Lost and broken

[VictoriaS]

In Feb of this year I lost the man I was suppose to spend my life with. We had been together for almost 11 years and I don't know where to go from here. I found him in the bathroom after having a heart attack. I couldn't do anything to save him and every day since then has been a blur. I try to stay busy, but it doesn't help, my mind is always going 1,000 miles a minute. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. I don't understand why this happened. My family and friends try to be there for me but as much as they try they can't relate to what I am going through. Before losing him I thought I had life pretty figured out. Now I know nothing. I look at everything so differently now....and I mean everything. I will sit on our patio and watch the wind blow and wonder why. What is the reason, why are we here, what is the point. NOTHING makes sense to me anymore. I see a therapist once a week and my doctor put me on an antidepressant, that I worry about constantly because of all the side effects that go along with anti depressants since I have never been on one before. I try to take it one day at a time...even one hour at a time. I have been reading peoples posts on here for a couple weeks now and it in some small way helps to know there are others going through the same thing, and reading others advice for what to do or read or just words of wisdom from another broken heart. I know the stages of grief, I know what to do and how to deal but I just cant. I wake up every morning only to take care of our 3 dogs and go to work. I get to work and fake it so no one has to worry about me and make it through the day just to get home and want to sleep. I know sleeping all the time isn't healthy but I don't care. I know everyone wants me to more forward but I don't want to without him. I stop talking about whats going through my mind because all people want is for me to be ok and im not. I talk to my therapist about everything and she says this is normal. But what is normal? What is the point to anything and everything? Why did God take him from me? What is the meaning to this life....this world...our existence? What happens after this life? Who knows for sure....no one here on earth. No matter who you talk to or what we research no one knows what is next until we die. Like I said I question everything. I would do anything to have him back here with me. So on top of going through all this and dealing with my grief, which at times I don't do that well, I have to deal with my in-laws. My mother in-law asked me the day after he died how old I was, I said 36, she said don't worry there is still time you will meet someone else....who says that? Not to mention all the other crap people say and don't realize how insensitive they are being. I have had countless people ask me "do you guys have kids"...like it sader if we did. Or the people who tell me well he is in a better place. No offense but screw you, the better place for him is here with me. I get people don't know what to say and most are just trying to help, but the best thing you could do is say nothing at all and leave me alone. I don't want to be around other people, I would rather just hang with our dogs. Every minute that goes by I miss him more and more. I want to pick up the phone and call him, I want him to dance and sing around the kitchen with me, I want to hear him nag about how I load the dish washer. But most of all I just want to hug him. I try to be there for his family because I realize it is hard for them too. But his mom makes it so difficult. She has already gone off on me twice regarding finances and what I can and cant do with everything. And how mad she is with him for not doing this or that for her. The thing is... I wish I could say its because she lost her son, but she was like this to him his whole life and now that he is gone she is directing at me. I know I have to get stronger to deal with her, but im not there yet and its hard. Everyone tells me to set boundaries with her but its hard. I always promised him I would help take care of her if something ever happened to him and I am trying but she makes it so hard. To put it simple I am just lost...lost in an uncertain world and I don't know what comes next. I am mad at God for taking him away, I am mad at him for leaving me here, and I am mad at the world for going on with their lives and for time moving forward without him here with me.

[Spengler]

Victoria, I felt and feel pretty much the same as you do, after losing my wife of 30 years. I so very much wanted to predecease her because I couldn't imagine life without her. But, it's not in our hands to make such choices. We have a job to do, and that is to keep on living and doing what we must, just because we must. We do have to set an example for others in our family, who will one day have their own similar tragedies to deal with. And simply giving up, as tempting as that is sometimes, is a desecration, a repudiation of the will of the Lord.

Life is, essentially, tragic. It is full of chaos and dark corners. Cherish the joys, brief as though they may be, and endure the grief. Endure and be strong, even when you cannot endure and be strong. And if the effort of enduring wears you down and finally breaks you, cry, but still, endure. That is why the Lord made us, so that our endurance in suffering would be a reproach to the pain and testing He puts us through. Our loss and pain are payment for the life our children and grandchildren will enjoy . . . until they, too, will suffer loss and pain in payment for the life of their own children and grandchildren. It is an endless chain. And there is joy and glory, as well as pain. Is it all worth it? I have no answer to that.

