I Am So Heartbroken...

[CiCi]

I lost my baby (chihuahua) the night of July 4th. She had CHF. I think she had it for years and I didn't know it. I only found out when I took her to the vet, last October, because she jumped off of the bed and tore her ACL. Tiffy was a rescue from an abusive home.  My kids brought her to me at the age of 6 months, July 4th holidays, exactly 10 years ago. I told her no one would ever hurt her again. I gave her a good home and took really good care of her. I live alone and she was my companion...my baby. I talked to her and played with her every day. During the day, she had 3 beds around the house and she would move and sleep from bed to bed. At night, she slept with me. She always had to be close to me to be sure I wasn't going anywhere. Well, while at the vet, she did this coughing and gagging noise. The asked me how long she had been doing that. I told her it was something she had just started doing. I didn't think much of it. The vet put her to sleep and took xrays of her leg and upper neck to check on a bad disc she had in her neck, from before...and I was given the bad news. The xray of her neck also showed her heart and it was enlarged. She was in late stage CHF. She lived 9 months and one day, after that. I have never hurt so bad in my life. I knew that the time was going to come but I didn't know when. I told my kids that when it appeared that the time was near, I would take her and have her put down. On July 4th, I talked to my daughter earlier in the day and we talked about how Tiffy was doing. I told her, "Well, she still runs out and barks at the mail truck and the UPS truck, so she isn't close to needing to be put down." I also told her that Tiffy didn't seem to be having a good day, though. She wouldn't eat her favorite treat but she would drink water. Late that night, she started breathing weird. She would try to lay down and then would get right back up. One time, he back legs wouldn't work. She started panting really hard and I could hear crackling in her exhalations. I knew this was the end and I was balling my eyes out. Her panting stopped and she was gone. I got one last tail wag out of her prior to that while rubbing her and telling her how much I loved her. I am so lost and heartbroken. I cry everyday. I am no longer having meltdowns but I still have tears. I told my daughter that I don't know how I am going to get over this. I feel like I have lost my child. I miss her so much, I am sure most of you know what I am talking about. I had her cremated and she is in a nice urn. Everywhere I look, I see Tiffy (in memory). I look at her favorite spots. I remember her little routines and the cute things she did. I just can't seem to get past this, so I came here. 

[KayC]

I can't imagine someone abusing this little defenseless dog, look at those big eyes!  Reminds me of a little fawn, so precious.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have a friend with CHF, and it scares me.

You've found a good place to come to, it helps to know you're not alone in going through this and that your feelings are both heard and valid.  Wishing peace for you, I know how hard the pain of missing her is.

[BobIngersoll]

Likewise, I am so sorry for the loss of your little one.  I, and all of us I guess, come here seeking some comfort and understanding of what we suffer when a dear companion dies.  All any of us can do is share our thoughts and sorrows, and let you know that we completely understand what you are feeling.  Believe me - it's been 10 days since I lost Kato, and I still break down several times a day.  I go out to his grave several times a day.  I catch myself looking around for him several times a day.

All we can do is live through and with the sadness.

[CiCi]

Thank you both for your kind words. KayC...yes, she had the most beautiful eyes. They talked to you. She would look at me with those eyes and my heart would just melt with love. All of these years, every time I would think about someone hurting her, it would crush my heart. Bob, it is so hard to live through this sadness. I have never felt such deep hurt, before. I am so sorry for everyone's losses. 

[My buddy Thomas]

CiCi, 

I am deeply sorry for the loss of Tiffy. She is the most gorgeous little pet. Her eyes are so trusting and innocent. I know how you are feeling. 16 days ago I lost my cat Thomas to CHF. He also had two occasions where he lost the use of his back legs. The vet said this is due to clots forming. In a similar way, I thought the time would come when it would be clear that he would need to be euthanised and I could at least bring him for a peaceful death. However two weeks ago he had some sort of seizure and I had to stand there watching him not able to breathe until he left me. I am doing the same things as you and looking at all his favourite spots and at the place where he is buried. My thoughts are with you as I know exactly what you are going through. May time help heal us both :-(

 

[CiCi]

My Buddy Thomas...thank you. I am so sorry for your traumatic loss, as well. My daughter sent me some beautiful plants as a memorial to Tiffy. I repotted them and put ceramic angel picks in the dirt. I then created a small wooden heart that says, "In loving memory of Tiffy. Forever in my heart". I took a closepin base and clipped it to the bottom of the heart, as a holder, and then stuck that in the dirt. Tiffy was a sweet, sweet dog and all of the family loved her. When I traveled to visit my kids, their homes were like her home...familiar.  I would put her down and off she'd go. Hope it gets easier for you, as well. 

