18 months lost abusive ex

[Odette]

This is so hard for me to share. My life is like a catastrophe slowing happening over years and it has just been so painful. 

My wonderful awful ex fiancé died in a car accident 18 months ago after drinking so much most normal people would have been in a coma, let alone driving a car.

He died and left me with our little girl to raise on my own. He could be so kind and wonderful and he had so many friends but behind closed doors he was an abusive alcoholic. He locked me out of the house twice - the first time he dragged me asleep from our bed and fought with me then forced me out the front door at 2am. I was in my underwear, my child in the house. He was a monster but also so loving and kind when he was being the nice guy. I loved him so much. I tried to make it work but it just got worse and worse. I had to leave him and I hurt him so much by doing so.

Then we did speak to each other again after a few months and I tried again to get him to change, go to counselling etc, stop drinking. He couldn't stop. He was an alcoholic and drinking meant more to him than anything else in his life. He was convinced he drove better when drunk. Yep that kind of guy. 

The week before he died I told hm it was definitely over, I couldn't bear the drinking and the abuse any more and could never get back together with him. He asked me to go camping with him that weekend and I said no. The saturday night he died. He had been drinking since Friday night. He had the care of our little daughter that friday night and I spoke to him on the phone and heard him slurring his words. He went to a party on the Saturday and kept drinking. He was meant to have our child with him that whole weekend but I had swapped with him as I was going away the following weekend. Thank god she is alive and wasn't hurt and thank god he didn't wipe out anyone else with his actions.

It's just that now I miss him and my little girl misses him and I have had to move countries as his mother is abusive and has blamed me for his death. I have very little support, and I feel this is all so hard. I had wished to die before he did and now I am forced to live and to keep going. This is such a cruel evil world and I just don't understand how or why this can happen and why we have to suffer so much. Is this a lesson God is teaching? Did I do something terribly wrong somewhere along the line to have such tragedy. When will it ever get better? 

[NoID]

56 minutes ago, Odette said:

I loved him so much. I tried to make it work but it just got worse and worse. I had to leave him and I hurt him so much by doing so. It's just that now I miss him and my little girl misses him and I have had to move countries as his mother is abusive and has blamed me for his death. I have very little support, and I feel this is all so hard. I had wished to die before he did and now I am forced to live and to keep going. This is such a cruel evil world and I just don't understand how or why this can happen and why we have to suffer so much. Is this a lesson God is teaching? Did I do something terribly wrong somewhere along the line to have such tragedy. 

I am sorry for your loss Odette, I know how you feel. I was in an abusive relationship, not physically but verbally and it mentally drained me. I put up with it for 6 years, every time my partner promised me he'd change, he didn't. Sometimes it broke my heart so much that I didn't understand why he'd behave in such a way. It wasn't always like that, there were good times too, when he wasn't drinking or when he had better days we were happy. But in the end, it got worst. He'd disappear for weeks, with no words, no explanations, no apologies. He took his own life to suicide, and I understand how you feel about being blamed and feeling guilty even. His family blame me, they blame me for being distant towards him in the end, (for not saving him) but I had nothing left to give him or myself in the end and now I wish I did. (I was burnt out, his family didn't see the other side to him that I did) Even though it was a rocky relationship, I miss him like crazy too, he was somehow still my best friend, the one that I still shared everything with. I know he had a heart underneath that cold exterior. You shouldn't be forced to move countries, this isn't your fault. Thankfully your little girl wasn't hurt in all this process. I hope you find the strength to get through this for yourself and your little girl  It is hard and I feel the same with the little support, so I come on here to vent when I am upset with everything. Anytime you feel alone, come on here and talk, it helps me on bad days xx

[KayC]

Odette,

I am so sorry for all you are going through and that now you are having to raise your child alone.  It sounds like you were doing just that anyway.  Yes, thank God he didn't take someone with him and that your child is safe.  Alcoholics often hurt other people, even if unintentional...unintentional doesn't help much when the result is the same.  My father was alcoholic and it's a wonder he didn't kill us or someone else with his driving.  The cops were too lenient in those days, I don't know how he ever walked a straight line.  Yet I loved him, he was my dad.  He was better than my mom, who was mental and abusive.  We have to have one good parent in our mind so we lower expectation on "the good one"...but in reality, they both let us down.  They were not good parents.

Your little girl can be raised without growing up in an alcoholic household, thankfully.  
But that doesn't mean you don't miss the good parts of him.  There was something that drew you to him, and you can relay those good parts to your daughter as she's growing up and asking about him.  But I wouldn't sugarcoat it entirely, let her know the genes are there to be careful of...I raised my kids in an abstinence household, if they were alcoholic, I didn't want to contribute to it further, but I let them know their grandpa on one side and their grandmother on the other side were both alcoholics and they had a 50/50 chance of being so too.  My son has chosen to never have a drink and find out, my daughter has about a drink a year and does not show signs of alcohoism...but she married someone who has since started drinking and shown himself to be alcoholic.    It's a hard disease and destroyer is it's middle name.

I've also shared with my kids the wonderful parts of my dad, their grandpa they never knew, he died before they were born. I've told them how we got our sense of humor from him, what a hard worker he was, what a master builder (he was a carpenter) and our perfectionism came from him and others in the family.

It's okay to hate some traits and love others.  We can have a myriad of feelings all at once, all of them valid.  You made the right choice in breaking off with him, don't second guess yourself now or assume responsibility where it doesn't belong.  His family wants to vilify you...let them go.  It's their loss.  You can't surround yourself by such people.  When we're grieving, especially in those early months/years, we need positive support, not negative.  I applaud you for making some good decisions for yourself and your child.

