Lost husband suddenly..... Don't know what now...

[LJCM]

My husband and I have been together since I was 15 (I am now in my early 30s). We have been through everything together, have 2 young children and we had our whole lives planned out... He died very suddenly about 5 weeks ago in a horrific workplace accident. 

I have not returned to work since, and am just so scared about whats in store for us going forward. Everything we did, we did together. Now I can't even bear the thought of doing it alone. 

I have had the support from my and his family and friends. I just don't know what to do.

[Brandon Keener]

@LJCM

I am sorry for your loss.  I'm on week 5 myself, and I have two children at home as well.  I want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel, and I am glad you are sharing your story.  There is lots of good advice on this forum.  I encourage you to go through it.  There is a very nice lady, @KayC who has helped me in my short journey.  I recommend you view some of her postings.

I am happy you have good support at home.  

[LJCM]

Thank you Brandon. I have been reading for about a week all of the posts here.

It still just doesn't feel real, I am expecting him to still walk through the door. Right now, it's a month of birthdays, it's my daughter's birthday also very soon. How the hell am I supposed to do this without him? 

I am sourcing some counciling for the kids and I have been seeing a therapist weekly. I am so worried about the children, how do they grow up without their dad? 

Brandon, how old are your children? And how are they and you coping? 

I am trying so hard, but it is difficult to see everyone go about their normal day and I just feel like I'm just stuck here. 

[KayC]

LJCM,

I am so sorry, it's so hard when you're so young and have your life ahead of you and did not expect this in the least.  I'm glad you have your families' support.  I will post the tips I wrote based on what I've learned in my journey (it's been 13 years now) and hope you'll print it out and read it from time to time because not everything will resonate with you at once but somewhere down the road another part will spark your attention.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Paluka]

On ‎6‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 5:10 AM, LJCM said:

My husband and I have been together since I was 15 (I am now in my early 30s). We have been through everything together, have 2 young children and we had our whole lives planned out... He died very suddenly about 5 weeks ago in a horrific workplace accident. 

I have not returned to work since, and am just so scared about whats in store for us going forward. Everything we did, we did together. Now I can't even bear the thought of doing it alone. 

I have had the support from my and his family and friends. I just don't know what to do.

LJCM, I am so very sorry for the death of your husband. My wife died very suddenly and unexpectedly. The shock of it will last quite a while.

I know it does not help for me to say this but you will find a way to handle all of these things. I know you do not want to do the birthdays without him but you will. Lean on anyone you can for support. I could not have gotten 1/2 the things done that I did without my family. It hurts like nothing you can express but you will keep going. It's what we all do in one way or another.

My coworker's husband died (suddenly and unexpectedly) 10 days before Lauri (my wife). Today, she sleeps too much and I never have been able to sleep well at all. We are all different. Yet, you will find a way to do these things. When I need to I slip away from the birthday parties or holiday get-togethers so I can cry and talk to her. I compose myself and then return.

It is a tough journey that I am sorry you have to take. Hang in there!  

[KayC]

Paluka, I can relate to what you say, sleep eludes me, my girlfriend however sleeps her life away from depression, weird how it affects us differently in how it manifests.  We all somehow make our way through this as to what works best for us.

[LJCM]

Firstly, @KayC @Brandon Keener @Paluka I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. 

I am still going through a rollercoaster of emotions and I think if it weren't for my kids I don't know where I would be. I am so damn angry, so unbelievably devistated, so very drained not to mention tired.

I am dreading the next few weeks of birthdays, the birth of his little nephew which he won't be able to ever meet, and simply all of the things as a father and a family man, that he will not be able to see. I am just so broken without him here. He is my rock and my best friend. 

@Brandon Keener you are in a similar situation with young children. How are they coping? Do they understand? How are you coping? Have you returned to work as yet? Sorry for all the questions. 

Unfortunately we have all suffered this unbearable loss of our loved ones and I just need to hear how and what got you through.

Almost 18years with my sweetheart and I just don't see any way forward (apart from our 2 beautiful children). I am just so depressed. 

 

[KayC]

One day at a time, it's the only way I've gotten through it.  It's hard to continue with life when they aren't able to share in it with us, we've all faced that, very tough.  Sometimes the birth of a grandchild, etc. can feel bittersweet because of it.

[LJCM]

Thank you @KayC. I keep checking this forum regularly and I think it's because this is the only place that I feel everyone "knows" what I am going through. 

It's my 33rd birthday at the end of the week and yet again, just feels so wrong. My mother said that we need to acknowledge it for our children's sake but I just don't want anything done. Is that wrong? If it were the kids birthdays that would be different and I would of course do something, but for me it's just wrong. 