 

[BetsyD]

9 hours ago, VictoriaS said:

Or the people who tell me well he is in a better place. No offense but screw you, the better place for him is here with me. I get people don't know what to say and most are just trying to help, but the best thing you could do is say nothing at all and leave me alone. I don't want to be around other people, I would rather just hang with our dogs. Every minute that goes by I miss him more and more. I want to pick up the phone and call him, I want him to dance and sing around the kitchen with me, I want to hear him nag about how I load the dish washer. But most of all I just want to hug him.

I so get this and have said the same thing - exactly, screw you - the better place for him is here with me. They DON'T know what to say - and you are right, nothing is better than that betterp place crap. I lost my beloved husband suddenly on April 26. We had no idea he was ill and suddenly he was gone. We were together 40 years and he died 10 days before our 28th wedding anniversary. Everything makes me cry - we did everything together! Even going into the kitchen makes me cry because of how much joy we had trying new recipes or trashing the failed ones :-)  There is no timeline, there is no one way to do this. I feel your pain, believe me. There are days I just can't get out of bed, then there are others where I feel as if he is proud of me because I managed to do something to move forward. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or how to deal with this. Your life, your love, your grief. I had someone suddenly start addressing letters/cards to me as "Ms." instead of "Mrs." - really?????? um, no. Someone else told me "everything will be ok" - really?????? um, no. I cannot compare 2 months without to 40 years with, but I know for sure that I will never, ever be OK. I will continue, I will be different, I will be sure that the grandson who was born a month before my love died will know who and what his grandpa was all about...but I will never be "OK".  None of us on this board is here alone, I guess - and that's why we are here. Sending empathy and sympathy.

[KayC]

Victoria, I am so sorry for what you are going through, for your loss and his mom on top of it...neither of you owed it to her to take care of her, we're adults, we have to first take care of ourselves.  I'm sorry she's adding to the burden, Lord knows it's hard enough to get through all of the adjustments this loss means to our lives, it can take a very very long time, even with professional help.  Be gentle with yourself, patient, understanding, as you would with a friend.  You are the age of my daughter, it breaks my heart you are going through this.  You're right, no one should tell someone they're young, they'll find someone else, very inappropriate response! Instead they should listen, be there, try to help you in tangible ways and put a muzzle on their mouth.  I'm sorry, it upsets me that so many people are so inappropriate with their response!  It seems our culture hasn't done a very good job of helping people understand how to respond to grief.  Sudden loss is very shocking!  We don't expect to lose our mate when we're so young, my husband was 51, we didn't even meet until our mid-forties, I know I sure didn't expect this, I thought we'd grow old together!  It's not how long we're together that determines our loss, it's quality of relationship, some have been married 50 years and aren't close, others a couple of years and were true soul mates.  I hope you will keep coming here, we get it, you won't hear us saying stupid things like "move on", etc.  We hear you, we understand.  (((hugs)))

[VictoriaS]

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. It does help coming here and reading other people's situations and what people advice is. All I know is I have to focus on myself right now, and that's hard for me I always focus on everyone else and helping them. I will say going out riding is the only time I can clear my head and actually breathe. We have quads and we live across the street from mountains and we literally drive out of our garage and just ride all over and enjoy being in nature. It was one of our favorite things to do. And now I have started going out again it's like therapy to me. I don't worry about the stress of everything and I know it sounds weird but I feel him with me more when I'm out there. Spengler is right life is full of dark corners and chaos, it's just too much for me sometimes so getting out in nature and just riding helps. BetsyD, it is so frustrating what people say and do, I know they mean to help but KayC is right our society doesn't understand how to respond to someone who is griefing. That's why I prefer the community of our 3 dogs. I also need to set boundaries with his mom in a way that doesn't upset her. I can't have someone treating like this. I don't need the negativity. I have too much to deal with and every time I turn around something has broken...the fridge, two faucets, the sprinkler system, my cars ac motor, the garage door...and etc. I'm trying to stay busy but it doesn't help much. My brain is always going and i have bad nightmares and panic attacks. Something I have never had before. My therapist has been doing EMDR therapy and it does help. I would recommend it to anyone having nightmares, anxiety, or panic attacks. I'm glad I found this group it really helps to get things off my chest. I'm curious what all of you do to help with panic attacks and anxiety? 

