My big brother

[Taylor_a]

My brother had just turned 19 when he passed. It was really sudden and never would I have imagined that I would experience this at 16. Me and him never got a long but I loved him a lot. I don’t want to cry and be sad infront of my parents. I know they are hurting way more than I am. I can hear my mom crying at night when she thinks I’m sleeping or not around. Hanging out with my friends helps a little bit as kind of an escape from reality and I think that’s why I don’t go home a lot because I’m afraid to see my parents cry or I don’t want to cry infront of them. I miss him so much and I always will. When it’s night and I’m in bed by myself that’s when it’s the worst. I just keep replaying what happend over and over in my head. My parents screaming crying, how trey must have felt and how scared he was. How it is so unfair. I love him so much and I really hope this gets better

[AllieJM]

Hi Taylor.. my names Allie. A few years ago I lost my older brother suddenly too. I was 23.. he was 28. I just wanted to share with you that I had some of those feelings as well the first week.. I didn’t want to be around my family.. it hurt too much to see their devastation. I later realized that I had a right to cry too.. and that my crying did not make my mother feel worse, but rather let her know she was not alone in the pain. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. One piece of advice that was given to me from a counselor was to not judge myself for how I grieve. She told me everyone deals with loss in their own way.. and however I need to grieve is ok. Talking to a counselor does help somewhat, even if it’s just to vent and verbalize my feelings. I am so sorry you’ve had to feel this pain too and at such a young age. I don’t know how recent it was for you, but for me the sharpness of the pain has gotten better with time. There are some days where it feels fresh.. but I also have some days where I can remember my brother and think of a happy memory and smile. My brother and I didn’t always get along either, but I believe deep down my brother knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. You are stronger than you know. Sending love to you and your family. If you ever want to talk, I would like to be there for you. I just discovered this forum so I’m not too sure how it works yet. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.. 

[Taylor_a]

I think me and my mom are gonna go to couseling. I think about trey everyday and how I wish we would have been closer. And I can’t help but feel angry that he was so stupid (he dropped a loaded gun and it shot him) I wish he never wanted a gun. I find myself in denial I feel like it’s easier to just pretend he’s moved out or at a friends house. I don’t wanna face the fact that he’s gone Bc I feel like if I do then it’s not gonna get better