Having trouble coping without Kato

[BobIngersoll]

All of our animals were stray's that showed up - 5 cats and 2 dogs. We have had to put down pets over the years due to progressive diseases and just plain old age.

We had Kato for 2 years. He was the latest to show up. We had to put him down a week and a 1/2 ago.  

Kato was just so special. He had no fear of anything, but that was his downfall. 

He disappeared for two days and when I finally found him his front legs were badly mangled with deep bights and both were broken. Likely a neighborhood dog got him.  Kato would just have laid down on his back when the dog approached, thinking it was going to play with him. 

We found a vet open on Sunday and all agreed that the best thing to do for him was to be put down.

That was 10 days ago and I am still breaking down several times a day and weeping.  I have always cried in the past when we had to do this, but this pain is different.  It is deep and overwhelming and I just can't seem to get past it.  Part of me thinks that I don't want to get past it.  Kato had just become such a large part of my daily routine.  When he wasn't around, which was often, I always watched out for him. He just would not stay close to home like the older cats do.  He was just not aware of the dangers that were beyond home.  Many was the time that I would see him in a neighbors yard and I would go get him.

Anyway, I don't know if this will do me any good to post this.  I just loved him so much and even though all these other's are here, laying in the back yard or on the couch, I just have a feeling that this pain is never going to subside.  I can't even finish typing this without breaking down and weeping.

[Jack Russell]

What a cutie. I am so sorry for your loss.  I am going through the same kind of grief after loosing my little dog of 16 years. It has only been 3 weeks since I had her put to sleep due to her injuries.  Every day I miss her and want to hold her again. I look on this website every day at the moment, to some how know I am not alone in my misery.  We love our pets, they are part of us.  Please read some of the stories on this site and know that there are others feeling the same way.  Write more about your beautiful cat, take every day a day at a time until you come to some kind of acceptance.  I haven't accepted yet though, but I know it will come.  I lost both my mum and dad within 4 months of each other and the grief is the same as my lovely Kelly.  My son thought I was mad when I said the grief was the same as loosing my parents, but it is, I loved her so much.  And when you know they died due to some mishap it somehow makes it harder to accept. My thoughts are with you.

 

[BobIngersoll]

Thank you so much for your words and thoughts.  I guess, all I can do is live through it, live with the grief.  I am hoping it helps knowing that others are going through this or have gone through it.  I guess I am just perplexed as to why I have had such an extreme reaction to Kato's passing.  I love all our animals.  I just don't know that I would be so affected if it was one of the older members.  I don't know.  I just feel like I am going to miss him for the rest of my life.

But, thank you.

And I am reading thru some of the other stories and responses.

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh Kato is so so cute. I am SO sorry Bob. It's hard to say about the reaction. I lost two cats within a year and it was hard but when I lost our last one I was in shock - totally devastated. In part because the other two had cancer and I knew it was coming - this last one was very sudden. Kind of like Kato. You never expected such a thing.  

I have this way to think of my loss... my heart was broken the day our cat got sick and passed away. Although it has healed, there will be a crack because that loss will never truly go away. I have come to an acceptance and a peace but the break is still there. I promise the horrible pain will lessen (I am at a year soon) but it takes time. Be patient with yourself.  

 

[BobIngersoll]

Thank you for that.  I have read over many of the posts and replies.  I guess I was hoping for a magic bullet by posting here, something that would make sense and immediately reduce the intensity of this grief - yet - at the same time, I feel Kato is deserving of my grief.  He deserves every tear I shed at his loss.  This doesn't make sense to me, but it is what I feel.  I miss him so much that I don't ever want to stop missing him.  All I have left are 2 years of memories, pictures, and this intense feeling of loss.....but...rationally, I know in order to be a functioning human, I have to calm down and accept what life brings us - the good and the bad.  

God this hurts.

But, thank you so much for your words.  They mean a lot, even if they can't stop the pain.

I drive a school bus - often, when I got home in the afternoons, Kato would greet me, climb aboard when I opened the door, and make himself at home.

 

[KayC]

My heart hurts for you, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Looking at the picture with the deer...that is priceless.  What a gentle little cat.  My dog is huge and would never hurt a cat, I have a 23 year old cat and even as clumsy as my dog can be, he looks out for her.  I'm so sorry you lost her, it's just hard.  You have a lot of good memories with her, in time those will bring you comfort instead of pain.  (((hugs)))

 

[AJWCat]

What a personality. You are so right. He is deserving of grief. Sadly there are no magic bullets or easy answers here. We all want the pain eased somehow. There is just no way around only through. 

[Beatriz]

We hear you BobIngersoll and the pain is as raw as you describe for me as well and yesterday I counted three months since my Tripps died, after having survived his sister Preta for only five months. They were almost and 18 years old and their loss devastated me utterly. With time it became even more difficult to talk about it so I wanted to tell you that it helps me somehow when I read you express your sentiments - you are not alone going through it. Hardest thing to accept that we should have to even when it obviously is the case and life’s way etc. It just hurts so much. How beautiful your Kato is. 

[BobIngersoll]

Well, it's been two weeks since we had to put Kato down.  It is just the past two days that I have not broken down and wept hard.  I still tear up numerous times a day, but not full body weeping.  But, I don't feel any better.  I still catch myself looking at the usual times in the usual places.  When I open the front door in the morning, he's not there...when I wash dishes and look out the kitchen window, no Kato...while I am sitting at the computer he no longer comes in and rubs against my legs wanting attention / food.

