Death of a Grandparent

[rosealineleaf]

Hi everyone, I'm brand new here but I've been struggling with my grief for over a year now and wanted a place to talk with others and offer and receive advice. 

I apologize if this is long, I've tried to condense it as much as possible.

To give a bit of background - my grandparents raised me. I never met my biological father and my biological mother was too addicted to drugs to take care of me, so that left the responsibility of raising me to my grandparents. My grandpa passed when I was ten, and I remember very little about him.

My grandma, however, was my rock. She was there for everything. Every bad test, every homework assignment we both didn't understand, every graduation, every moment both big and small. 

In 2016, my life began to fall apart. I had been in an abusive relationship for quite some time that I hid from her and my biological mother found out and revealed the relationship to my grandma. He had been sexually exploiting me online and my mother sent this information to my grandma, not knowing the reality. My grandma stuck by me, regardless, but it put a strain on our relationship, and I had to get a restraining order against my biological mother as a result. I broke up with my abusive ex later that same year and began a relationship with my current partner. My ex then lied to authorities about the nature of our relationship, saying I had sexually, physically, and mentally abused him. He and his father tried to get a restraining order placed against me and went so far as to tell Title IX at my school to try to get me kicked out. They were unsuccessful on both accounts, but it put my grandma, my partner, and I under a great deal of stress, mentally and financially. During this time, I was sleep deprived, depressed, and beyond stressed, and got into a car accident in my grandmother's car where I was t-boned in front of my house. I'm still scared of cars sometimes.

Her birthday was a few days before Mother's Day and all of this had transpired up to that point. Mother's Day came around and my partner and I, being college students, spent the day working on homework. I called her at night, reminding her that I love her and that I would see her soon. She said she loved me too and that she was probably going to go to bed because she was tired. 

I came home not even an hour and a half later to find her dead. I would come home, say "Gram, I'm home!" and she would respond. I did the same thing that night and didn't hear a response from her. I figured she was asleep. I checked her bedroom and she wasn't there. I checked my room and she wasn't there. I noticed the bathroom light on and knocked. When I didn't hear a response, I opened the door to find her... gone. 

I've struggled daily since then. I have the image of finding her stuck in my mind. I have the guilt of wondering if she died of a broken heart because I wasn't there on Mother's Day, after the months of grief I had put her through. I have trouble coping with it and I don't know what to do. I have a hard time talking with my therapist. I'm struggling and I'm not sure what to do. 

[reader]

Dear Rosealineleaf,

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother. I know you've been through a lot and it is very hard to cope with grief.

During this sad and difficult time, please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Keep writing and talking it out. Let yourself cry.

If you want to try maybe try seeking out another therapist you are more comfortable talking to or a grief support group in the community. There are many resources in the community and through church.

I also found these websites helpful:

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method

What's Your Grief.

It is very traumatic to lose a beloved figure in one's life. And it takes a long time for your minds to come to terms with it.

Please know you are alone. We are with you.

Take care.