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, VictoriaS said:

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. It does help coming here and reading other people's situations and what people advice is. All I know is I have to focus on myself right now, and that's hard for me I always focus on everyone else and helping them. I will say going out riding is the only time I can clear my head and actually breathe. We have quads and we live across the street from mountains and we literally drive out of our garage and just ride all over and enjoy being in nature. It was one of our favorite things to do. And now I have started going out again it's like therapy to me. I don't worry about the stress of everything and I know it sounds weird but I feel him with me more when I'm out there. Spengler is right life is full of dark corners and chaos, it's just too much for me sometimes so getting out in nature and just riding helps. BetsyD, it is so frustrating what people say and do, I know they mean to help but KayC is right our society doesn't understand how to respond to someone who is griefing. That's why I prefer the community of our 3 dogs. I also need to set boundaries with his mom in a way that doesn't upset her. I can't have someone treating like this. I don't need the negativity. I have too much to deal with and every time I turn around something has broken...the fridge, two faucets, the sprinkler system, my cars ac motor, the garage door...and etc. I'm trying to stay busy but it doesn't help much. My brain is always going and i have bad nightmares and panic attacks. Something I have never had before. My therapist has been doing EMDR therapy and it does help. I would recommend it to anyone having nightmares, anxiety, or panic attacks. I'm glad I found this group it really helps to get things off my chest. I'm curious what all of you do to help with panic attacks and anxiety? 

I am so sorry for your loss. I am now at 6 months without my lovely husband and I started to experience panic attacks and anxiety. When it happens I have a million thoughts going through my mind all at once. My hands tingle, I can't catch my breath & I feel a little dizzy. I am getting better at backing myself off the ledge but sometimes I am not successful and it has to run it's course. By the end of it I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I did reach out to my doctor for some anti-depressants but I still have not taken them because I am afraid of the side effects. So now I am trying to learn different outlets that calm my spirit and make me feel stronger. I journal, I read, I go to therapy once a week, every Sunday I pick a new place and I go run or walk and listen to some music. Sometimes music is too painful so I just listen to nature. I find that it really does help. I think all we can do is take life day by day, minute by minute and be our own best friend. We might not get what we need from other people so we have to learn to sooth ourselves and whatever that is, is different for each of us. I hope that you find a practice that brings you some peace and gives you the momentum to move forward, even if it's just a little step. 

[Melissa Douthit]

I hate when you get a chance to open up and someone tells you to stop getting emotional and say your just tired and that's the only time you get like this..!! I literally have to go hide and cry because it makes people so uncomfortable. I just want to say wait until it happens to you ....then let's see how you handle it!!! I want to scream at the world. Yes I totally agree it pisses me off to hear that they're in a better place too... because I was his better place as well.. we made it through the rough times and never gave up on each other... I miss his rambling on about my mess in the bathroom and him griping about work. Who am I now ??? And yeah push on for what a lonely existence?? I have our two kitties still and they miss him too .. he used to tease me and say they were daddies babies .... Mama's maybe. I talk to his mom all the time and I will be there for her because I know Jamy would do that for me. He is my husband in my eyes and heart .. I can't even sleep at night because I don't have him there . I think some days I'm stronger but then I smell his cologne or I find a card he got me. Or I find some of the toys he would randomly get and save to give to my nieces when they would come to visit.. I am angry and defeated but I don't blame God for this...I blame Satan because he knows what hurts us and breaks our spirit and then he makes sure he destroys so as to pull us away from God... I know God is where the little bit of strength I get comes from ... because without Him ..I'd have already offed myself.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, VictoriaS said:

