Well..

[Dutchess]

I thought my intro post would be better than this but since I joined some thing have come up . I lost my glam , beautiful ,romantic, thoughtful , very loving husband who was always  proud of me and said so on Jan 29 of this year, we were married 10 years  . I have been devastated . He was 53 ( I am 55) and he choked to death while I was gone on a 3 day work assignment , apparently not long after we'd spoken to each other on the phone , not a text . That fast. His mom found him when I could not get in touch and I called to see if he were there. In my line of work he can go with me and does, but this time did not. He and I had had the convo about eating too fast , eating AND being in a hurry , to just slow DOWN . I'd even heard him temporarily get choked on the phone , so this was a thing and it killed him . Because he was alone he had to go to the ME's which was a nitemare , but found out he had fairly moderate  hypertrophic cardiomyopathy w/ enlarged heart  which we did not know about and would not have ended well even with treatment . Funeral a blur , crying IN my sleep as well as 24 hrs a day.  I am still in bed now, I have really grieved badly . I am actually being treated for chronic grief. 

 I REALLY miss my sweetheart just like everyone else here- badly . However something came to lite recently and yesterday due to my computer skills I followed up on something and found out by myself , alone that he had been really researching living in Russia , Russian bride sites , lots of stuff about Russian ladies etc , assimilating to life in Russia , mind control on a Russian TV station about how we are being watched by certain planets and stars ??  I mean I am not sure but at least 50 Russian really WILD conspiracy sites .  I don't know what to think . He was a gorgeous ex pro skier who shouldn't have to resort to bride ( not dating ) sites of any sort if he didn't like me anymore and I never let myself go - ever.  We were famous for our over the top pda's , gushing FB tributes / songs from him and we were just really affectionate to the end, laughed A LOT together , lots of things in common , we were so tight I thought , our friends said it was still like we were almost like twins . He'd been married once 30 years ago for a year. I had been married once before for 14 years. My ex husband has been the only person I've told about this and even he is stunned - he liked him alot too .

Right now I am just numb all over again . His mom got  a big "anonymous" donation to help pay for the funeral his mom wanted ( $$$$$$$)  and I have now also found out the donor was a young Russian lady who I do not know whatsoever but who is a member of his mothers religious group . I am embarrassed , not sure about my own self worth, my judgement , no longer want my ashes with him ( and sad about it )  . I do not care right now if he stays alone in the mountains in Cal. I am so angry/hurt that I am quiet . Even just lightly typing this . I don't know how to grieve anymore or WHO to grieve . I'll never have all the answers abut how he got involved in this and why - only educated guesses . Right at the moment I am not even sure I knew who he was, I had no idea at all that he was even interested in that country  . Makes it extremely complicated. I know  you aren't supposed to make any big decisions in the first year but right now I want to go home for the first time in 38 years even though I have no living family there ,my 18 yr old lives downtown here with her room/ bandmates  . I am really shaken

[Paluka]

Dutchess,

I think some of us find things that may not make much sense to us after our spouse dies. I am sorry that you are going through this on top of losing your spouse.

I found myself in something similar but decided that looking at an internet history was foolishness for me. For me, it is like getting to see someone's thoughts that are usually random or exist for nothing more than a distraction. At first I was pissed then I was so very sad. I realized that, for me, I have always found anger to be an easier (short-term) way to deal with pain than the pain itself (long-term).  He may not have needed anyone or anything but you. Like I said, he could have been goofing off such as looking at the conspiracy sights.

I know this all hurts so much and the sense of a possible betrayal makes things either worse or easier. I encourage you to slow down. I say this because I was running with these types of thoughts in the beginning. I tend to blame myself pretty harshly. When I entered grief counseling I was shown how I was using this as a means to delay my grieving process. I remember being asked "if you never knew about any of this what would truly be different?" Your situation may be different. I have no idea. For me, I was conjuring up worse-case scenarios in my mind when no one else was seeing the same thing.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find peace as this process moves forward. The truth for me is that our loved ones were exactly who we believe they were.   

