Liver cancer took my beloved husband without warning

[BetsyD]

On April 26, my beloved husband died at home. This was a man who was incredibly diligent about his health care - annual physicals, blood tests, colonoscopies, endoscopies, the works. He had high blood pressure and AFIB, which were monitored and managed well by medication. We lived (although we didn't like it much) on a 5 acre "farm" in rural Tennessee, but he had specialists in the best hospitals near and in Nashville. He had no history of drinking or hepatitis, had no family history of cancer of any kind, did not smoke and was active. At the beginning of February, he went to the doctor because he said his abdomen felt bloated and he had some abdominal pain. On February 26, ten days before the birth of our first grandchild, he was diagnosed with primary liver cancer, but was told that although he was not a candidate for resection or transplant, he was definitely a candidate for an immunological clinical therapy trial that had had good results. On April 2, the oncologist said "never mind", that he wasn't a candidate for anything but palliative care. We got into the Mayo Clinic on April 5 for testing and a second opinion. We heard the worst. He spent a week with his new grandson in Arizona, we came home to Tennessee on April 18th and he died at home on the 26th.

The oncologists told us is was like someone never exposed to smoking getting lung cancer. They also told us they had no answer for why he got this, why nothing had ever been detected earlier, and that they had never seen anyone go from diagnosis to death so quickly.  It is as if he was hit by a truck or lightening. We were together for 40 years. He was 69 when he died. We were together most of my adult life.

I am having the worst possible time, of course. I can't believe he is gone. I am angry that no one saw something before it was too late. I have told my children that they cannot get wrapped up in that anger because it is too late, it won't bring dad back and it will tear them apart. I don't know where to begin. I have virtually no friends here in this backwoods rural area where all I hear is that "he went home to Jesus" or "he is in a better place"...no, folks, his better place was with me and his family. I don't know where to start assembling, let alone picking up, the pieces of my life without him. It has been two months since I heard his voice, heard him laugh and gazed into his eyes. Last night, my daughter sent me a picture of our grandson in an outfit she had as a baby, and I instinctively turned toward his side of the bed to show him.

I don't want to go anywhere, not back to church, not to a concert, nothing - I don't really want to hear the questions about how I am doing - when I do hear it, my answer is "as well as I can"...don't anyone dare tell me I will be "ok".

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope and pray that no one has to go through this so quickly, although for him, the speed was a blessing since I know he had no pain. For me, the pain is just beginning. There are moments when I feel as if I can function, like taking care of my dogs or doing some laundry...there are more times when I am numb and just stare. 

[Tamimi]

I am sorry.  My husband died very suddenly on Feb. 23rd of cardiac arrest.  There was never any indication of any health or heart problems.  Yet that night I went to bed happily married and by morning I was a widow.  He was 56, married 33 years. I feel with fast or sudden death that the shock lasts for quite awhile.  At four months in, I do have an occasional day that I haven't cried through. People text me asking how I'm doing.  I now avoid answering that question because I don't think they want the real truth...broken and sad. I just respond with something else about the day. I miss him.  I miss my old life.  I don't want this. But yet,  the sun rises and sets and we are still here.  I don't post often, but I read a lot of the posts.  It helps to know others feel the same way and we're not alone. Lord knows, if others haven't been through this they have no idea what its like. Keep coming back here for encouragement and understanding.

[LJCM]

5 hours ago, Tamimi said:

I miss my old life.  I don't want this. But yet,  the sun rises and sets and we are still here. 

That's exactly right.. The sun rises and sets and all I ask is why? I have 2 beautiful kids whom I need to keep going for but at the moment I feel am broken beyond repair. I just function because I need to. 

Betsy, I am so sorry. I am not good at this type of thing but we are all here for you when you need to vent. Sending you love. 

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I have virtually no friends here in this backwoods rural area where all I hear is that "he went home to Jesus" or "he is in a better place"...no, folks, his better place was with me and his family.