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. It does help coming here and reading other people's situations and what people advice is. All I know is I have to focus on myself right now, and that's hard for me I always focus on everyone else and helping them. I will say going out riding is the only time I can clear my head and actually breathe. We have quads and we live across the street from mountains and we literally drive out of our garage and just ride all over and enjoy being in nature. It was one of our favorite things to do. And now I have started going out again it's like therapy to me. I don't worry about the stress of everything and I know it sounds weird but I feel him with me more when I'm out there. Spengler is right life is full of dark corners and chaos, it's just too much for me sometimes so getting out in nature and just riding helps. BetsyD, it is so frustrating what people say and do, I know they mean to help but KayC is right our society doesn't understand how to respond to someone who is griefing. That's why I prefer the community of our 3 dogs. I also need to set boundaries with his mom in a way that doesn't upset her. I can't have someone treating like this. I don't need the negativity. I have too much to deal with and every time I turn around something has broken...the fridge, two faucets, the sprinkler system, my cars ac motor, the garage door...and etc. I'm trying to stay busy but it doesn't help much. My brain is always going and i have bad nightmares and panic attacks. Something I have never had before. My therapist has been doing EMDR therapy and it does help. I would recommend it to anyone having nightmares, anxiety, or panic attacks. I'm glad I found this group it really helps to get things off my chest. I'm curious what all of you do to help with panic attacks and anxiety? 

Oh I can relate, this month I dealt with ear infections, then horrid reactions to the medicines, they lasted a month, one is still happening six weeks later, then my watch quit working, they don't make parts for it, my car had something major going out so I got a different one, immediately needed to replace battery $167, brakes $468, then my washing machine started leaking, will have to get another when it worsens as I live in the country so repairmen aren't cost effective on a 20 year old washer, then my 5 1/2 year old refrigerator went out, I lost all my food, had to buy a new one, they didn't set it up right, had to get them back to work on it, still not right, then I discovered my garage/outbuildings roof needs replaced, don't have the bid in on that yet but probably at least $5,000, had to have a tree cut down so they can work on the roof, on and on it goes!  When you go through stuff like this, you feel overwhelmed, you wish you had your husband by your side, at least if nothing else you wouldn't feel so alone going through it!

I'm glad you're setting boundaries with his mom, you really don't need her to deal with on top of everything else you're going through!  I understand your feelings, my faith has gotten me through much, but that first year even it was sorely tested!  I related to Job.  I can't emphasize enough for you to hang in there because the corner will turn, it may take years, but it will happen, I know you feel you can't hang in there that long but you can, just keep doing one day at a time.  Everyone's timetable is different so don't let that scare you, I may just take longer than most. 

 

[VictoriaS]

On 7/11/2018 at 11:47 AM, LeannC45 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I am now at 6 months without my lovely husband and I started to experience panic attacks and anxiety. When it happens I have a million thoughts going through my mind all at once. My hands tingle, I can't catch my breath & I feel a little dizzy. I am getting better at backing myself off the ledge but sometimes I am not successful and it has to run it's course. By the end of it I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I did reach out to my doctor for some anti-depressants but I still have not taken them because I am afraid of the side effects. So now I am trying to learn different outlets that calm my spirit and make me feel stronger. I journal, I read, I go to therapy once a week, every Sunday I pick a new place and I go run or walk and listen to some music. Sometimes music is too painful so I just listen to nature. I find that it really does help. I think all we can do is take life day by day, minute by minute and be our own best friend. We might not get what we need from other people so we have to learn to sooth ourselves and whatever that is, is different for each of us. I hope that you find a practice that brings you some peace and gives you the momentum to move forward, even if it's just a little step. 

I am so sorry for your loss too. I try journaling and reading but my mind can't focus. My therapy helps, she is someone outside everything that gives me suggestions on how to deal with everything. She also does EMDR therapy which seems to help with my nightmares. I agree...music is way too hard, I just cry my eyes out even harder. I do listen to nature. I take our quads out and just ride around the mountains and it's the only time I can breathe and clear my head a little. Thank you for your advice. 

[VictoriaS]

On 7/12/2018 at 12:53 AM, Melissa Douthit said:

I hate when you get a chance to open up and someone tells you to stop getting emotional and say your just tired and that's the only time you get like this..!! I literally have to go hide and cry because it makes people so uncomfortable. I just want to say wait until it happens to you ....then let's see how you handle it!!! I want to scream at the world. Yes I totally agree it pisses me off to hear that they're in a better place too... because I was his better place as well.. we made it through the rough times and never gave up on each other... I miss his rambling on about my mess in the bathroom and him griping about work. Who am I now ??? And yeah push on for what a lonely existence?? I have our two kitties still and they miss him too .. he used to tease me and say they were daddies babies .... Mama's maybe. I talk to his mom all the time and I will be there for her because I know Jamy would do that for me. He is my husband in my eyes and heart .. I can't even sleep at night because I don't have him there . I think some days I'm stronger but then I smell his cologne or I find a card he got me. Or I find some of the toys he would randomly get and save to give to my nieces when they would come to visit.. I am angry and defeated but I don't blame God for this...I blame Satan because he knows what hurts us and breaks our spirit and then he makes sure he destroys so as to pull us away from God... I know God is where the little bit of strength I get comes from ... because without Him ..I'd have already offed myself.

