Anniversary coming up

[jcote65]

I am new to this forum. My father passed away almost a year ago and I miss him terribly. Somehow, without thinking the 19th of every month is hard, although I thought I was doing better since I did not cry on October 19. I guess I was wrong because for the past few days I catch myself crying or keeping myself from crying so often that I don't know what to do with myself. My dad died after a short illness, he had lung cancer that spread to his liver. He got the news on July 7, his 77th birthday, you might say that 7 was not his lucky number or mine. At first we had great optimism as he seemed to respond well to treatment, but his health took a turn for the worse in October, he stayed in the hospital for a few weeks, during which time it got even worse, and then my mom and I took him out so he could get his last wish and die at home. I saw him on the Thursday before he died and I was going back on the Sunday, but he passed away on the Saturday.

As the anniversary of his death approaches I miss him more and more, I do talk to him and I do dream about him, but I miss the physical him, I miss talking about classical music with him, I don't know anyone that loved classical music as much as he did, so I have no one to talk about this with. I miss seing him interact with my teenage son, I miss his laugh, I miss his voice, I miss him.

Three years I went through a depression and now I am afraid that I am falling back into it

If anyone out there has any tips on how to deal with the first anniversary of a parent's death, I would truly appreciate reading it.

Thank you for reading me

[ModKonnie]

I am new to this forum. My father passed away almost a year ago and I miss him terribly. Somehow, without thinking the 19th of every month is hard, although I thought I was doing better since I did not cry on October 19. I guess I was wrong because for the past few days I catch myself crying or keeping myself from crying so often that I don't know what to do with myself. My dad died after a short illness, he had lung cancer that spread to his liver. He got the news on July 7, his 77th birthday, you might say that 7 was not his lucky number or mine. At first we had great optimism as he seemed to respond well to treatment, but his health took a turn for the worse in October, he stayed in the hospital for a few weeks, during which time it got even worse, and then my mom and I took him out so he could get his last wish and die at home. I saw him on the Thursday before he died and I was going back on the Sunday, but he passed away on the Saturday.

As the anniversary of his death approaches I miss him more and more, I do talk to him and I do dream about him, but I miss the physical him, I miss talking about classical music with him, I don't know anyone that loved classical music as much as he did, so I have no one to talk about this with. I miss seing him interact with my teenage son, I miss his laugh, I miss his voice, I miss him.

Three years I went through a depression and now I am afraid that I am falling back into it

If anyone out there has any tips on how to deal with the first anniversary of a parent's death, I would truly appreciate reading it.

Thank you for reading me

Hi Jcote,

My father passed away in August 2009. I was doing okay with everything until my mom moved two weeks ago from our childhood home. I can't stop thinking about how Dad would be so sad to know Mom isn't living in their home anymore. (She moved closer to my sister and I, which is really a good thing for all of us).

But, I also know that Dad made us promise to take care of Mom. He would be happy to know she is being well taken care of and is not alone anymore. So, I'm trying to concentrate on good memories of my father, and I picture him laughing and looking around her new house and saying, "Wow, nice. She's doing okay. Thanks."

If you believe you are falling into a depression, then you should consider talking to your doctor about your options for help. You sound like you are trying to help yourself, and that is a good thing.

This past year, when my kids have done important things, it hits me like a rock that Dad can't be here to enjoy them. My boys miss him the most. He was a larger than life figure in their eyes. But they understand that he would be here if he could; he's just gone on to something better for himself. He was very ill and suffered horrifically.

There are others here who can give you more advice and encouragement. We are here to support and help you in any way we can.

I look forward to hearing from you again,

ModKonnie

[fixerupper]

Hi Jcote,

My mom passed away almost one year ago, November 30, 2009. She was 87!! I was a late in life child, so I am "only" 47. It has been a weird year, with ups and downs. Mostly, I don't think there are any real, lasting comforts...I'd say most of the time I have tried on different perspectives to get through... i.e., I was grateful she didn't suffer, I was lucky she lived so long, she was lucky she lived so long...(this one I got plenty of help with, as most people are underwhelmed with death at 87, and without at all meaning to be cruel, reflected that back to me in their comments; that wasn't pleasant and I have determined never to minimize anybody's grief in this way), she'd want me to be happy, etc. etc. But in the end, I find it is really sort of like if you had a flat tire on a desolate highway in the middle of winter -- you just gut it out and do what you have to do, until time sort of blurs the loss somewhat....but still -- even after a year I sometimes feel a sense of disbelief that that lady, who I knew and loved every day of my life, and whose presence I took for granted as much as I did the moon or sun, isn't here for me to talk to, laugh with, even argue with!, and never will be again. It blows.

I have had a surprisingly hard month leading up the one year anniversary -- didn't think I would. For me, it marks a further and unwelcome gap between now and a time she was alive -- I mean duh, but sort of like how, this summer, I felt very close to her -- I"d be gardening and find a trowel she'd deposited on a shelf in the garage, or find the plant stakes from the tomatoes she'd bought last summer, or recall her sitting in a lawn chair chatting to me while I laid brick in the garden....anniversaries remind you that soon those touchstones or whatever you might call them, will recede further and further from us. It's scary and sad.

Please don't feel alone, as there are so many of us who must feel loss and pain with anniversaries, etc. and are right there with you! and I agree, get thee to a physician who can possibly prescribe medication, or suggest other means to buoy your spirits a bit. I have to say that one thing that helps me is to do something I know she'd love if she were looking down -- sometimes they are silly things, it doesn' t matter. One thing she loved, for example, and this might help you, was to fill her house with a nice gathering --- a gathering of any kind which featured laughter, food, and kindness. I have decided to have a sort of a holiday gathering on some random evening for no purpose other than that. I will make her recipes, etc. , being careful to triple everything, as my mother would have been more forgiving of someone holding up a liquor store at gunpoint than of someone who ran out of food at a party!! She would love that, and though I don't really feel like doing that this year -- I bet I will be glad I did -- fake it til I make it, you know? Maybe you can find a way to celebrate your dad in a way that will help you...

Thinking of you.

[Tray]

Hi Jcote, Your post prompted me to register. I lost my grandmother, she lived 97 wonderful years. November 19th will be her 1 year anniversary as well. I wish I had some inspiring words to share with you, but I find myself at a loss. I can however make some suggestions. You said how you shared a love of classical music with your Father,

Maybe you could spend the day honoring your Father by introducing your son to classical music.

Explain how special it was to your Father and that keeping that classical music connection is important to you. Who knows?? Maybe it could be something special between you and your son now.

My 80 year old Father-in-law LOVES classical music and my 3 teenage sons HATE it. However.....if they hear it playing in a store, the 3 of them will say "Poppy should be here, he loves this stuff". You might be surprised at your sons willingness to connect with something that was important to your Dad and still is important to you. Telling him how you miss having someone to share the music with might give him an answer to his question of How to help Mom?

Maybe your Father had a music collection you could look through and play ?

The 19th falls on a Friday, offer a day off from school and take your son to a symphony ? It could become a yearly tradition.

Having teenagers, I think we both know they will do almost anything for a day out of school.

Try and create something new to focus your energy on.

Classical music is less and less appreciated by our youth. How about making a donation to your son's school music program in you fathers name..........

buy ,engrave and donate an instrument to the school, "In Memory of _______"

Maybe make your Dads favorite supper, break out the photos and listen to his favorite piece.

Give your family the heads up that it will be a difficult day for you and you will need their help getting through. Don't try facing it alone. If you try and focus on doing something good to honor your Fathers memory, it might make your missing him a bit more bearable. Good Luck, Tray