I am so sorry for your loss and you are so right in what you said.  It reminded me of this article:
http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

 

[BetsyD]

56 minutes ago, KayC said:

you are so right in what you said

Thank you so much for saying that and for sending me that article. One thing that really DOES get tiring (among so much else) is the idea that comparisons are necessary. I don't mean on this board/forum - that is why we are all here, of course. But at least 50% of the time I am speaking with someone (one person in particular), I hear about "well, you know my friend so and so? her husband is in a coma...or was just diagnosed" These are not people I know, and I don't mean to sound selfish, but can you please, particular person, just listen to me right now? And of course, living in the south now, everyone knows everyone else's business anyway...Maybe that is one of the reasons I am keeping to myself more and why I am happy to have found this forum where I can vent, where I can get and give empathy, not just empty platitudes. I just, for example, had my annual physical - my blood pressure was very slightly elevated. I told the doctor I wasn't surprised, given what I had been through and am still going through - his response? Come back in a month, it should be better by then. Really? I said coming back in 20 years wouldn't make it seem better.

Anyway, thank you so much, Kay, for the article. And LCHM and Tamimi, thank YOU as well......yes, the sun rises and sets still...and I have two daughters, a son-in-law and a new grandson and I made my Tom a promise that I would go on for them and for his memory. And I will. That is not the same thing as being OK - ever. 

[Tamimi]

1 hour ago, BetsyD said:

and I have two daughters, a son-in-law and a new grandson and I made my Tom a promise that I would go on for them and for his memory. And I will. That is not the same thing as being OK - ever

Same here. I have 3 daughters, a son-in-law and 2 little grandsons.  They are so supportive and my reason for getting through this. My husband loved being a dad and papa.  I will keep his memory alive and try to live a life he would be proud of. But always with sadness in the background. I have faith I will see him again one day and I can't wait.

[BetsyD]

4 minutes ago, Tamimi said:

keep his memory alive and try to live a life he would be proud of. But always with sadness in the background.

Exactly. My little grandson and Tom got to spend just a little over a week together - the baby was born March 4...we will have to fill him with stories and pictures so he can know his grandpa and how he had already fallen in love with him. That will be my mission and I will do my best. But always with the sadness, yes.

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I hear about "well, you know my friend so and so? her husband is in a coma...or was just diagnosed" These are not people I know, and I don't mean to sound selfish, but can you please, particular person, just listen to me right now?

I don't think you'd be out of line to SAY so!  It sounds like someone who needs a wake up call, she wouldn't get subtlety.  

Betsy, my father passed away when I was pregnant with my first child (I'd lost three beforehand but this one would have made him a grandpa) so my kids never got to know him.  I told them stories about him and how proud he would be of them.  I know my dad would have been enamored of my daughter and proud of my son, how I wish he could have been in their lives!  But I think telling the kids about him as they were growing up gave them a sense of knowing who he was.

[BetsyD]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

t sounds like someone who needs a wake up call, she wouldn't get subtlety.  

Absolutely true - somehow she seems to think this will make me feel less alone in my grief - the same person started sending me cards as "Ms." as soon as Tom died instead of "Mrs." - I told her NO, I will ALWAYS be "Mrs." - she thought it would make it better, she said. Um, no, it tries to make the relationship disappear. And she should know better - she lost her husband four years ago. Any wonder I want to crawl into a hole sometimes? And, of course, now things are going wrong at the house, like a shattered French door, etc. etc. - and he was a remodeler and contractor, so I am now faced with HAVING to seek help for the first time pretty much ever. 

Thank you so much for your words about your dad and your children. My father passed away before I had my children as well and I made sure they knew all about him. So I get it. 
 

[KayC]

That is just plain insensitive of her to address you as Ms when your husband died!  Some people, there's no accounting for them!   I've given up being called Mrs as most mail, insurance, ads, etc come that way, but for someone to start it this soon is just wrong!

[BetsyD]

Everything I do or see has Tom in it. Every tv show, every movie, every commercial, every recipe, every little silly thing hits me hard. We moved to Tennessee so we could have our (mostly his) horse live with us instead of at a stable. Yesterday I kept my promise to my Tom and I gave Lakota to the people who had given her to us 11 years ago and she moved back to Florida. I know this was the right thing to do, but waking up and looking at the empty barn this morning was just another tangible reminder that my life is peeling away in layers, like an orange or an onion, and that I will, someday, find the core again I guess. But right now, it all just, in plain words, sucks. I am reminded by everyone that 2 months without cannot begin to compete with 40 years with, and that I am being too hard on myself. But seeing that horse trailer leave my property yesterday was a reminder of seeing the hearse leave on April 26 and I just hate everything.

