no support, no nothing.

I am so glad you had the chance to tell them what you felt/thought!  I hope it makes a difference going forward in how they handle people but even if it doesn't and even if they have no conscience, it had to be good for YOU to be able to get that off your chest.

16 hours ago, BetsyD said:

there was a sympathy card from Tom's oncologist. Really? You waited two and a half months to be in touch with me? I called them and told them how inappropriate and unappreciated their card was.

I'm glad you, like me, found your moxie and are calling a spade a spade!  Good for you!  You go, girl!

And you're getting things done, writing, even if you had a day where all you could do was nothing, sometimes that's what's needed!  Taking care of the dogs was the main thing and you managed to do that.  I had a job to go to when George died (until I lost even that) and I managed to function but evenings/weekends were awful, I don't know how I lived through it.  I think I barely did, my brain was gone and sleep was out of reach.  It'll get better for you in time, it took me longer than I care to say but it happened, I managed to adjust, I manage to function, make all the big decisions alone, provide for myself, get by, and even have somewhat of a life.  Nothing like before, I've learned not to compare, that's a killer.  But I'm proud of you for what you're accomplishing just at the time when it's the very hardest to do that!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Jamiei said:

Today someone told me I’ll feel better in time, I snapped at them and ask if in time he will be back, if not then I won’t feel better!

You won't feel better as in things will ever be back the way they were, but you will adjust little by little and learn to cope on your own.  I know you can't see that from where you are, it's not like things will ever be fixed, you're right, he won't be back, that life is gone.  BUT neither will you feel this painful intensity forever, it will dull into something more manageable that you can carry inside of you, I know because that's what has happened with me...it's taken me years but I did eventually adjust as much as I could and am living with the changes this has meant to my life.  I wanted to laugh picturing the person that made that remark to you, they must have felt you bit their head off!  But alas such is the temperament of grief, we're ultra sensitive and all we can see is our pain and our perspective is colored by that pain, anxiety, fear, anger.  It's all a part of grief.

[BetsyD]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you, like me, found your moxie and are calling a spade a spade!  Good for you!  You go, girl!

Thank you, Kay. My feeling about both the oncologist and hospice? Maybe death is their business, but it isn't mine and I needed them...I am pretty much all alone here in TN and the hospice social worker, in particular, knew that when he reached out to the bereavement counselor. Not my problem if she is part-time and had a big caseload (what she told me) - then reach out to your boss and tell him/her you need help to cover the clients. 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

But I'm proud of you for what you're accomplishing just at the time when it's the very hardest to do that!

Funny, my sister told me today that she is proud of me as well - who know, maybe if I hear it from enough people I will believe it, LOL.  The big thing for me is that I truly believe my Tom would be proud of me. And I hope and pray he is with me and sees me and is guiding me. I have never been too religious, but I need to think he is with me for the rest of my life. I miss him so very much. I look for him in every butterfly, every bird, every look my pups give me...and every time I facetime with our daughter and our 4 month old grandson I look for how I can keep him "alive" for them too.  But, as I said before, how can I compare two  months without him to forty years with him?  Just day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour and to not beat myself up if there is something or sometime "I just can't" and hide under the covers. So far today I am not hiding. The day is still young, but I will do my best. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BetsyD said:

Maybe death is their business, but it isn't mine and I needed them

And they needed that wake up call...calling to their attention that they've allowed the everydayness of their business to desensitize them and they need to stop and remember, these are not statistics, these are real people with real lives, real pain, real feelings and real loved ones that are going to miss them for the rest of their stinkin' reality life!  I'm so glad you spoke up to them!  To do any less would be to enable them in their placidity.  

We needn't have religion which is man-made in our effort to reach God, but rather we need God to reach down to US and realize His comfort and direction.  I get so much from having God in my life, I can't even imagine how it'd be if I didn't have Him to call on at any given moment, especially when I am feeling my worst, and even when I'm in my best of times.