I spoke to my boss today and said I may consider coming back to work at the end of the month but again, it feels wrong. I don't want to "function". But I have been off for almost 2months and bills obviously don't stop.. 

I just want my husband back!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. 

I am scared as I still have my mother with me but in a few weeks she will return to her normal life and that's when I will begin to notice it. The children will be at school and it will just be an empty house. 

Why did this happen? This is a question I continuously ask. I JUST WANT THE LIFE WE HAD A FEW MONTHS AGO!!!!!!! 

 

[KayC]

It was very hard for me to focus and do my job when George died, I took two weeks off but had to go in on day five to do payroll as there was no one else to do it.  My boss had to do double duty while I was gone.  I had no money so had no choice but get back to work, but in a way it was good because it took up some time and distracted me part of the time.  I had some meltdowns but everyone at work was so nice and understanding, it was a really supportive caring work environment.  Unfortunately they went out of business a few months after George died, it was the beginning of the recession.  A very scary time!

I used to ask why too, I think we all do at first, but I finally quit asking as there were no resounding answers.  I figure it's luck of the draw, no rhyme or reason that I can see.  I know some people think it's fate or God's will, I don't believe that, we have free reign and our choices enter in, some is genetics which we can't control but some is how we live.  I don't think God says, "this one now, that one in 20 years", I just don't think He works like that.  And there's so many things that happen in this world that are not God's will, I think that's the stupidest cliche people ever say to people who are grieving!  

I don't see why you'd have to celebrate your birthday if you don't want to.  Maybe make it low key, have a cake, the kids will probably want to do something for you.  When George died I cried myself to sleep on my birthday because no one remembered, he always made a big deal of it, the disparity was glaring!

Anyway, I hope you get through your birthday okay, I know it can be tough, your first one without him. I hated all of the "firsts without".

[Blakkie]

I lost my husband 15 months ago and it feels like yesterday....my husband died suddenly from a heart attack and I found him collapsed and deceased at the cottage.  I have felt empty since that horrible day...I have read the tips,,,,although I am reminded of them all the time...i find it extremely hard just to be here....surviving is all I can do....i am seeking professional help with little progress....I have not been able to return to work nor do I have the interest to do so...no interest in the things that I used to enjoy....i do have awesome support from friends and family....every day is hard to be here without him....every time i think I can take a step forward,  I think of him and fall back....everything has stood still since that day....just feel so lost and lonely....find it really hard to find joy in things....not that I don't laugh every now and then...I just find that I am up and down with emotions and feel like am bi-polar....its really hard to get out of this....

[Blakkie]

Just now, Blakkie said:

I lost my husband 15 months ago and it feels like yesterday....my husband died suddenly from a heart attack and I found him collapsed and deceased at the cottage.  I have felt empty since that horrible day...I have read the tips,,,,although I am reminded of them all the time...i find it extremely hard just to be here....surviving is all I can do....i am seeking professional help with little progress....I have not been able to return to work nor do I have the interest to do so...no interest in the things that I used to enjoy....i do have awesome support from friends and family....every day is hard to be here without him....every time i think I can take a step forward,  I think of him and fall back....everything has stood still since that day....just feel so lost and lonely....find it really hard to find joy in things....not that I don't laugh every now and then...I just find that I am up and down with emotions and feel like am bi-polar....its really hard to get out of this....

Our soul is ever lasting and bonded for ever.

[LeannC45]

22 minutes ago, Blakkie said:

Our soul is ever lasting and bonded for ever.

I am sorry that you have to experience this pain. I am at 6 months on July 9th and everyday is hard for me as well. I was just thinking that my husband was more then just a partner. He was my family, my friend, a part of my heart and soul. We will be intertwined forever. Plain and simple he was/is a piece of me and when you lose a piece of yourself you are never the same again. I too am struggling to find joy and to figure out what my purpose for being here is. It seems like the almost 18 years I was with my husband went by so fast, it was no where near long enough. We needed a life time together to finish our journey. I too feel like I might be crazy. I am up down all around and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. To me grief is like a vise grip squeezing the life out of you and just before you fall on the floor you are released only to have the process repeated again and again. So exhausting and unrelenting.

