I lost my father two months ago

[Nada-khalil]

My Dad was everything to me, my brain refuses to accept the fact that he’s gone , He was okay and he’s only 48 years old, a medical error caused him a non-traumatic brain injury, he stayed in a coma for 55 days before his death.

I don’t know what to say , and I don’t even have the ability to cry, I keep telling myself that it’s not the end and we will see each other again in heaven, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe such a thing, but it’s the only way for me to survive to convince myself that this’s true, because whenever I think that there might be a chance that this’s the end and that I will never see him again ,I swear I feel my soul leaving my body.

I locked my self at home since the day he left, his death was during my final exams and I didn’t go, I haven’t done anything since , I don’t talk to anyone, neither my mother, my siblings and my friends, and I have a lot of suicidal thoughts .

I dream of him almost everyday and I wake up thinking he’s still here , and I have to deal with shock of his death everyday, yesterday I wake up worried about him and I was going to his room to make sure he’s alright, for a few seconds he was alive for me . Then I realized but My brain had something like error it stopped I literally couldn’t even move . 

I refuses to look at his pictures or see anything that belongs to him, and every time that happens I feel so furious and mad at everything even him for leaving me , although I know he would never leave me if it was his choice, not even for heaven, I know him and I know how much he loved us , specially the bond between me and him , we were more than best friends he was my hero .

I know there’s nothing I can do to bring him back , or to even make it easier on myself, I don’t even know why I’m writing this but Maybe I just need to get this out. 

[reader]

Dear Nada,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its incredibly hard to lose a beloved father. I am worried for you because you talked about having suicidal thoughts. I hope you will reach out and consider grief counselling or joining a support group in the community.

I hear how much you loved your father and only wanted more time with him. He sounds like an incredible man. I know the world is horribly unfair. I too was very angry about my father's passing as well.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support each other. Keep writing and expressing yourself. I wish there was someway I could make it better for you.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.