My dear Shasti passed and I am devastated

[Catinpreviouslife]

She was my baby. I never had kids. She was 17. She was the most affectionate cat ever..never left my side. We travelled together and slept together every night. She had the softest fur. We would go on long walks and she liked the water! She was born on this property and she was feral. She was my best friend...through thick and thin. I am having a hard time coping. She had kidney disease and I was treating her with sub q fluids daily, meds and lots of love. She had a big seizure yesterday morning which she recovered from. She lost a lot of weight, her hind legs were very unsteady, her urine was so dilute. She was eating and was alert. I feel guilty I could have kept her longer. I feel guilty I decided on her time of death not her. I couldn't bear her to have another seizure and it was inevitable. She didn't want to cuddle anymore except a little on the couch...she was withdrawing. I made the decision to have her euthanized. I couldn't be there though, my husband whom she adored was there the whole time. I knew I could not bear to see her dead...that image would just be seered into my brain and I would not be able to get rid of it. She was taken away to be cremated because graves creep me out. I am devastated. I cannot stop crying. The emptiness and hole in my heart is so big I don't think it will ever recover. She was my everything. She was with me going through divorce, when I was single for many years. I feel so lost. I am heartbroken. I miss her already. I went to work today...but was alone in my room at work all day basically crying...I didn't want to come home to her no t being here. I cannot even sleep in my bed because she was here almost every night with me. Why do I feel I took her too early? This is a photo just 1 hr before she died.

[MyJulius]

Shasti was a beautiful cat. And she looks so soft and gentle as well. A beautiful precious soul.

It really is awfully sad when we lose them. Its coming up to 7 weeks for me since I lost my 18 year old cat, Julius, and I spent half the day today in tears over him. I was terribly dependant on him being there for me every day, he bought me so much happiness but then he started getting very sick and I lost him. He had end stage kidney disease PLUS a massive cancerous tumor on his pancreas which was inoperable. He had also been diabetic for several years and suffered from seizures towards the end of his life, his whole body was shutting down and I'm still grieving 7 weeks on... 

Its ok to feel like you do, I've been there. Like you I had one last photo I took of Julius half an hour before he was put to sleep. And coincidentally, today was the first day in 7 weeks I could bring myself to look at his last picture. Today there were many tears shed by me so I'm not sure why I finally decided to look at his final photo today but I did. I would post it on here but he doesn't look well, most of his fur had been shaved off from endless tests and its not a nice photo to look at.

All I can say to you, and speaking from the last 7 weeks, is to take baby steps, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Grieving is a very personal experience, there's no right or wrong way to go about it, there's no rulebook, its different for everyone, and everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. It can be such a confusing time as well. Its hard to understand why they are taken from us sometimes.

And you're going to cry. You're going to feel sad. You're going to feel lost without her. And that's all ok too, you should be feeling that way... cry as much as you need to...

[KayC]

She is beautiful, and you gave her the gift of a wonderful life...because of you she was ferral no more, that may have been her starting out, but she knew life with love and companionship, thanks to you!  You didn't cut her life short, you let her go out more easily and without pain, and that in itself is a gift.  I think we always second guess ourselves afterwards, I think it's just that we miss them so much and want them back with us even if only for a second and so we search for a different outcome, one in which we have them again, but reality is she lived a long life and suffering would have been her future had she remained any longer.  You chose selflessly, her betterment over your desires.  I pray the comfort of your love and memories that you shared over her lifetime sustain you in these days to come.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

[SpencerK]

So so sorry for your loss - the image had brought me out in tears.  I took my boy Megs (17) last night to get his teeth done.  He had been losing weight for the past 4 weeks, but I knew something was up.  His purr changed 2 weeks ago, and he made some strange sounds when trying to breath.   But, I had him in for a scan and blood test every 3 months.  Well, as he was getting his teeth done, he had a "reaction" to being put under; his gag reflexes or something.  He apparently turned blue after they finished, they had to put him on gas to make sure he breathed - it didnt go well. 