[Blakkie]

I have been told that it gets easier after the first year of birthday, anniversary, x-mas,,,etc...But what I have experience is that after that year, its just as hart if not harder...as the fog lifts...you have to experience all of the little things that you did together...that's just as painful....we were together for 25 years....we should've been given the opportunity for at least another 25.....some said in one of the blogs...they don't think this is God's doing....don't know who else would do this....yes we do have free choice but at the end of the day we don't have a say it when he go ...they say our destiny is set before we are born.....so don't know who else to blame....my husband was the love of my life, my partner, my lover, my confidant...he was my right arm and now that he is gone...I may as well have lost my right arm...my heart aches for him every day, with every breath I take..not sure how this is going to end....I am also sorry that you are going through such pain.....

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Blakkie said:

I have been told that it gets easier after the first year of birthday, anniversary, x-mas,,,etc...But what I have experience is that after that year, its just as hart if not harder

I have heard that from most people as well.  I felt it was a relief to get through the first year of "firsts without" but it in no way is easier in the second year, not necessarily the third either.  It takes much time to process your grief, to adjust to living without them in your everyday presence. No matter how many years goes by, we continue to miss and love them.  My husband was my soul mate, he was my lover, my best friend, my companion, he was absolutely everything to me!  My partner, a wonderful stepfather, we spent all our time together when we weren't working, and he used to call me on his breaks, I miss him so much!  He was larger than life, it was hard to understand how he could just die!

I don't believe in the fatalistic thinking that says our life/death was predetermined, if that's the case, why eat healthy, it wouldn't hurt to take chances!  We have free will and with it the consequences, we have no control over the hand we're dealt but we have some say in how it's played.  I do believe God knows our days and everything else, including when we die, but I also think it makes a difference how we live, our eating, exercise, driving, etc.  But sometimes genetics gets us too.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, the pain diminishes in time, although I can't say how long because we vary, but I'm 13 years out now and the pain I was in in those early months/years was excruciating.  It's settled into something I now carry inside me, more like a dull ache as opposed to your heart being cut out without anesthesia...I've learned to coexist with my grief, it is with me, forever changed my life, but I've also learned to look for and embrace those little joys that come our way and try to make the best of my existence.

[Blakkie]

Kay C

Your are right...The pain is excruciating....Although I know my husband has died, I always think or hope he will walk in but I know this is not reality and  never going to happen and when I finally admit that to myself, its heart wrenching.  I also struggle with who to blame....my husband for not living a healthier lifestyle and not telling me about his issues, the doctors for not recognizing the potential risks, God, me for not paying attention more to his aches and pain, and a family member for not telling me about my husband's chest pain before he died....I will never know if having know this would've made a difference....I wished I was not told that....I have to live with the notion that something was wrong and no one did anything about it...

My husband was my everything....we have no children so it was always just the 2 of us....together all the time either at home or at the cottage working on new projects...My husband was my best friend, my confident, my lover, my partner in life....he was my rock....we were and always will be soul mates...he was my right arm....when he died a huge part of me died with him....not sure if I can survive this....it breaks my heart knowing that I may have to live this life without him...I don't know if I can ever enjoy life again....not without him....i keep hoping that God will come and get me so I can be with my husband but everyday i wake up reality sets in again....that I am still here....

I struggle everyday not to take a drink....I was a social drinker before my husband died but since that dreadful day I have consumed a lot more to kill the pain, fill the void, emptiness and loneliness and to sleep.  I know  drinking does not help....some days i understand that but other days i don't care...it helps me to cope at that time.

Thanks for listening.....

[KayC]

Just remember that alcohol is a depressant...NOT what you need right now!  It doesn't help you process your grief and move through it into as positive life as you're able to have, it's a killer.  Lord knows I can understand the temptation to drown everything out, it just doesn't help is all.  It's still hitting you when you come to!

Are you getting grief counseling?  It helps to have someone who has been professionally trained in grief to help us navigate our way through it.  I've been fortunate to have a grief counselor mentor for the last 13 years that I have learned so much from!  (She's the administrator of another grief site.)  Also, it might help you to be part of a grief support group, I lead one here because there's never been one in this small town/country.  I'm just starting up a new group this week.

Another resource is What's Your Grief?

 

 

[Blakkie]

I know you are right in what you are saying...it's just sometimes you just don't give a f....

Yes I am in grief counselling....I have been in counseling for a year...my husband passed away 15 months ago and it feels like it was yesterday....we did discuss support groups..not sure if it's for me....I don't want to have to tell my story in front of strangers....as you know such grief is so personal and I am not sure I am ready to take that step.

 

 

[KayC]

You shouldn't have to talk in front of strangers if you don't want to.  You can listen and know you are not alone in how you feel.  Not trying to tell you what to do, just saying it's not like that.  Our group is really close and we are fortunate we have each other.