I miss my little bichon maltese

[Gucci's mommy]

I remember getting my little bichon Maltese at the pet shop 13 years ago. I knew nothing about dogs, all I knew was I fell in love with that little fur ball in that pet shop window. I lived with my parents when I bought her, I was 21. I moved out of my parents at 24 years old and my little Gucci followed me everywhere. At 27 I bought my first condo and Gucci was still with me. I always knew that one day Id have to eventually say bye to her but didn't want to imagine or even think of it. 3 weeks ago, I felt that Gucci was sleeping more and lost a lot of weight. I knew it was almost time. Then it happened suddenly, she did not eat for one day, she did not want to eat, drink or play. I woke up at night and i heard her fall trying to walk towards the door to do #2. it had an awful smell and it was liquid and black. I cleaned her and held her in my arms that night and I told her ' mommy will always love you, mommy will always be with you' and massaged her to sleep. The next morning, she was breathing heavy and I called the vet to set an appointment to put her to rest. I was crying, balling my eyes out, never felt this kind of pain in my life. I have seen my sister go through and survive breast cancer at 28, I saw my uncle and my grandfather pass, I witnessed my little sister get brutally attacked but the loss of my fur baby Gucci really really hurt me. the appointment at the vet was set for 6h30 pm, to me it was ok because i wanted to bring my bf with me. but at 2pm, she was in her bed and i heard a noise from her stomach and then, poop came out while she was laying in her bed. She didn't move at all, she layed there which i was very unusual of her. I rushed to the phone and called my vet and told them I need to put her out of her misery as soon as possible. at 3pm, I was at the vet, alone, since everyone was working. I couldn't recognise my baby, it's as if her soul had left her body. she was looking at me but with empty eyes. I was crying like a baby which i regret doing because they say pets can feel your pain and I did not want her to feel my pain before she passed. The vet told me she couldn't give Gucci the first shot that slows down the heart rate because she was already breathing really slow. She told me she would have to give her the 2nd shot right away and that shot would stop the heart beat right away. I said goodbye to my little baby and walked out. I didnt have the courage the stay in the room while they gave her the shot and i did not want to see her body after her soul was gone. it was a traumatizing event for me and i did not want to have those last memories stuck in my head. I cried. I was hurt. I felt guilty for working long hours and leaving her at home. I missed her already. I tried to tell myself she is in puppy heaven and not suffering anymore but I keep on crying. I lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks. I dont have appetite. I got her ashes and I kept them with me in my room where she used to sleep. Ive never lived alone without her, now my condo feels empty and lonely. I cry everyday. I know with time, things will get better but for now, I just don't recognise me. I still go to work and see my friends but when i get home, I cry and cry and cry. I feel angry and guilty. Im thankful for my parents who took care of her when i was working long hours and left her there. I don't want to get another pet because I know I work alot and one day, my heart is going to get broken again.

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't eat after losing our cat (who was like our child.) so I know what you are going through. It is really traumatic. And when you are so helpless to stop it too. We all seem to turn immediately to guilt and all we did or did not do for them. You both had a wonderful life together full of love. She was lucky to have you as much as you were lucky to have her. Please don't forget that. 

I got another cat a few months after losing our wonderful cat b/c I don't enjoy life as much without an animal (I love dogs but more a cat person.) So yes, once again I risk the horrible loss. But it is just how life is. Maybe when you are ready, take your time, you will give another dog a home who needs one so desperately. 

[SpencerK]

I'm so so sorry for your loss - I cannot even bring myself to make a full post about my Meags dieing.  In these times of pain, after reading basically this whole forum - I do not think there is a decent solution to our suffering, might be me being negative, but there are things we can do to soften the pain, but it will never go. 

Take care

Spencer

[KayC]

@Gucci's mommy  I am so sorry, I kn ow how painful it is, I've lost many pets over my lifetime, my husband too, both parents, niece, nephew, friends...losing my pets and husband was the hardest, they're so sweet and loving and part of your everyday existence, so entwined with your life, the hole seems huge when they go.  Keep your mind and heart open, don't make a decision right now while you're heavy in grief.  To make a decision based on fear is to maybe deprive yourself of something wonderful.  I feel as AJW does, life would miss so much without a pet companion.  I'm glad you had your parents there for her and I'm sure they filled her days while you were at work.  That's what grandparents are for!

Wishing you some peace in the days ahead, I know it takes much time to adjust, you're heavy in the throes of grief, give yourself time to heal, plenty of understanding and patience.