Missing My Mom

[Aibrean]

It's been 20 months since my Mom took her last breath. Twenty months since seeing the life leave her body. I am so glad I was there with her, but at the same time, I will never forget how she looked, the smells, the sounds, and the finality of it all. It has changed me. I will never be the same again. I miss her so much. I wish I could talk to her again and I worry that I will forget all the things that she said to me the few months before she died. It still feels like a bad dream. I keep hoping that I will wake up one day and things will be like they had always been. I miss her sound judgement and practical advise, her mischievous sense of humor, and her valiant optimism. She was more than my Mom, she was my best friend. The best word that I can think of to describe how I feel is "bereft." Or to put it in a more visual way - I feel like I'm adrift in the middle of ocean. I can see land, but it's a bit away. I'm tired and it's getting dark. There are sharks swimming around me. There is a light in the distance, but do I have enough energy to swim to shore?

It feels like I have been living my life at 100 miles per hour since her death. Her passing started a fire in me to get busy living my life. It made me all too aware how short our lives on this Earth really is. I've been on hyper drive to accomplish everything that I've ever wanted. I've taken her best advice and surpassed it. She always used to say that if I felt down or depressed, get up and find something to do, keep myself busy. That's exactly what I've done, but according to the hospice grief counselors - I should slow down and allow myself to grieve. Grieving sucks! Who wants to sit around and cry all day? I find ways to distract myself to the point of exhaustion. Most of the time this "method" works.....until I get sick and can't keep myself busy. So then...I obsess about the most mundane things in my mind. I put forth every kind of effort that I can think of, just so I can avoid the muck and the mire of feeling sad. But alas, it cannot be avoided. Grief comes in the most unexpected times. The tears fall and the grieving begins again. When will these feelings stop? When will I ever feel truly happy again? When will the void get a little bit smaller so that I can get through the day? I am forever changed. I read a quote the other day that was absolutely brilliant - "the light can only come in through the cracks." I am broken. There are gaping holes in my heart. Somehow, some way I have to put myself back together again and move forward. I am alive and I'm still here. I have no choice but to move forward - without her. My sons are what keeps me going and gives me a purpose to get up and go to work. But when will I stop just existing and start living again?

 

[reader]

Dear Aibrean,

I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow. I think you ask a question that we all have on our mind. None of us have a road map and do what we think is best.

I feel that way too since my dad's passing. After all the reading I have done I feel its a gradual journey. From what you are saying you are living but it is hard carrying on without our beloved parents by our side. I feel like how can I still be on this earth without my dad? It doesn't feel natural although this has been the journey since the beginning of time.

Keep writing and talking it out with us. I know others will share their experiences too.

Take care. Thinking of you.