Members Spengler Posted July 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2018 My wife passed away early in May, just short of our 30th wedding anniversary. It was at the end of a long illness, and her passing was expected, but still it hit me like a hammer blow. I'm part of a local grieving support group, and that is very helpful. But I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I've never been good with feelings. My wife was the Keeper of Feelings for the both of us. It's a roller coaster of emotions -- sometimes I'm okay, then my heart starts pounding and ... I have to box up her clothes in the basement for the Salvation Army to pick them up, but I can't do it. Every time I look at a tee shirt of hers or a dress, I remember how she looked in them, and I have to stop. It's hard. I have many good memories, but even the good ones threaten to bring on tears, and I can't permit myself to cry because it would upset my grandchildren. Well, I'll pull through. Others have done it, and so can I. And I can't set a bad example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BillInMelbourne Posted July 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2018 Yep. Big boys don't cry, at least that's what we were taught. How wrong they were. I'm the size of an NFL linebacker and this literally brought me to my knees. Still just comes out sometimes for me. And these feelings? I never knew I had them either, still have a hard time with what to do with them. We men aren't supposed to have those we were told. A female friend told me they are your feelings so they are never wrong, it's what you do with them that can be right or wrong. I don't know either. I do know there are no rules when it comes to boxing things up, go at your own speed, the heck with what anyone else thinks. Some stuff I had to get out right away some is still here. You can do it, I rely on God's help, it's really the only comfort I've had. I don't think we set a bad example for anyone by grieving, I'm not sure but I think maybe it shows how much we loved them. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this. Hardest thing ever. So sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted July 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2018 Just a thought - Instead of boxing up her tshirts and so one, why not do what I did...my beloved husband passed away on April 26 very very suddenly...we had been together 40 years and it was a week shy of our 28th wedding anniversary. I had heard about something called Project Repat and I sent his favorite tshirts, and the ones he had collected from our vacations, etc. and they made a quilt out of them. Now I don't have just a pile of clothes, I have something I can wrap myself in and have for a long long time as a tangible memory. I cry every time I touch it, but it has almost as much meaning as some photos. Also, my Tom cried at commercials...and he was more of a man than any other I have ever known....it helped our children learn that being emotional is not unmanly, but, rather, very very human. Don't think about setting examples...anyone who doesn't respect your feelings or your tears doesn't understand true love and isn't worth your attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted July 6, 2018 14 hours ago, Spengler said: I have to box up her clothes in the basement for the Salvation Army to pick them up, but I can't do it. You don't "have" to do it. You can keep them the rest of your life or ten years, or get rid of them today, it's all up to you and no one should criticize you for how YOU choose to handle it! You will know if/when the time is right. To do so a day sooner than that is excruciating. 14 hours ago, Spengler said: I can't permit myself to cry because it would upset my grandchildren. It's okay to cry. It's okay for MEN to cry! If ever you had good reason to, it is now. Tears are like the release valve on a pressure cooker. I don't know if you've ever watched a pressure cooker, but it's sealed and when it's on high, the pressure goes up tremendously. There is a valve that lets off steam and after it's done that for seven minutes, you cover it and turn the heat down to the desired level to bring the pressure to the poundage needed to cook what's contained in the jars for the length of time needed. When we're grieving it can feel like a pressure cooker, like we're bearing more than we can handle, and tears are like that release valve, letting off some of that built up pressure. We need them. Not only that, but in allowing ourselves to grieve, it helps us process our grief. It's not altogether bad for children to see us cry, to witness our grief. It helps them in realizing that it's okay to miss someone they love, it's okay to express it, to be comfortable in their own skin and in expressing their own pain. "Big boys don't cry" isn't realistic. My son has never been one to show much emotion because that's how his dad raised him. At the time of my George's death (his stepfather), he was in the Airforce. He called and said, "Mom, I just don't know what's the matter with me! I wake up crying, I'll be at work and start crying!" I told him, "Son, you're grieving. Everyone there understands that. It's okay to cry, it's normal. It won't always feel this intense, but you need time to adjust." I am very sorry for your loss. I don't think there's anything harder than this. Every day we get through