[Tamimi]

27 minutes ago, BetsyD said:

But seeing that horse trailer leave my property yesterday was a reminder of seeing the hearse leave on April 26 and I just hate everything

I get that except mine will be with our new travel trailer.  We always camped and traveled in a trailer.  We had just bought a new one..our nicest yet.  We were finally empty nesters and we were going on new adventures!  But his sudden death in Feb ended all that.  I know I will never  use the trailer but it represents our future that won't happen now.  Someday I will need to sell it, but not yet.  I can't even go inside of it.  I dread the day when I will no longer have some kind of RV sitting at the side of our house. Be it a horse or a trailer, our old life is changing little by little and nothing could hurt more.

[KayC]

I couldn't bear to go camping again, but neither could I get rid of our camper.  I hung onto it for years, not even able to clean George's clothes out of it.  Finally, I gave it to my son and DIL, I can see it at their property and am glad it's getting some use.  But he's bought a new bigger one that he's gutting and renovating, so I know there'll come a day when he'll sell it.  It's hard letting go of some things and yet to us they're changed forever.

[Mystic]

Today it's 6 months. I honestly don't know how I've gotten to this point.  I miss him more than I can say. July is our anniverary month, 33 years. We had just bought a Honda crv and were looking forward to traveling the east coast.  Especially the beaches in North Carolina. I just sold the crv. It was a reminder of what would never be.  

[Stonesie]

BetsyD, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  My husband also died of cancer.  It feels like it is everywhere.

I am glad you are here, we have some very good listeners here, all of us in the same unfortunate boat.

Take care <3

[KayC]

@Mystic  Six months is hard, reality sets in, you realize they aren't coming back, much "support" goes back to their own lives, it's tough.  I understand your feelings about the Honda.  I had to sell my husband's Honda because I couldn't afford it, also his trailer he stayed in during the work week (he worked 75 miles away), but the camper we used for camping I hung onto for years even though I couldn't use it, too many memories that would never happen again, much as you were feeling.  Wishing you some peace...

[BetsyD]

So, since I promised my Tom I would move to Arizona to be near my daughters and my little grandson, I keep trying to get things done here at the house so I can move forward. I get a little done, then freeze, go numb and can’t function. It is NOT that we loved this place, so leaving here, while it is comfortable, is not the issue. We were looking to move anyway. But just doing anything at all becomes a challenge. There are so many projects that have to be done even before I can list the house for sale, some of which I can do, some of which I can’t (and a dear friend of Tom’s is going to come down to take care of those)...But I keep feeling like I am taking one step forward and 50 steps back. I know it has only been a little over two months since he was so suddenly taken from me, and my friends and family keep telling me I am doing amazingly well and they are very supportive..but I feel as if I am not fulfilling my promise to him with my inability to do things. I am NOT so attached to material things - I am going to be selling tools, his work trailer, etc. and those things, without him using them, are really meaningless to me. It is just getting to everything that is the hard part. 

Everyone tells me to stop beating myself up...I just feel I am failing him by not doing more...and just sitting and staring into space isn’t good for me either. :-(  

I also realize that I am so so scared. That that is part of my grief.

[BetsyD]

So, after my last post I covered my head with my blanket and slept for the entire afternoon...i thought it would help, but I still feel like a wet rag, so I may just go right back to bed...This is only the second time I have been incapable of doing anything at all since I lost my Tom...I hope I can make it that long again before it happens again, but I am not fighting the feelings or beating myself up for having them - I am "going with the flow".  

I also hope I can get over the desire to NOT hear about other people's joys, anniversaries, weddings, travels etc....(other than good things about my children or grandson) - I know someday maybe I will be able to remove my personal tragedy and loss from them, but, given that in two weeks Tom and I were supposed to be leaving for a wonderful celebration trip to Seattle, Victoria and Alaska for his birthday which is coming up on July 25), I just can't...I hope that makes me human and not selfish, but if selfish it is right now, so be it.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, BetsyD said:

But just doing anything at all becomes a challenge.

So true!

18 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I just feel I am failing him by not doing more

I doubt he would see it that way.  What you are going through IS doing something, you are trying to process his death, this is a huge task!  And it hasn't been very long.  I see this much like brain trauma, no one would expect someone with brain trauma to be functioning as normal, yet essentially that's what we expect of ourselves!

[KayC]

14 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I also hope I can get over the desire to NOT hear about other people's joys, anniversaries, weddings, travels etc

It takes time.  Eventually you will be able to separate your loss from their good fortune and be happy for them without comparing to yourself and how your life has gone.  It takes time to get there, not everyone can do it, but with your desire to, you will.