[AJWCat]

I am really sorry for your loss of Tiffy. Our cat (we had for 10 years too) was like our child as well. We lost him very suddenly and it was pretty horrible. I have come to terms with it, found some peace but I still miss him almost a year later. Tiffy will be in your heart forever but I can tell you, the pain will subside. Although you have waves of grief that hit you out of nowhere sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it will just never get better just try to be patient with yourself. It takes time. 

[CiCi]

Thank you for your comforting words, AJWCat. So sorry for the loss of your cat. Our little fur babies. I hope my pain will subside. I can't even imagine what that will feel like...to feel normal, again, without so much hurt. 

 

[KayC]

Cici, your pain will subside, although I can't say how long that'll take, we all process differently.  The love doesn't stop though, and we continue to miss them.  It's taken me so long to adjust to my husband's death, and even my granddoggy, Skye, he's been gone nearly five years, I still miss him terribly.  Lord it goes on and on, all the losses!

[CiCi]

I had a dream, this morning, and it made me feel so good. I have simply been lost and hurting so much. I wondered where she was and if she was okay and if she was wondering where I was. Ridiculous, I know, but I still wondered. I have dreamed about her a couple times, but in those dreams I simply saw her. In the dream, this morning, I was asleep and I felt her walking on the bed and I woke up and saw her. I was so happy. She came over to me and I was able to rub her and hug her, so much. I said, "You're back!". It felt so good to hold her, again. I was able to actually feel her, and the feel of her felt so real, but I knew I was dreaming. In the dream I told myself not to open my eyes because if I did, she would disappear, so some kind of way I kept myself in dream mode. Next thing I know, we were walking down the hall. I asked her if she wanted some water (In life, she understood that question). I got her some water and put it down, but she didn't seem to want it. I asked her if she wanted to go pee-pee (In life, she understood that, as well). We were heading toward the door and then...my darn cel phone rang and woke me up, for real. I was so upset. It was one of those spoof calls. I usually turn my cel off because those callers have a habit of calling me early in the morning and waking me up, just as they did this time. Unfortunately, I was testing out a new battery to see how good it worked, so I left my phone on to see how long it took to drain. Anyway, that dream helped me so much. It made me feel so good and made me feel like I was able to have her in my life again for a short visit and it felt wonderful. No tears, today. 

[KayC]

I'm glad you had that.  I would love a dream like that of my husband, or even of my Miss Mocha or Skye, any of the animals I've lost.  To be able to feel them once again...

[Jack Russell]

They say that is actually their spirit visiting. It has been four weeks since I lost my beautiful little Kelly and I would love to have a dream like that. How wonderful. The pain of losing her is not so raw but I  have a meltdown each time I come through the door and she is not there. And I am still battling with myself inside on the way she died. I have now filed my claim through the courts against the dog minder and it has helped with the grief.  I have to do something for other dogs and for Kelly. And I have a rescue dog "fur baby" coming to me this weekend. She is a rescue from Romania and is on route now. I have a huge place in my heart to fill.  She will never replace my beautiful Kelly but I am willing to love another despite the pain.  This little dog needs a loving home. 

[CiCi]

She came again, last night, only this time we were somewhere I had no where it was. In the dream, I knew the people really well. In real life, I have no idea who they were. Tiffy was there and again, we got to visit for quite awhile. We were at some kind of BBQ and she had this big beef rib that was almost as big as her and she dragged it over and sat it down and looked at me to see if it was okay. Another enjoyed dream. I know they won't happen every night, but they sure do make me feel better. Good luck with everything, Jack. I wish for both you and KC that you get to experience time like that with your loved ones. It is such a wonderful feeling.