Losing My First Love

[Near]

I don't even know if I can call him my "partner" or "friend" or anything in specific. He never liked formal titles, but it was always us and he was just sort of everything to me. From the day I met him on the first day of grade six, up until two nights ago when he died at nineteen, he was the most important person in my life. We watched each other grow up, be awkward and ugly kids, go through puberty, explore our sexuality, religious and political beliefs, and we exceeded any arbitrary comfort zones. One of the last conversations we had was how comfortable we are with each other and being able to tell or ask for anything without feeling any shame or worry. It's so hard because he was so young and never even got the chance to fulfill any of his dreams. I just wanted the chance to see him happy and living the life he wanted. I've never felt this horrible in my life. He was genuinely the other half of me and now I feel so empty, like something is missing. This immense feeling of loneliness is nothing like I've ever felt before. I keep looking at his pictures and thinking of his gorgeous smile and having him laid beside me like we'd always do. Because we were so young and under our parents roofs he would always sneak out at night to come see me, and we would have so much fun together and bicker in the quietest voices we could use so nobody from my family would wake up. I'm going to miss all of our walks in the park, and impromptu meet-ups at our local McDonald's, or sitting at the swings at night talking about university. 

I will never forget the day when I first met him in grade six. Our homeroom teacher had a seating plan set up for us and he sat right across from me, and I remember walking into that class on the first day of school and seeing this funny looking kid in wonky glasses sitting across from me, and he just gave me a sincere smile while I looked confused. But from the second we made eye contact I know there was something there, even so young, and I know we'd be great friends. But I didn't know he'd be the most important person in my life, or that I would end up loving him so much. I don't think either of us were expecting each other to be gay, and coming out for both of us was such a big deal, and we helped each other so much through that process. And there was a lot of fighting in that phase as well, but it was so worth it because it allowed us to mature and care for each other properly. We used to talk about living together in an apartment in the city together and now that can never happen. I know I'm so young, but it's going to be so hard for me now to meet someone else and love them without thinking in the back of my mind "but do I love them as much as I loved him"? 

And what's making things especially hard is how religious his family is, and in his religion, if I understand correctly, we must try to remove all of his sins while he has passed. So we have to take down all of his pictures of him smoking, partying, and drinking (which are almost everyone's photos with him because we were in university), and I don't even know if I can post any of our photos, since they are somewhat intimate and obvious that we are gay, but according to his religion that is unholy, and I do not want to pass any more sins onto him. All the other photos I have with him from when we were younger are on my old laptops or phones which are either completely destroyed or lost, which likely means I'm never getting them back, and they were posted on social media SO long ago, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, that I can' trace them back. Which means, likely, for the rest of my life I'll have to do make do with the very few photos I have of us/him. I don't know how I'm going to do that. He'll always be in my memory, of course, and very vividly, but I want something to look back on. 

Whenever I lay in my bed I just think about him being here with me, and laughing at me because I was so awkward, or him rolling his eyes at me because I'd tell him to put his phone down. We just can't do that anymore. He's in most of my earliest memories, and now we can't make anymore. I woke up today, and was thinking yesterday was well, that I will never see his face again or ever his voice. And I just can't believe that. It doesn't make sense to me. I feel so lonely and numb and overwhelmed all at the same time. I just want to sob forever. He was my whole heart and I'm just so sad. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I keep thinking back to when I was holding his hand in the hospital room and telling him goodbye and how much I loved him. He was completely brain dead due to a car crash so he wasn't able to responsive. His body wouldn't move and his eyes had no life in them. I just kept on telling him I loved him and there was nothing there. I feel so empty, and I feel like this feeling is never going away. 

I don't know what to do. I just miss him so much. I just want to be with him again, and I can't. I always used to tell him that even if we didn't end up together in the long run he'd always be the person I'd love most, and nothing would change that. I still feel the same. But now we can't even try. 

One of the hardest parts is seeing all the people from university that barely knew him making post. I know it's wrong of me to be upset over that. They loved him too and he meant a lot to them as well, I can't take that away from him. But they didn't know his most authentic self, and I fear they may not always be thinking of him as time passes, but I know I will, and besides his family and some of his truly closest friends, I don't think they can say the same. I don't want him to just be some instagram post people make and then forget about in a year. He was everything to me and I can't just say "It'll all be okay" and "I hope he rests in peace" and moves on. It's so much more than that. And, again, I know it's so wrong of me to be upset over this. I know. Everyone grieves differently and I can't hold that against them. But I want them to be remember him forever. I hope they do. It'll shatter me if they don't. 

I just can't believe this is happening. I just want to lay with him one last time.

[KayC]

Of course you can't just relinquish him to "it'll be okay" and move on, it's nothing trivial, this means everything to you and you will always remember and miss him.  I am so sorry for your loss.  And your loss is not the same as everyone else's loss of him, because the depth of your grief is tied into the depth of your relationship and how much you love him.  Although others are grieving the same person, their grief isn't the same as yours, to whom he was special, to whom you shared a history, to whom you were besties.  His family also will never forget him, although there is undoubtedly things you knew about him that they didn't, because that's how it is when you share love with a peer as opposed to parenting them.  It's not that one is greater or lesser, just different.  It doesn't help to compare, to each person, their loss is the greatest.

I'm sorry so many of his photos have been destroyed.  Their beliefs are not shared by you, nor do they have to be handled the same as by you.  They can destroy pictures that they feel are sinful but you do not share in that belief and are under no obligation to do the same.  I wouldn't argue the point with them, you won't get anywhere, just privately do what YOU feel is best.

I'm sorry he died so you, that there is so much he didn't get to experience or realize.  And I'm sorry you don't get to continue sharing in this life together.  He will continue to live on in your heart and memory.