The animals are our babies and they miss them just as much. I keep his deodorant in my purse, they may sound weird to some but I don't care. I miss watching him brush his teeth, I miss his little dance he did when he got out of the shower, I miss his laugh. I understand where you are coming from as well. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

[VictoriaS]

On 7/12/2018 at 7:50 AM, KayC said:

Oh I can relate, this month I dealt with ear infections, then horrid reactions to the medicines, they lasted a month, one is still happening six weeks later, then my watch quit working, they don't make parts for it, my car had something major going out so I got a different one, immediately needed to replace battery $167, brakes $468, then my washing machine started leaking, will have to get another when it worsens as I live in the country so repairmen aren't cost effective on a 20 year old washer, then my 5 1/2 year old refrigerator went out, I lost all my food, had to buy a new one, they didn't set it up right, had to get them back to work on it, still not right, then I discovered my garage/outbuildings roof needs replaced, don't have the bid in on that yet but probably at least $5,000, had to have a tree cut down so they can work on the roof, on and on it goes!  When you go through stuff like this, you feel overwhelmed, you wish you had your husband by your side, at least if nothing else you wouldn't feel so alone going through it!

I'm glad you're setting boundaries with his mom, you really don't need her to deal with on top of everything else you're going through!  I understand your feelings, my faith has gotten me through much, but that first year even it was sorely tested!  I related to Job.  I can't emphasize enough for you to hang in there because the corner will turn, it may take years, but it will happen, I know you feel you can't hang in there that long but you can, just keep doing one day at a time.  Everyone's timetable is different so don't let that scare you, I may just take longer than most. 

 

It does seem like it's one thing after another that keeps happening. As soon as I get one thing fixed something else brakes. Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying as best I can each day.

[KayC]

And continuing to try is the best we can do.  Right now I'm dealing with someone who lost her partner, they were codependent and she hasn't a clue how to take care of herself or provide for herself, she's suicidal, she is seeing a mental health professional who wants her to voluntarily submit herself for in house treatment but she won't do it because she has two dogs...yet she's planning on killing her dogs and then herself!  It's beyond my ability to help her but she keeps reaching out to me.  Everything I suggest she puts up a roadblock.  I try to get her to think of solutions but nope, just roadblocks.  She's doing nothing to help herself.  I'm trying to help her hang on by a thread, but oh how slippery the slope!

So I commend you for continuing to try, you will see results, maybe it'll take a long time before you realize it, but it'll happen.  Our attitude is everything!  I don't mean we can have positive thinking and all our problems disappear, we both know that's not how it works, but having a good attitude and our self-talk does help us work through things.  And doing things for ourselves, it's productive.  We have to learn to be our own best friend.  And try not to let life's problems swallow us alive!  There IS still some good in life, we need to look up and reach for that and embrace it, no matter how small, no "good" or joy is too insignificant to embrace and acknowledge.

One day at a time...

[VictoriaS]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

And continuing to try is the best we can do.  Right now I'm dealing with someone who lost her partner, they were codependent and she hasn't a clue how to take care of herself or provide for herself, she's suicidal, she is seeing a mental health professional who wants her to voluntarily submit herself for in house treatment but she won't do it because she has two dogs...yet she's planning on killing her dogs and then herself!  It's beyond my ability to help her but she keeps reaching out to me.  Everything I suggest she puts up a roadblock.  I try to get her to think of solutions but nope, just roadblocks.  She's doing nothing to help herself.  I'm trying to help her hang on by a thread, but oh how slippery the slope!

