guilt over mom's death

[sha]

some background info--i don't have children so i view my pet bunnies as my children.  in 2000 and 2001, i lost 3 bunnies and each time i blamed myself for their deaths. i was beside myself with guilt and i could not listen to the radio for six years because i did not feel as if i deserved any pleasure. i had so many regrets on the things i did wrong or should have done. i did not know about therapy at the time so i just suffered in silence.  however, years later, i finally did seek therapy and i was able to let go some of the guilt.  however, with each bunny's passing, new guilts came about. i always blamed myself for their deaths.  it was a hellish existence.  i eventually was left with 2 boy bunnies. they lived separated.

all this time, my mom had been living on her own. i lived down the street and visited her every day. as mom got older, i worried about her living alone.  but my mom was always very self-sufficient and she said why don't we leave things as they were. she did not want to move in with me and her building did not allow pets so i did not see how i could move in with her because at the time, i could not bring myself to give up my bunnies.  i was so attached to them. i had rescued one of them after he had had a horrific accident at his former owner's place in which he lost an eye and nursing him back to health bonded me so deeply to him. plus it is not easy to find a good home for a bunny. they can be destructive and i didn't want them relegated to a cage for the rest of their lives. i foolishly thought that no one could care for them as well as i could.  still, i kept telling my mom i worried she was by herself. we tried the 'life alert' system but she did not like it.  then my neighbor said i was too complacent about mom's situation and that i should really be living with her. she was so right.  so i started to plan my move up to mom's place. i adopted 2 girl bunnies so that my boy bunnies would have a companion. i wanted them to have a companion so i would not feel guilty when i left them to move in with mom.  but it takes time to bond bunnies together and i took too long. i got the girls in december and the bonding ended in january. but then one of the bunnies began to have all kinds of ailments. i was so busy caring for him that the move to mom's place was again postponed.  then one day i found my mom dead on the floor of her apartment. i think it must have been a heart attack. (no autopsy was done)  she had had chest pains a month before and we had gone to emergency but they had not found anything significant. the day she died, she had spoken to her best friend in the morning and she had not mentioned anything was wrong. anyways, the guilt that i felt was overwhelming. i could not function. if only i had moved in with her.. i am sure i could have found a good home for my bunnies if i had looked harder. or i could have put cameras at my place so i could watch over them that way. all things i thought of in hindsight.  of course mom could have died even if i had moved in with her but at least i would know that i had tried everything in my power to keep her safe. i had been so worried about the guilt i would feel if my bunnies died because of my previous experience with guilt when the first bunnies died, that it overshadowed my concern about mom living on her own.   plus i think deep down i did not believe anything would happen to her. she was always so vibrant, independent and capable.

it's been ten years since mom's death. the guilt had subsided for a few years but is now resurfacing. i cannot change anything. i feel terrible. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Sha,

I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I feel for you and my thoughts are with you in your grief. Circumstances change so quickly and there’s no way to predict the future. There was no way to know that was going to happen. I’m sure you did everything for your mom that you could at the time with everything that was happening. You’re carrying around a heavy burden and I pray you can set it down with more time. I think a lot of us look back on our loved ones passing thinking I wish I...or I should have...or maybe if...Guilt in grief is one of the hardest emotions. I pray about forgiving myself and setting down my feelings of wishing I got to my brother sooner. It didn’t happen, I didn’t find him in time and I get so upset knowing I couldn’t/ can’t change it...so...I feel my feelings (painful, guilt, regret, sadness, hurt) and then remind myself I’m human and I didn’t cause it to happen. He would want me to try and move forward and heal the best I can. When those feelings surface I also try and breath deep and think of letting go of those feelings. I picture the feelings floating away from me. But it’s also so hard when feelings resurface and feels like it’s so fresh. I hope you’ll be gentle on yourself during this time. We are here and we care.

[reader]

Dear Sha,

I'm sorry to hear how hard it is to have these feelings of guilt. From what you wrote I know you loved your mom a lot.

That is the hardest part of life. Looking back and feeling like if only we did the one the could changed the outcome for our parent. I struggle with this too. I really found these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common.

Maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a grief support group in the community. We all need to talk and get our thoughts and feelings out.

Take care. Thinking of you.

[sha]

Thank you GrievingMySibling for your kind words. I am sorry you have felt guilty about not reaching your brother in time. I don't know what happened with him but as you said, we couldn't foretell what was going to happen. I agree that guilt is one of the hardest emotions to cope with. I know my mom would not want me to be unhappy like this but I just wish I had been  more proactive about her situation.  I really was too complacent and she was never one to complain. I know my guilt is affecting my health. What is also hard is in order to function in regular life and work, I have had to repress my pain and put up a facade and I really hate having to do that.  I don't have peace in my heart. I have sought therapy but I still struggle.

[sha]

Dear Reader,  Thank your for your kind words.  I have tried grief counseling and one grief support group but they didn't help me that much. I will definitely look up those websites that you suggested. I am so tired of feeling bad.  Thank you again.