one more day of this we are to be credited, it's damned tough! And Betsy's idea is a great one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Spengler Posted July 7, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2018 Thank you, all, for your understanding and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laney Posted July 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2018 I'm So sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband and the thought of packing up anything is completely out of the question, so I can understand how you feel. I agree with others and my GriefShare support group also said, we don't have to pack up or get rid of things. Only when we want to and are ready to. I've never felt pain like this in my life, these feelings are so hard to take.. I'm on that same roller coaster... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Spengler Posted July 20, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2018 What has finally become clear to me is that I am not grieving for my wife. She has shed her pain-wracked, broken body and her passing was a mercy. For her it was a mercy. For me it was a tragic loss. I am not grieving for her. I am grieving for my loss, for the loss of the companionship and affection we shared. Not for the loss of love. I still love her and always will. For the loss of the tangible manifestation of her love. I am grieving for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted July 20, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2018 1 hour ago, Spengler said: I am not grieving for her. I am grieving for my loss, for the loss of the companionship and affection we shared. Not for the loss of love. My beloved husband, my partner of 40 years, died less than two weeks after it was confirmed that he had incurable and previously undetected liver cancer. This was only two weeks prior to your loss. We had no clue. I am still reeling and spend a fair amount of time staring into space...But he said a few things to me that stick in my mind that may help (although it doesn't make it any easier, I might add). First, my Tom said "Betsy, my love...I have the easy part. I just have to close my eyes. You have the hard part. You have to go on without me, you have to be you AND me for the children and our (brand new) grandson. So you have the hard part, and for that, because I love you so very much, I am truly sorry". One of the other things he said had to do with "stuff" or "things"...he said "When you are ready, don't cling to things...they are just things. Just because I wore it, saw it, bought it or touched it doesn't mean you have to keep it. Keep what is important, sure...but don't hoard because you think it harms my memory or legacy to give it to someone else. There are too many people out there who might not have a pair of jeans or a warm jacket...please do the right thing". So, very little by very little, I have put his jeans and his socks and shoes and some other things in a box and given them to a place that helps the needy. But not everything. Bit by bit. And I am not listening to anyone who says "it's time", but rather to those who say "take your time" or "there is no right way to do this, just however it is right for you". Anyone who says otherwise doesn't "get it". I hope that helps a tiny bit. I am also grieving for the companionship, for the laughter, for the friendship, for the hugs, the hand holding and the tangible love. And I will every day for the rest of my life. I cannot conceive, still, of life without him, of going anywhere without him, of experiencing anything without him. I don't want to travel, to go out to a restaurant, to even go to a movie because he is not there with me. So, Spengler, I get it. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 20, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted July 20, 2018 2 hours ago, Spengler said: What has finally become clear to me is that I am not grieving for my wife. She has shed her pain-wracked, broken body and her passing was a mercy. For her it was a mercy. For me it was a tragic loss. I am not grieving for her. I am grieving for my loss, for the loss of the companionship and affection we shared. Not for the loss of love. I still love her and always will. For the loss of the tangible manifestation of her love. I am grieving for myself. You are 100% right. We ARE grieving for our loss because it was huge! For them, they are out of their suffering, their struggles, the pain is transferred to us, the living, who bear our pain alone. 1 hour ago, BetsyD said: "there is no right way to do this, just however it is right for you". So true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Spengler Posted July 23, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2018 Because I needed to get out and be among people again, I had started taking line dancing lessons at the local Senior Center about a month ago. Well, just this morning while looking for something else I found an old note from my wife. She must have written it seven or eight years ago, before she lost the use of her right hand. It's spooky, but it's also an affirmation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 24, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted July 24, 2018 Oh my gosh! Wow! Perfectly timed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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