So I commend you for continuing to try, you will see results, maybe it'll take a long time before you realize it, but it'll happen.  Our attitude is everything!  I don't mean we can have positive thinking and all our problems disappear, we both know that's not how it works, but having a good attitude and our self-talk does help us work through things.  And doing things for ourselves, it's productive.  We have to learn to be our own best friend.  And try not to let life's problems swallow us alive!  There IS still some good in life, we need to look up and reach for that and embrace it, no matter how small, no "good" or joy is too insignificant to embrace and acknowledge.

One day at a time...

My dad always said you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I think it is very kind of you to try helping her. Hopefully she realizes she does need the help. I just started reading a book a close friend asked me to read, it's called it's ok that you're not ok by Megan Devine. I have hard good reviews about it. Maybe that is something she might want to try and read. I'm hanging on by a thread at times. But I have seen first hand what suicide has done to my family, and I would never do that to my family. My mothers best friend and my cousin. I work in health care and I see it all the time. Sadly some feel it's their only choice, but it's not. My advice is to tell her no matter how bad today is tomorrow could be better. Realize that your partner would not want that for her. And to start a journal, it helps a lot of people get everything out of their head. My thoughts and prayers are with you both and I hopefully she gets the help she needs.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, VictoriaS said:

it's called it's ok that you're not ok by Megan Devine

That is a good book, and one that our pastor has often referenced.

I agree with you about suicide, I had a good friend commit suicide last year, and another 16 years ago, it is very hard impacting on the family and friends.

 

[VictoriaS]

It's been 21 weeks since he passed. I can't stand to be around many people. Seeing everyone's life going forward and his isn't is very upsetting. I pace around the house looking at everything, I try to write down how I feel, I try to make a point of calling his family members to check on them. Most just are going on with their everyday but I can't do that, I don't want to do that. Not without him. we both had our faith and believe in God but we didn't go to church, we didn't feel we had to to have our beliefs. But now I'm so mad at God, I don't understand why. I worry about everything now...to the point of excessive. Worrying about our dogs, worrying about my parents, worrying about everyone and everything. I have nightmares still. Not as many but I still have them. I have a great support system with my family and friends...but if I'm being honest I don't want it. I've never been that type of person who doesn't like being around people but that's how I feel. I take the dogs for walks to try and clear my head, I sit out on the patio for hours looking at the stars and wondering what is the point to everything. Yet I have no answers and I never will. I guess everyone here feels the same about not having answers. Anyone who is a year after or five years and so on have any words of wisdom or advice to share it welcome because I got nothing. 

[Sunflower2]

@VictoriaS understand what you are experiencing is all part of the grief process.  There are moments you feel you will not get through this.  The pain is excruciating. The loss is deep. You will get through this.  Add in outside family disruptions and your journey becomes more complex. I'm only 9 months into this and I just loss my mother on June 26th. My partners loss was sudden.  My mother's transition was tranquil.  With her death there were no amends, no unfinished business and no regrets.  The death of my partner was brutal, sudden, shattering, shocking. A heart attack. There was the unfinished business, the regrets, the what ifs and the not having the chance to say good bye.  Grief is horrific.  Listen to your body! I've found much support and comfort working with periodically with a holistic doctor, restorative yoga, essential oils, a strong support group, weekly therapy, a medium, salt floats, journaling, monthly massages etc. In the beginning of my journey I was taking 2-3 lavender bubble soaks a day!!!  I gently added these into my personalized grief work collection. You find what works for you.  what works one day might not work the next but could a month later. You create your grief toolbox. Create simple rituals.  You will begin to feel light and joy but with that you will learn to partner it with grief.  We can't have lightness without darkness.  Take "breathers" as you are able.  Something we need to do to keep our emotional health intact.  It is a fine balancing act.  It is also learning when to seek diversions and when to let the full intensity of our loss present itself. We learn by trial and error.  When the pressure begins to build and it will, that will be your signal that it is time to release that pressure by being present in our grief.  It sneaks up on us. Grief has an unspoken agenda.   There are several books that I have found useful.  You mentioned Megan Devine! Great one!  Research Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore (recommended by a member on this forum).  If interested, at some point, you may want to research The Smell of Rain on Dust by Martin Prechtel.  EMDR a wonderful choice for many.  I promise it does get lighter! xo

I wish you light and peace on this journey. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, VictoriaS said:

Most just are going on with their everyday but I can't do that, I don't want to do that.