[Dutchess]

I am going to try to take that advice even if I have to read it several times a day for awhile . I have had an awful time managing this . You are right , I am very angry and I am sure I will crash again into sadness . I had been concerned about his descent in to the conspiracy theory sites before he died and he did change some from them . The young lady that helped pay for the service for whatever reason messaged me about this yesterday . Almost making fun of me . Otherwise no, I would never have known , I always trusted him in life . I never look at anyone's history because you find stuff like this and you just don't KNOW what to think , like you said it could be nothing . Its frustrating also when they aren't here to defend themselves with any explanation good or bad . 

 

[KayC]

Paluka, thank you for your candid and helpful words to her.

Dutchess, I am sorry for everything you are going through.  Like Paluka said, there's no way to get behind his mind and realize what in the world he was thinking.  I only want to say that there is a distinct line between fantasy and reality and sometimes people cross over that line, who knows why, escape their lives, it doesn't have to do with you, it has to do with him, I know that's hard to realize because you feel it affects you and perhaps it would have or wouldn't have, we can't know because death took him before anything was realized.

My husband and I met in our mid forties, he's the love of my life and I his, but he had been with someone ten years, at one point they were engaged, but they parted as friends.  After we got serious, he said he broke off contact with her, he even threw her picture away even though I told him that wasn't necessary...we both had a past history with others, I understood that.  Anyway, a year after his death she called to talk to him, I realize they couldn't be in close contact or she'd have missed him sooner, but she talked to me, knew his truck which was mine before we married, he'd been up to see her, not as a girlfriend, but as a friend, shortly after we were married.  This hurt me, and I was very angry not so much his seeing her, but going alone and keeping it secret.  Then again I wouldn't have been happy about it had he told me.  I realize that with all of the adjustments he was making, he was just reaching out to a friend to talk to, it hurt that it was her instead of me, but I couldn't do anything about it, can't call him back from the grave and yell at him!  It took me a while to work through but I did.  I finally realized I had to remember him, the whole of him, and not just the part, he was and always will be the love of my life.  He made decisions/actions I don't think were optimal but I understand his reasons all the same, I forgave him and let it go.  It is so much harder to work through when they're dead and not alive, we can't talk it over with them, but I told him my feelings about it all the same!  I hope you're getting grief counseling to help you work through all this, it's a lot to try to navigate on your own.

Just know that it's not uncommon to feel a myriad of emotions, all valid, even when seemingly in conflict with one another.  You have valid reasons for your love, your anger, your shock, your angst!  And they are all justified.  Whatever you decide to do with your feelings is up to you.  I remember a phrase "don't throw the baby out with the bath." and that helped me some to realize, don't throw the whole of the man away with the part I don't understand fully or he's not here to explain.  That's helped me, you may feel differently.  I don't know to what extent he acted or if he had some strange thing happen in his mind with propaganda or what, who knows, but if it was some mental illness displaying, even that can be accepted as no different than physical infirmity, something someone cannot help or control at will.  I don't know enough specifics to realize what was fully going on, you may not even know yourself and you knew him best.

I hope you know you can come here any time and express yourself here, we're all just making our way through this, one day at a time.  (((hugs)))

[Dutchess]

Thank you KayC this makes me feel SO not alone, and yes I would not like what you had to deal with either . At all - but I really like the way you dealt with this because you are all right . There is no way to ask . Which of course is incredibly frustrating on top of the grief and yes its the secrets that are starting to come out that are so bad .  He had changed with these conspiracy sites to where I had become concerned about his mental health .  I was just not aware they were all coming from the same country.  Those bride sites hurt too.  It really was like he'd become obsessed with Russia to the point of using a different email and a different server.  He was trolling people hard and calling people of other religions just horrible names . I am shocked. He was always such a gentle person who normally would never do that. 

 His mom belongs to this VERY way out religious sect and unfortunately owns the entire plot at the cemetery where he lays . The cemetery director told me I could not be there, even though I was married to him, without her permission and his mom told me just a few hours actually after my last post here that she would rather have the young Russian lady who messaged me to take my place( when the time comes ) which is heartbreaking . I want to be cremated , we BOTH wanted that and be put together. In her world this is an abomination . You would know she would tell me this while I was in my car waiting on daughter to finish a band gig in a sketchy part of Seattle. That was a fun drive home . She actually said I " should to go back to my people in Texas " - uh thanks for your unsolicited advice , but no .

