Lost

[LostInTheMadness]

Lost my best friend and my soulmate two months ago and not sure if this pain will ever fade. He was an addict for the majority of our life together and I have so much guilt for all the awful things I said and did after each relapse. I never could understand why he’d always go back. He always forgave me for my mean words I said when I was upset and we always made up. But now with him gone all I can remember is those mean words. I haven’t dreamed of him once since his passing.... I woke up and found him dead of an overdose. My world crashed... besides the guilt of my actions, and words the hardest part is just being his girlfriend. It’s like my loss is less as I was not his wife. I lost the best part of me and not sure if I’ll ever recover.

[vernkathy]

Lost,

I am deeply sorry for your loss.I lost my husband of 30 years last year at the end of December. I have a son who he doesn't think so, but he has an addictive personality among other emotional issues. His Father, my husband, worried about him dying from the different drugs he was taking.   Almost every friend of his from his childhood has passed away from an overdose. Your boyfriend could not help the relapses. With that said, you are not to feel guilty by the things you said.  It is very hard to love, let alone live, with an addict. You just were frustrated that he could get away from it and live a health life. I know he knew you loved him very much. He forgave you for the things you said because deep down inside he knew he was hurting you. Even though you were not married doesn't make your grief any less than the rest of us who were married. You had a bond and when that person leaves us, it leaves a hole inside of us. I am just passed 6 months and the pain almost takes my breath away at times. He was my soulmate, my confidant, my friend.  I am told it gets better in the sense that the pain isn't quit as sharp as in the beginning. I am going to say something that I have hated others saying and the reason is, it doesn't make my pain hurt any less. Just know that he is no longer tormented by the demon of the drug that he overdosed on. He is in a better place finally free from it.  It is just so sad he wasn't able to overcome it here. I don't know how old he was, but really our partners are never old enough to leave us. I will pray for you as you grieve, for grieve you will, there is know way around it.  You will keep playing over and over the last thing he said to you and remembering your response, wishing your had said more or not said what you said. It's normal and all apart of this journey.  Take care and keep posting. Just know there are so many of us suffering this part of life called grief. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, LostInTheMadness said:

Lost my best friend and my soulmate two months ago and not sure if this pain will ever fade. He was an addict for the majority of our life together and I have so much guilt for all the awful things I said and did after each relapse. I never could understand why he’d always go back. He always forgave me for my mean words I said when I was upset and we always made up. But now with him gone all I can remember is those mean words. I haven’t dreamed of him once since his passing.... I woke up and found him dead of an overdose. My world crashed... besides the guilt of my actions, and words the hardest part is just being his girlfriend. It’s like my loss is less as I was not his wife. I lost the best part of me and not sure if I’ll ever recover.

Oh Hon, my heart just breaks for the burden you carry!  He loved you, he knew there was some truth to your words, that's why he accepted it, he undoubtedly wished he didn't use, wished he could get past it, but he loves you and doesn't feel ill spirited towards you.  Forgive yourself, you're human, you wanted what was best for him, regardless of how it came out.  It's hard being with an addict, very hard, and now your worst fears have come to pass, it's not fair to you.

Please don't think your being his GF was any lesser than being his wife, to him you were everything, just as he was to you.  It's the relationship, not the piece of paper.  

We aren't ever the same again after such a loss as this, but we can get through it, I'm walking proof of that.  It's been 13 years for me, I don't know how it could be that long, but it is.  My mom had to live 33 years after my dad died.  One day at a time...

I want to share this with you also, I wrote it 12 years into my journey, of what I've learned, what's helped me.  I hope something in it will help you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[LostInTheMadness]

Thank you both for your kind words. My boyfriend was the definition of amazing. When he was sober he was the hardest worker (even while using he would work everyday all day) I miss his sense of humor and I miss having my person. His family doesn’t understand my loss, and doesn’t really acknowledge it as important...  

I am not sure how I’ll go on or ever move on. No one can replace him for me

[KayC]

Of course no one can replace him, no one can replace any of our partners.  They were special to us for a reason!

I am just sorry his family is being insensitive, I hope it improves in time.