Every relationship is different, so is every loss, even when it's the same person you're grieving.  You're being hardest hit for a reason, he was your world.

I remember wondering how in the world the sun could go on shining, I didn't see how it was possible, he was such a vibrant person, how could life continue!

I can relate to the anxiety/worry...I'm on medication for it now.  Even so, nighttime/sleep is hard to get through much of the time, I probably should up my medicine at night.  I've noticed when my allergies are acting up, Benedryl helps me sleep, a benefit I guess.

Here's a list of books that can be of help to the griever:  (credit here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429)

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew and George)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief  by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne) 

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

118. Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard (recommended by Anne)

119. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

120. Grief One Day At A Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss by Alan Wolfelt (recommended by Marg M)

121. The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck (recommended by Marty T)

122. Being There for Someone in Grief  by Marianna Cacciatore (recommended by Marty T)

123. Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of Men by Fell, Jones and Hochhaus (recommended by Marty T)

124. There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (recommended by Marty T)

125. Disaster Falls: A Family Story by Stephane Gerson (recommended by Marty T)

126. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant (recommended by iPraiseHim)

127. Never Long Enough by Rabbi Joseph Krakoff and Dr. Michelle Sider (recommended by Marty T)

128. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (recommended by kayc)

129. Bearing The Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore (recommended by Anne)

130. Ruthless Grieving: The Journey to Acceptance and Beyond by Susan Powers (recommended by TomPB)

131. Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in The Sorrow of Loss by Patrick O'Malley and Tim Madigan (recommended by Marty T)

132. We Get It: Voices of Grieving College Students and Young Adults by Heather Servaty-Seib and David Fajgenbaum (recommended by Marty T)

133. Life After the Diagnosis: Expert Advice on Living Well with Serious Illness for Patients and Caregivers by Steven Z. Pantilat, MD (recommended by Marty T)

134. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine (recommended by Anne and Marty T)

135. I Will Always Love You and I Will Always Love You Journal by Melissa Lyons (recommended by Marty T)

136. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown (recommended by Anne)

137. One Mindful Day at a Time: 365 Daily Meditations for Living in the Now by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

138. A to Z Healing Toolbox: A Practical Guide for Navigating Grief and Trauma with Intention by Susan Hannifin-MacNab (recommended by Marty T)

139. When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief by Anne-Marie Lockmyer (recommended by Marty T)

140. Heart Prayers: Poems, Prayers and Meditations by Peggy A. Haymes (recommended by Anne)

141. You Are Not Alone: A Heartfelt Guide for Grief, Healing, and Hope by Debbie Augenthaler (recommended by Marty T)

142.  When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Marty T)

143. The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life by Donald L. Rosenstein and Justin M. Yopp (recommended by Marty T)

[VictoriaS]

16 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

@VictoriaS understand what you are experiencing is all part of the grief process.  There are moments you feel you will not get through this.  The pain is excruciating. The loss is deep. You will get through this.  Add in outside family disruptions and your journey becomes more complex. I'm only 9 months into this and I just loss my mother on June 26th. My partners loss was sudden.  My mother's transition was tranquil.  With her death there were no amends, no unfinished business and no regrets.  The death of my partner was brutal, sudden, shattering, shocking. A heart attack. There was the unfinished business, the regrets, the what ifs and the not having the chance to say good bye.  Grief is horrific.  Listen to your body! I've found much support and comfort working with periodically with a holistic doctor, restorative yoga, essential oils, a strong support group, weekly therapy, a medium, salt floats, journaling, monthly massages etc. In the beginning of my journey I was taking 2-3 lavender bubble soaks a day!!!  I gently added these into my personalized grief work collection. You find what works for you.  what works one day might not work the next but could a month later. You create your grief toolbox. Create simple rituals.  You will begin to feel light and joy but with that you will learn to partner it with grief.  We can't have lightness without darkness.  Take "breathers" as you are able.  Something we need to do to keep our emotional health intact.  It is a fine balancing act.  It is also learning when to seek diversions and when to let the full intensity of our loss present itself. We learn by trial and error.  When the pressure begins to build and it will, that will be your signal that it is time to release that pressure by being present in our grief.  It sneaks up on us. Grief has an unspoken agenda.   There are several books that I have found useful.  You mentioned Megan Devine! Great one!  Research Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore (recommended by a member on this forum).  If interested, at some point, you may want to research The Smell of Rain on Dust by Martin Prechtel.  EMDR a wonderful choice for many.  I promise it does get lighter! xo

I wish you light and peace on this journey. 

