Renewal in loss

[Spengler]

I heard this tonight on the NPR program, "Hidden Brain." There can be renewal in loss. And that there are "many houses we can live in."

 

I am no longer living in the "house" of Anita and myself. It is gone and I am no longer part of a couple. But I can find, or build, another "house." This is part of answer to my question: If Anita has passed away, why am I still here? What does the Lord intend for me? What is my purpose in my tenure here among the living? . . . It is for me to seek, and hopefully find renewal. To learn new skills. To reach out to others, and to help them if they need it. It is to let go of the anger and the fear that have accumulated inside me during all these years. It is to finally, finally find a path to do that which has always been most difficult for me: to accept my own flaws, to forgive myself.

[LoveGoli]

3 hours ago, Spengler said:

I heard this tonight on the NPR program, "Hidden Brain." There can be renewal in loss. And that there are "many houses we can live in."

 

I am no longer living in the "house" of Anita and myself. It is gone and I am no longer part of a couple. But I can find, or build, another "house." This is part of answer to my question: If Anita has passed away, why am I still here? What does the Lord intend for me? What is my purpose in my tenure here among the living? . . . It is for me to seek, and hopefully find renewal. To learn new skills. To reach out to others, and to help them if they need it. It is to let go of the anger and the fear that have accumulated inside me during all these years. It is to finally, finally find a path to do that which has always been most difficult for me: to accept my own flaws, to forgive myself.

Do you think we will ever able to do that.

[KayC]

I have.  It's taken years, much time, but I have adjusted as much as one can, found purpose for my life, built a life I can live...it's not the same as my life before was, not at all the same, but it's one I can do.  

[Spengler]

Sometimes after a tree is blasted by lightning, it puts out new green shoots and somehow manages to survive. It's not the same tree, but it's still a tree.

[LeannC45]

15 hours ago, Spengler said:

I heard this tonight on the NPR program, "Hidden Brain." There can be renewal in loss. And that there are "many houses we can live in."

 

I am no longer living in the "house" of Anita and myself. It is gone and I am no longer part of a couple. But I can find, or build, another "house." This is part of answer to my question: If Anita has passed away, why am I still here? What does the Lord intend for me? What is my purpose in my tenure here among the living? . . . It is for me to seek, and hopefully find renewal. To learn new skills. To reach out to others, and to help them if they need it. It is to let go of the anger and the fear that have accumulated inside me during all these years. It is to finally, finally find a path to do that which has always been most difficult for me: to accept my own flaws, to forgive myself.

I thank you for this share. I read something about liminal space which is a transition from your old life the tried and true to an in between place before starting a new. It really made sense to me that there is an opportunity for learning and understanding if we are open to receiving. I am having a very hard time since my husband passed but I am trying like HELL to find what I am supposed to learn.

[Nely]

I really need advise here. I have my story shared in a thread titled " loss of a Partner". It's been 2 months and 8 days since my husband passed. To say it's been difficult is to say the least. 

 

I have been with my parent since the incident as I could not do any chores for myself nor our child since the incident. Now I can eat at least without any push. I can also do the laundry. I cooked for our son, for the first time since it happened something this week.

 

The issue is, I have been looking for another place to move to as I couldn't imagine going back to the place I once shared as home with my husband. The search hasn't yielded any results. The issue with staying further at my parent place is that there so many other people here and I can't seem to focus. As I  really don't have a space here anymore, some little things happening around me compounds my grief.

 

I don't know if going back is the best option or I should be patient and get another place. I'm going crazy. I just can't seem to figure things out anymore. Please help.

 

I'm sorry about your losses

[KayC]

It sounds like you are feeling the urge to get your own place, so maybe that is your answer, but you'd have to take on everything, the cooking, laundry, etc.  Are you financially able to live on your own, do you need to work?

[LJCM]

19 hours ago, Nely said:

I really need advise here. I have my story shared in a thread titled " loss of a Partner". It's been 2 months and 8 days since my husband passed. To say it's been difficult is to say the least. 