This was so over the top I just hung up on her for my own sanity - I still have to duke it out it out here on earth with everyday life . I try to tell myself that no matter where my earthly remains end up I still hope to see him first .   This is just a wreck on top of a wreck . My grief counselor is not going to expect this at all when I go back after the Holiday week coming up , thats for sure . 

My friends here want me to go ahead and block the mom for good. I wont really miss anything but a hard time anyway . 

I am trying to hold on to the last time we talked , He would see me in 2 days and he was so happy we were going to move WAY away from his mother and how proud I would be of him this year and like I said the last thing we said was I love you . Him saying it first . I hope he knows I really did . 

[KayC]

Wow.  To have his mom infiltrate herself into YOUR place is just so wrong on every level!  If my son were to die, I would naturally assume his wife would make such decisions, not me, that's just how it is!  You leave your parents and cleave to your wife, as the Bible says.  That's the natural order of things.  Yes you still honor your parents, you love and appreciate them, but gosh, this is so over the top!  I don't know how she assumed this role, the law I'm sure would have sided with you.  We are in a vulnerable state when they die and it's easier for people to run over us, I imagine she bullied her way into doing what she wanted regardless of legal standing.

Well the one thing she can't take is your relationship, your love.  Did he have something going on mentally inside of him do you think?  It's hard to know what when you can't even talk to him about it.  I really think Paluka is right, it's best to let go what you can't question him about and remember what you DO know and that is your relationship that you established together.

You're going to give your grief counselor a run for her/his money, I'm sure.  It'll be interesting to hear what he/she suggests or says about this.

You had plans to move away from his mother so he perhaps noticed how she is and didn't want that for you.  I'm sorry it didn't happen soon enough.  Well perhaps you can have your ashes sprinkled on his grave.  I know we're supposed to get permission, but sometimes things are so ridiculous, I mean how would they undo it if that happened or they didn't know about it?

Regardless, the body is discarded and no longer needed, it's what's left of the shell we were housed in, but our spirit lives on and no one can take that away from the two of you, not even his mom's ugly rantings.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this on top of everything.  (((hugs)))

[Dutchess]

Thanks KayC I ave never experienced or even HEARD of anything like this and I am originally from the south so I have been to a lot of funerals and seen alot of odd situations but this is over the top . Technically its her land I guess, bought and paid for . 3 places she, my husband and his sister who does not want to be there and hasn't spoken to the mother in years because of this wacky religious behavior and hurtful things like this . Yes she sees a person struggling and is forceful beyond measure . My grief feels like suddenly stopped in its tracks.Too many things coming at me all at once .

I woke up this morning not feeling anything , I have not cried all weekend . I even went to have a visit with a couple of the Seahawk's I knew from back home who are friends with my older kids and had a genuinely good time .

Now I have sort of this mental picture in my head of myself with a backpack , walking on down the road . I am left with his mom and her crazy religious beliefs in a place I don't belong , she is obviously not well and I don't need it . I can't fight it but I can walk away . Hardest thing I have ever had to do . My friends and his sister , obviously disgusted , have offered to go at night if they have too and bury my ashes over the top of him but I think you all are right . Its just a shell and a bad memory there . I am really considering  remembering who I thought we were to each other and walk off . I never thought I would feel like - oh well , bye ! I know its a defense mechanism but still . I will probably go on to LA where I have my own niche at Hollywood Forever  that I have had for years before I knew him . We had a stillborn daughter in 2011 ( I was 49 ) he was devastated but his mom does not acknowledge her . So she and I will probably go there . Its such a cool place . I am going to go look at 2 new places  to live , away from here this week after the 4th .   

Yes,the grief counselor may have to retire after me . 

[KayC]

Dutchess,

Under the circumstances, I think your plan to find a new place to live is not only best, it's warranted.  You need some peace, you need to be able to GRIEVE in peace.  I'm glad you have a grief counselor, and if you do move, I hope you'll find one close by because it really does help, if we get a good one.