Thank you. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner and your mother. My partner had a heart attack as well, he was only 47 and I found him. When I do sleep I was having horrible nightmares....now after a couple months of therapy and EMDR therapy I don't have them all the time but I still have them a couple times a week. My sister wants me to go see a medium, but I don't feel that is for me. I have essential oils and a great support group but I feel l don't want to be around a bunch of people. I'm trying, so at least there is that. I guess it's better than not. I sleep all the time and I'm still tired and still want more sleep. I know that's not healthy either. I like getting out and taking the dogs for a walk and try to clear my head. We built this life together for almost 11 years and I miss him so much it earth shattering. All I want is to have him back. But I know that's not going to happen. Thank you for your advice. I will try some more things and hopefully one will help. I wish you all the best. 

[VictoriaS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Every relationship is different, so is every loss, even when it's the same person you're grieving.  You're being hardest hit for a reason, he was your world.

I remember wondering how in the world the sun could go on shining, I didn't see how it was possible, he was such a vibrant person, how could life continue!

I can relate to the anxiety/worry...I'm on medication for it now.  Even so, nighttime/sleep is hard to get through much of the time, I probably should up my medicine at night.  I've noticed when my allergies are acting up, Benedryl helps me sleep, a benefit I guess.

Here's a list of books that can be of help to the griever:  (credit here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429)

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew and George)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief  by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne) 

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

118. Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard (recommended by Anne)

119. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

120. Grief One Day At A Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss by Alan Wolfelt (recommended by Marg M)

121. The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck (recommended by Marty T)

122. Being There for Someone in Grief  by Marianna Cacciatore (recommended by Marty T)

123. Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of Men by Fell, Jones and Hochhaus (recommended by Marty T)

124. There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (recommended by Marty T)

125. Disaster Falls: A Family Story by Stephane Gerson (recommended by Marty T)

126. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant (recommended by iPraiseHim)

127. Never Long Enough by Rabbi Joseph Krakoff and Dr. Michelle Sider (recommended by Marty T)

128. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (recommended by kayc)

129. Bearing The Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore (recommended by Anne)

130. Ruthless Grieving: The Journey to Acceptance and Beyond by Susan Powers (recommended by TomPB)

131. Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in The Sorrow of Loss by Patrick O'Malley and Tim Madigan (recommended by Marty T)

132. We Get It: Voices of Grieving College Students and Young Adults by Heather Servaty-Seib and David Fajgenbaum (recommended by Marty T)

133. Life After the Diagnosis: Expert Advice on Living Well with Serious Illness for Patients and Caregivers by Steven Z. Pantilat, MD (recommended by Marty T)

134. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine (recommended by Anne and Marty T)

135. I Will Always Love You and I Will Always Love You Journal by Melissa Lyons (recommended by Marty T)

136. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown (recommended by Anne)

137. One Mindful Day at a Time: 365 Daily Meditations for Living in the Now by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

138. A to Z Healing Toolbox: A Practical Guide for Navigating Grief and Trauma with Intention by Susan Hannifin-MacNab (recommended by Marty T)

139. When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief by Anne-Marie Lockmyer (recommended by Marty T)

140. Heart Prayers: Poems, Prayers and Meditations by Peggy A. Haymes (recommended by Anne)

141. You Are Not Alone: A Heartfelt Guide for Grief, Healing, and Hope by Debbie Augenthaler (recommended by Marty T)

142.  When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Marty T)

143. The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life by Donald L. Rosenstein and Justin M. Yopp (recommended by Marty T)

Yes the anti depressant helps but I still have panic attacks and anxiety. I am just getting able to function at work, it's difficult, I work in healthcare and deal with a lot. It would be easier if I was a librarian or I would love to be a professional dog walker ( I prefer animals over people ) ....but that won't pay the bills. Thank you for your list of recommended books. I'll let you know how this one is I'm reading now.