I dreamt last night that I heard the chain-link fence rattle and then saw him climbing over into the back yard, as he so often did.  The dream lasted just a few seconds.

I am sure there are known stages of grief, I don't know what they are, nor right now do I even care.  

I have been reading some of the other posts from those who are feeling guilt over their pets death.  I have been likewise:

I should have tried harder to keep Kato at home, though I don't know how I could have done that.  All of our cats were explorers until they got older.  Kato, if he had of survived another few years, may have lost his desire to roam...I don't know.  

I should have asked the vet more questions about possibly saving him, though it seemed that the only real option for survival was the amputation of both front legs.

When we brought Kato home after his euthanasia, after I dug his grave next to our other pets, I opened up the box and we rubbed his head one last time and and I told him how sorry I was and that I will always love and miss him.  After I covered him over and placed the stones, all that evening and over the next week or more, I worried that - what if he wakes up...what if the vet didn't make sure he was gone...what if he is trying to get out...  Intense emotions have a way of altering our perception of reality - I know this, but from my experience, guilt is one of the most intense emotions ESPECIALLY during times of great loss.

I am rambling here - enough for now.  I just felt the need.  Let me end with a short video of Kato.  We usually named our cats, influenced by a particular movie or TV character.  Kato was named such because he was very mischievous - always playfully attacking our other cats...and they all hated it.  So Kato comes from the movie "The Pink Panther", where Inspector Clouseau is attacked by his partner Kato in the beginning of several of the films.  Our Kato loved to pester one of our other cats - Dexter - named after the Showtime series by that name.  Here is Kato and Dexter...well...Dexter's tail anyway. 

[KayC]

Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler actually written not for loss to death but for medical, at any rate, it's discounted as not everyone goes through all stages of grief, nor are they in any particular order, they can be at the same time, back and forth, etc. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  There are other stages not mentioned by her, such as shock.

I don't like the term "acceptance" because of it's implications that we think what happened is okay...I'll never be okay with what happened.  BUT we do come to a realization of what took place and assimilate it into our lives, so I guess that's as close to what they call acceptance as we can get.

I loved your Kato video.  He's pretty tolerant actually, taking a lot of tail thumping before he gets up and moves! 

The dreams are hard because for a moment we have them back with us...only to wake up and get hit all over again.

[Beatriz]

I loved the video and I can see Kato’s demeanour and charisma, thank you for sharing it with us. 

I could’t agree more with what you wrote about stages of grief and learning about them at the moment seeming less than relevant when we’re carrying this Hurt and barely coping with the Longing. I tried to resort to books on pet loss but when they get to prescribe on how to “heal” my brain freezes. I acknowledge those are well meant advices and so on but honestly of little help for me just now.

I had one dream of Tripps and Preta so far. They looked so perfect and stood still as if they were posing for a photo. It lasted a few seconds. I saw Tripps first and he was as ever looking at me. Preta came and stood by him. As KayC said, I had them back with me: it’s ALL I wanted.

 

 

[Beatriz]

Here they are Preta and Tripps

[BobIngersoll]

Thanks KayC and Beatriz.  I am finding that when I don't visit here and read the posts I just feel kind of dull.  When I do visit I always come to tears in a matter of seconds as I read.  I guess I just don't know.

Preta and Tripps are so precious.  I spend a lot of my spare time rubbing our other cats, but nothing really eases the feeling of loss.

Kato again, in his younger days:

 

[AJWCat]

I know how lost you feel I felt the same way. It took me several weeks to feel like I was functioning normally. I came to this forum all the time too.... to read and to write. There is nothing to be done with this heartsick pain. You wake up and it starts and hangs around all day. My world was a much darker place. 

So for me, it was a way to be "working" on my pain and of course expressing all of my waves of emotion. My husband was equally as devastated but he kept busy and didn't want to dwell on the situation like I wanted to. I don't know who is "healthier" we all just process in different ways. Do what you need to do to cope. 

 

[Beatriz]

Kato is so wonderful and his strong personality shows so much in the photos. It really makes me smile to see him and thank you for what you said about Tripps and Preta. With time I started feeling that even mentioning their names became a nuisance and inconvenienced others so I wait until I am on my own and call their names aloud. I am sure they can hear me - I lost track of how many times per day I called their names in my previous life with them, now what can I do if their names remain on the tip of my tongue? The thing is we go on loving them much in the same way as we always did. When and if the Longing subsides, the Love will remain. Of that I am sure. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BobIngersoll said:

When I do visit I always come to tears in a matter of seconds as I read. 

Tears are healthy as they help us process our grief and this is necessary for getting through it.  When we've processed it, we're better able to have our memories with comfort and a smile instead of the raw pain of the early grief.  So don't fear or stop the tears, let them flow, they're doing their job.

21 hours ago, Beatriz said:

had one dream of Tripps and Preta so far. They looked so perfect and stood still as if they were posing for a photo. It lasted a few seconds. I saw Tripps first and he was as ever looking at me. Preta came and stood by him. As KayC said, I had them back with me: it’s ALL I wanted.

Maybe it's more than a dream, perhaps a visitation of what will be someday.  I rest in the hope of being with all of those I love and miss, it will happen, I just have to wait until my time is ready.