I thought I'd heard it all.  Guess not!  And I thought my mother was over the top mental and religious to extreme.  It wasn't her religion that was the problem, it was her mental issues affecting how she carried out her religion that made it hard.

[Dutchess]

Thank you  KayC I am really alone in this and GREATLY appreciate knowing that I am not just crazy to make such a big decision so soon . I do feel driven to do this . I have in 3 apps now . I think I will end up with at least one of them . I am even packed and ready to go .

You hit the nail on the head there .You are one of the few that can see it as clear as I can and his sister as well . Sister said this started out as depression decades ago and as she got older and joined this sect , it now appears as at LEAST mental illness and paranoia . I need peace in the worst way and to remember ME again and try to find a silver lining to this  . She was, as you can imagine, a constant interference in our life together . For me a annoyance - but he was terrified of her and halfway believed her . 

[BillInMelbourne]

I'm so sorry for your loss. After all that stuff though, I get the feeling that no matter what, you were the most important person in his life, and I think you know that. Hang onto that.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, BillInMelbourne said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. After all that stuff though, I get the feeling that no matter what, you were the most important person in his life, and I think you know that. Hang onto that.

I love that!  So right!

@Dutchess  My mom had paranoia and many personality disorders, I can so relate.  Sometimes we owe it to ourselves to only give them the time/attention we feel we can handle, whether it be five minutes, five hours, or stay clear away.  I'm fortunate in that my sisters and I were always supportive of each other and how each of us chose to handle her at any given time.

[Spengler]

Duchess, life is not easy for any of us, even when our loved ones are still with us. And we are all flawed, badly flawed human beings. My wife and I were always faithful to each other, but we each had one occasion when we came perilously close to falling into the abyss of betrayal. In my case, it was a woman at work who, without any encouragement from myself, made it very clear that she wanted friendship, and much more than friendship from me. And it hit me like a thunderbolt that I was powerfully physically attracted to her. Compounding the situation was that things had been difficult between me and my wife for some time. I was tempted, oh so very tempted. But, I managed to back away just short of the brink. After that close call I figured I lost all standing to feel self-righteous and the memory of it helped me be patient and (mostly) compassionate when my wife almost ran off with someone she met on the Internet years later. She didn't try to hide from me what was going on, and with help from counselors and friends we got her past that crisis.

 

Yes, it's easy to fall and hard to forgive. And even harder to repair the damage. And it's all too easy to say that you would never be capable of THAT, but you never know how strong you are until the crisis is staring you in the face. Please do try to forgive your husband and remember the good times.

[DutchessWithaT]

I am SO GLAD to see these replies . Sincerely .

I admit I had a BAD spell Friday I think . Just enraged , missing him , the works, tears and finally , yes, shredding my Chromebook that I hated but lasted over a year . Plastic , metal and wires were raining everywhere , even outside off the balcony . Oh yes it was quite the meltdown . I promptly got myself together and drove to wal mart where I bought on sale a purple ?? HP that overheats and I cannot remember any of my passwords and I could not get the old one to be sent to my email SO I had to start over and come back like this . 

You are all right , all of you , the next day with my new comp I went to his old FB pages his ever present mother is fixing to delete.

I made sure I got all of the pics I wanted before they were gone and I found just a few days before he died a very public letter just out on his time line he wrote to me that I do not mind sharing with you all - he had not tagged me properly so if I hadn't gone back I would never have seen it  . Like I said he was prone to gushing tributes to me on FB whether I turned bright red or not . 

 This is tame for him but helped me with this a lot ,, and I thought of all of you . Everyone of you for helping me try to see the bigger picture . 

He wrote : I love you Leea, you are my soulmate, my best friend, my wonderful lover, the mother of my only child, my super intelligent, super-model, my princess, and although we are apart right now ( I was out on a riding assignment on the east coast ), you are my darling wife not just on paper but also  in spirit, soul and heart,. <B
KISSES my darling Hen, KISSES! You are the best, and I am so very lucky to have met you, for between us there is never the need to pretend that we love each other, as you are my one true love.

