My mom died in a terrible car accident

[Gracie101]

I am 24 years old. March 19, 2018 is the day my mom died in a horrific car accident. The car itself was crushed once it hit the tree, and my mom wasn't wearing her seatbelt when she fell asleep at the wheel. She was ejected through the sunroof and landed on a barbwire fence, she died immediately. She was leaving my house to grab the rest of her things to move in with me. My last words to her were, "You're coming back Friday?" -yes "For good?" -for good! "Okay, I love you mom" -I love you, too baby. 

I went to work and started to panic when my moms friend reached out to me to say she never made it to work. She never misses work. I got to my job and went straight into the office with tears in my eyes, I barely got out the words, "I'm really worried about my mom" before my phone rang. When I answered it I heard, "This is investigator ......, you need to come home". And in that moment, I screamed. My heart hurt in a way I have never experienced before. I knew she was dead, I screamed and begged him to tell me if she was dead. I couldn't drive. I was heartbroken. I would never wish anyone to go through that. My precious mom. 

I wear the ring she was wearing when she died. I spray her perfume, I open the shirt that was found tangled in her hands on the side of the road and I breathe it in. I play her voice on my phone and I hold her ashes and I do every possible thing I can to feel close to my mother, but she no longer exists. She is only ashes in a box. My sweet mom, my precious mom, no longer exists. My best friend in this life, the one who got me, understood my heart when no one else did. She'll never get to be a grandma, or see my wedding, or do any of the things she always wanted to do. In her storage shed are baby books and toys she has collected throughout my life for the day she could get to be a grammy, now that will never happen. It absolutely wrecks me to the core to accept that. 

 

Two weeks ago I was going through some more of her things and I found letters. There were letters to me, my dad, my grandma, sister, brother, her brother, and her dear friends. They were suicide letters. My mom died in a violent car accident by falling asleep leaving my house and then I find out she was going to kill herself at some point. In it she writes, "No anger my dear one, no anger" and "you are my best pal and closest companion", and I am wrecked by this. I am so devastated.

 

Since I lost mom I have done some really wreckless and stupid things. I've taken copious amounts of pills and been drunk pretty much 7 days a week. Lately I've tried to cut out the alcohol and focus on working out and eating healthy but I screwed up and went on a 3 day bender. Woke up after a night out covered in my own vomit. I've had sex with people I wouldn't have sex with normally, and cheated and lied. Immediately after mom died I called an ex boyfriend from 4 or 5 years ago and told him to just come over so we could hook up. I cried, I was hammered, it was atrocious. I feel so empty and lost, I am not coping well, my entire family is deeply concerned. I am suffering so badly and I cannot cope with losing my mom. 

[reader]

Dear Gracie,

I am so sorry for your deep pain and sorrow. It is devastating to lose your beloved mom in such a horrific way. I can hear how hard it has been for you.

Please know you are not alone. I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community. There are many resources in the community. We all need a lot of support and love during this sad and difficult time.

We are all with you and thinking of you. I also want to suggest these websites as additional resources.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

Grief is a very long journey. It is horribly raw and painful. Take care your time and be as gentle with yourself as you can.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.