 

I have been with my parent since the incident as I could not do any chores for myself nor our child since the incident. Now I can eat at least without any push. I can also do the laundry. I cooked for our son, for the first time since it happened something this week.

 

The issue is, I have been looking for another place to move to as I couldn't imagine going back to the place I once shared as home with my husband. The search hasn't yielded any results. The issue with staying further at my parent place is that there so many other people here and I can't seem to focus. As I  really don't have a space here anymore, some little things happening around me compounds my grief.

 

I don't know if going back is the best option or I should be patient and get another place. I'm going crazy. I just can't seem to figure things out anymore. Please help.

 

I'm sorry about your losses

I am sorry for your loss. I too have not been alone since my darling husband passed almost 2 months ago. We have 2 young children. My mother came to stay from the day and I actually came back with her as I was not "ready" to go at this alone.... Next week the kids and I will go home and I am very nervous and scared and I think that's going to hit us just as bad as the day itself. 

We had recently built our home together and my husband had many projects on the go. I feel it is my duty to fulfill these visions of his for these projects, however bloody hard it is for me. My husband was an outdoor guy and loved his garden etc so I need to do this for him. 

In saying that, I have not been alone in our house so I just hope I can do this for him. Our children are at school and I do need to go back to work eventually as the bills don't stop. I have a lot of support but let's hope that's enough to get us through this. 

I agree with Kayc, you sound like you want to go down that path. We are all with you, no matter what your decision. 

[Nely]

 

 

 

@KayC and LJCM , Thank you for your responses. I'm really grateful. To give you a little background. My love and I got married in 2015 . Shortly before the wedding we rented an apartment where we can both live in as husband and wife. It's a rented place and not our personal property. We 're both so much into ourselves that I can hardly stay alone in a day whenever he travels. I'm always on phone with him as much as time permits after such calls, I retire early so as the day can go by and for my love to return back to me. We did everything together in the house. I can picture he's movements around the place even while here in my parent's house. I am a bit reluctant going back for some reasons. 1. The memories there will be so real that I wonder if I can survive the hurts. I am certain every single activity will remind me of him, from the bed to the bathroom to the sitting room to the kitchen, you just name it. 2. The owners of the property stay in the same premises with us, it's just us and them. I can tell you that they are not nice people at all. As a matter of fact, I'd wanted us to leave that place since 2016 but for some reasons, we couldn't move out  till this incident. They have also not shown care or support since my husband passed and I can only imagine the pain of being around them all by myself. Since I left there, they haven't even reached out to me for a day. 3. Going back to the house my complicate issues with my in-laws as they are bent on sending someone to stay there forgetting that it's a rented place and not considering whether or not I can fend for another now that my husband is not physically here.

 

@KayC, yes I work. My bosses  are very supportive and understanding. They allowed me more than 2 months after the sad occurrence. I have been allowed to resume and spend few hours at work and increase the number of hours overtime.

 

Back to the main issue, it's so difficult for me now. Much as I would want to go to a new apartment, I believe that will be wiping away the vivid memory all too soon and I don't think I want that.

Truth is, if not for my son, I'd probably not be on my feet now, also, I would not hAve considered going back to work. Bit it would seem that I need to be up and doing to care for the child that resulted from the love we "share". Though mostimes, I feel directionless and that's why I feel going back to live away from my family may help me understand this new life I now have. I wish I'm not going through this. I just wish this isn't part of what we have to go through. My husband and I share a special bond, love that his SUDDEN death has so much shook me that I wonder if I can ever get through this. I have lost all weight that nothing fits anymore

 

Thank you all for the support. I'm grateful

[KayC]

My husband's death was also sudden and unexpected.  I was in shock for some time.  There are physical manifestations to such grief.  I'm glad you have support at work, I did too, until the job ended, it was the beginning of the recession and I found myself having to look for another job with no one to help me through this.  Somehow we get through even this, one day at a time.

I'm sorry your landlords are so uncaring.  You will make your move when you are ready.  Just know that however YOU decide to handle this is YOUR decision to make, everyone is different and I think if we listen to our inner voice we'll know what we are to do and when.