Finally grieving Mom

[mayjunejuly]

It's been a little over four months since my mom died of stage 4 breast cancer, and I feel like I'm only just beginning the process of grieving.

ive been wondering why I haven't been taking it as hard as I thought I would. Last night I had a realization that, I think I had already grieved the loss of my "mom". That happened over the course of getting older, moving away, and seeing her rarely. It also happened over the past 2 years through moments like me, my sister, and my nephew getting the flu and she couldn't come take care of us. I grieved the loss of my mother when she was too sick to help me make doctors appointments. It happened when she couldn't make it to my cousins wedding because she was too ill to travel. It happened when she would sit quietly in her chair when the whole family was over for Christmas (and her usual position would be up and around, cooking and hosting and mingling). I grieved the loss of my mom a lot before she died.

Im finally realizing that even though I took on the role of "20 year old who lost her mom" and was fine with that, i have to actually grieve the loss of my mom, the person. I have to grieve the loss of Lisa. And the thought of that is just too much too bear.

im finding it difficult to talk about her. To talk to my family. To think about her. It's just too hard to go there right now.

Has anyone had an experience like this? Not really starting the true grieving process until months later? 

[reader]

Dear mayjunejuly,

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Our minds and bodies will do what is necessary to protect us and sometimes that means grieving later. We all have to do what is right for us.

From what you are saying it sounds like you had a lot of anticipatory grief and now you are having delayed grief. It's all normal and natural.

Please don't feel any pressure to conform to what others expect. It is your grief journey and it will take many shapes and forms.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.