Well, an Xray later, and they found a giant marble size tumour in his chest!  After all the money I spent over the past 8 months, multiple scans, blood tests - apparentlyl when they scan they do not scan the chest area - well, I didnt know this, I would have asked them to do a full body.  This happened last year, with my first born Barns, who was also nearly 17.  All these scans, all these blood tests and they couldn't find a 10cm tumour growing on his neck - one vet told me to put Barns to sleep, the other told me Chemo - as this was my first cat, and Barns was the best cat anyone could ask for, I put him through two weeks of hell - only for him to be put down anyway.

 

I'm literally sitting here holding some of Megs furr I took off his brush as the only thing I have left of Megs, I can smell him at least, I feel like being sick. I have not even got over Barns, and now this.  They were both there throughout my 20s - I basically stay in all the time, so have not had more than 4 days apart from them both. I have no one else in life, no parents, no friends no family, like you - they were my everything.  I suppose I can feel lucky that they didn't have any long term illnesses like your lovely Shati - even the vets called my partner before they did his teeth and said "his bloods are better, his liver has improved a lot".  That had me bouncing around work.  Then 3 hours later, gone.  The vet said they basically found this by accident, if they had not, then Megs would have gotten a lot worse and suffered.

So, ok yeah - we did the right thing, but how are we meant to deal with this loss? - it does not go away.  I have to go to work tomorrow and be normal when my world has fallen apart.

Sorry to go on about my situation, just wanted to let you know you, at this moment in time, are certainly not alone in your grief, I share it with you - if you lived down the road from me, I would come and give you a hug and hold a minute of silence.   I feel disgusted on how painful and sad this actually is, that time goes so fast, that something so beautifaul and loyal as a cat can pass away early, litterally nothing will make things better.

So, I'm with you in your grief and hope in time we can both heal.  I will certainly be picking up a shelter cat, in 3 weeks even - no, this might not help, our other cats might not like it (I will introduce properly and do it right) - but it will take some of the attention away from the pain I'm feeling.

I will come back to this thread in 6 months and see how you are doing,

Best of care x

Spencer

Taken 27th June. 

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry!  It would have been nice if the vet had communicated more fully to you about what they were and were not doing.  I'm surprised they'd clean his teeth, I can't get anyone to pull my cat's upper two teeth that have worn down to nothing, they say she's too old and would never survive anesthesia (she's 23).

I love the position your cat is in, shows he feels safe, trusting, to be that vulnerable.  

[SpencerK]

Hello KayC, warmest greetings to you - I have read what you have been through, and commend you on your drive and passion for dealing with the main tragedies you have been faced with. The thing with Megs, was that he had some dodgy liver enzymes, so the vets were looking closer at that - and his teeth did need doing, there were bad.  This is the reason for doing them, it was not until the end they saw his "gagging". Thats when they found the lump.  Imagine if he didn't gag though, and they let him home - he obviously would have suffered.  Smegs was always on his back, even though he didn't like the other two cats, he just did his thing.

Do not want to make this thread mine, so hope Catin does not mind me asking.

Should I feel gusty that Megs died? That I could not save him? I feel he is out there somewhere mad at me.. Stupid I know.  Should I just get on with life knowing I did my best?

Its just i have only got round to getting over Barns, much to the cost of my health - and really do not think my body can handle  another year of woe and misery.  I need to look at this from a different angle this time,

Thanks

Spence

x

[KayC]

Spence,

Animals don't hold things against us, for one, they don't connect the dots, they knew us only as the ones who were "their people", the ones that loved and cared for them, fed them, did special things for them, took them on walks, pet them, etc.  They don't associate us with their physical infirmities, they know us only as the go to person that comforts them.  

Have you read these articles?

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

Hi @SpencerK, I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am to hear what happened to sweet Megs. Of course you should have no guilt, and at least there was no suffering. Still the shock and sudden loss is SO traumatic. There is no easing into a world without him. But you know this.

It happened to me too with my cat. He had a sudden horrific illness of some kind (which was truly terrible to watch) and two hours later we had to put him to sleep. I am at peace (as much as I can be) with what happened and I know in time you will be as well. But my heart will be forever damaged from the experience.

I wish I could say something to make this loss somehow easier or less painless. But when you love something so much and they are gone, time is the only thing that heals. Eventually the memories turn happy instead of your brain trying to make sense of the ending.