You are still ridiculously beautiful, amazingly intelligent, funnier than anybody I've ever heard of, and of course you are still stubborn on a thermonuclear level (mules eventually give up, but not my Hen LOL!).We will just have to rebuild your collection bit by bit my dear little Barbie.

For those that don't know, Leea, does a very good version of a real-life Barbie . What the pictures don't show is what a classy lady and how incredibly intelligent she is.
I am a very blessed Pea to have such a wonderful Hen. After all these years, I finally found true love, my soul mate, my best friend, my darling Hen <B
I LOVE you Leea-Paprika!!!

 He was writing this to me but for everyone to see also . Leea is my real name and Dutchess is from my years spent in The Netherlands . 

 It was like he finally said OK , she NEEDS to see this . and I read over these responses . Whatever he was looking or not looking at , at I am sure,  if  he possibly could think  ,  he wanted me with him at the end .

It's a miracle I found this. It was just out in public . Not PM or anything . IDK why that one line is green though …….

[KayC]

The line was green to call YOUR attention to it, and I'm glad you got that message.  Whatever problems he had, he knew he loved you.

If the HP is overheating, I'd take it back and exchange it for a new one.  Toshiba and HP are two of the best but something must be wrong with this one...you're not putting it on your lap are you (they can't breathe enough there)?  Don't know if you're talking about a laptop or PC.  You got a smile from me though, the meltdown...getting your feelings out may have been worth the cost of a computer!

[DutchessWithaT]

LOL I tell you even the cats ( yes I am a real cat lady now but we both liked cats and his name to our friends and some family was Kat  )  were scrambling out of the way of the shrapnel from that thing . I was REALLY MAD !. Yes I read - of course as soon as I got home and was setting it up as it was about to catch my legs on fire -  that these are prone to overheating for various reasons - yay me ! ( Its a laptop, I have to travel a lot and I slip one in my purse with all my info for work) then it sort of went back to normal,  now I have it again on 2 gel ice packs out of the freezer . I don't think the fans work . I have not heard any cooling system fire up at all . I have the box and everything to take it back . BUT - I am glad he was happy that he'd found something in me that was special in his life . I cannot tell you all how glad I was to see these notes to me . That in the end he wasn't afraid to tell anyone I was his big love and for so many reasons  & I believe it  and I surely love him too .Glad/sad he mentioned his only child that he never quite got over. I was 49 so I knew things were going to be tough.  He always wondered about her and talked about her a lot , so I let him name her on his own . I let him do everything possible  because I had grown kids and I wanted him to have whatever positive experience I could help him with , he was so distraught .  One of the last things I did , literally at the cemetery , was to give him last minute instructions on how to take care of her and if he needed help I'd be right here and I truly hoped she was everything he'd wished for . He spoke about her as if she were living -always .

  Very  thankful that you all gently reminded me that I really don't know what if anything was going on and none of us are perfect . 

I thought that about the green line too, especially the thermonuclear part as I saw it right after I shattered the laptop .  

[KayC]

I have an HP PC and a Toshiba laptop, my son recommended both brands over others because they're less proprietary and can be worked on, not so with most laptops (he's a computer engineer and used to have a computer business).  Something has to be terribly wrong for it to be overheating, perhaps with the wiring or a bad part.  The fans are the cheapest part to replace, but I would take it back since you just bought it!  Back everything up to the cloud or an external hard drive first.

Working through some of this stuff after they've died is exponentially harder than doing it when they're alive.  I am so glad you found what he wrote about you, that helps resolve inside of you what he was thinking/feeling!  I know I was able to work through my feelings about my husband and all of the things I learned after he died, it wasn't easy but can be done as I can attest.  Sounds like you're doing it too!

If you got your laptop at Best Buy, they could probably fix it in a couple of minutes, but being as it's new, I'd still opt for getting a new/different one.

 

[DutchessWithaT]

I think I am going to take your sons advice before I catch the house on fire . Seriously . I am still going for something cheap again as I admit ,,, I have a feeling I will be having more meltdowns to come . I saved the notes in a folder in my email so no matter how ridiculous I behave right now I won't lose them. They were written so close to his death that I am really just clinging to them . They get me through the day right now for sure .