[Odette]

Thank you Regretful and KayC, I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply. I am sorry for your losses as well and I do really sometimes feel like I should stop feeling sorry for myself as of course this happens all the time to so many people everywhere. But everyone has a different story and it's all the stuff around these tragic events that make them even harder.

I guess I have just been running and now I am finally settled and facing the grief again- it is like it comes in waves and just when I start to feel okay, it starts to crash onto me again without warning and I feel like I'm back at square one. And you are right it is tough when there are so many mixed emotions - guilt, relief, sadness, longing. But I do know in my heart I did do the right thing in leaving and Regretful always remember that no one can fix anyone else in life - you can help and be there but you can't fix anyone else. Even giving support has to end somewhere, I think as the drinking gets worse, their brain is more damaged and it's a vicious but unavoidable downward spiral. My ex was drink driving even when all was going really well. He turned up to the hospital when I was in labour and he couldn't walk in a straight line, that was after a 2 hour drive. His whole family think it is normal to drink and drive so what hope did he have really I guess.

I do have many things to be grateful for and I thank God for my darling little girl and my job is now, as it always has been, to keep her safe which I will continue to do. But every now and then I guess I have to give in and have a good cry. I hope time makes it better and you're right KayC I will tell her when she is older. At the moment Daddy is her hero and I want her to believe he was all good for as long as possible.

Sometimes it is so strange but I hear him talk to me - sometimes they are kind words but other times it is the nastiness. It scares me still.

[NoID]

11 hours ago, Odette said:

I guess I have just been running and now I am finally settled and facing the grief again- it is like it comes in waves and just when I start to feel okay, it starts to crash onto me again without warning and I feel like I'm back at square one. And you are right it is tough when there are so many mixed emotions - guilt, relief, sadness, longing. But I do know in my heart I did do the right thing in leaving and Regretful always remember that no one can fix anyone else in life - you can help and be there but you can't fix anyone else. Even giving support has to end somewhere, I think as the drinking gets worse, their brain is more damaged and it's a vicious but unavoidable downward spiral. My ex was drink driving even when all was going really well. He turned up to the hospital when I was in labour and he couldn't walk in a straight line, that was after a 2 hour drive. His whole family think it is normal to drink and drive so what hope did he have really I guess.

 But every now and then I guess I have to give in and have a good cry. I hope time makes it better and you're right KayC I will tell her when she is older. At the moment Daddy is her hero and I want her to believe he was all good for as long as possible. Sometimes it is so strange but I hear him talk to me - sometimes they are kind words but other times it is the nastiness. It scares me still.

You sound like a great mum Odette, you're protecting your daughter from what she doesn't need to know right now at an early age, that's all you can do, protect her, love her and live for her. The spouses always get blamed when their partner passes away, it seems like a natural thing to do, but the reality is you know the truth, you gave everything to this man to try and support him, but like you said the support has to end somewhere. What his family/mother probably don't realise is how much his behavior affected you through out the years and how much you went through. They want to paint him as perfect, which is natural under the circumstances and grief.  I've decided from yesterday to move forward and cut all communication with my late partner's family, being in contact won't help them or me. It's sad because I loved his family, but whilst they need someone to blame and grieve, it's not an ideal situation. I still hear my ex too, and like you sometimes they are angry words, which I am scared off and sometimes they are gentle loving words. I try to ignore the angry words. It's okay to break down and cry sometimes but be kind to yourself and keep moving forward. Some say everything in life happens for a reason xx

[Odette]

Thank you so much Regretful - I really feel for you. It's hard too as I feel like I need to hide my grief from my family as they think I should just be relieved now he is gone, but as in your situation, he was my best friend and we were together for just over 7 years. We certainly had our good times as well as the bad and I really grieve the future we will never have together.

I remember from Stranger Things where Will's step father tells him he should stand up to the bully at school so Will stops running from the monster and turns and faces it and it takes over his whole body. That's how I feel about the negative ex in-laws. Sometimes you have to stand and face things but sometimes the only way to save yourself is to run away. It's not cowardly, I see it as survival, I think you are doing the right thing. One day maybe time will heal and they will get a more rational perspective but maybe not. In the meantime life must go on and we need to make new happy memories. Not that I want to forget him, but we deserve some happiness. Maybe that's the lesson or the reason, life is short and we need to try and make the most of it. I just can't help wishing for time to go by to numb that intense pain but that's probably also a lesson - patience. I've never been good at that.

 

[KayC]

On 6/26/2018 at 12:42 PM, Odette said:

I do know in my heart I did do the right thing in leaving

Keep that uppermost in your mind, and you know what?  He knows it too and would not hold it against you.  It's hard for me to talk about, but I feel it's necessary to bring it up to you, my husband was using Meth, his boss got him onto it so he'd work harder, he was already working as hard as he could and they were breaking the law with his weight limitations, but they didn't care about that so long as they could make more bucks off him.  He came to me three weeks before he died and confessed, he was in treatment when he had a heart attack, and then suffered another fatal one two days later.  The surgeon said it wasn't due to the meth but I think he just said that to make me feel better, it sure as hell didn't help him any!  The company never even sent a card to me when he died, let alone attended his funeral, although coworkers did.  They didn't care.  Another coworker died two months later and they sent a supervisor to his door to delivered a "your fired" notice for not showing up to work...he was dead.

All I know, I've learned to take the whole of the person, and not just the part, and remember all of him, the him that was so caring, so hardworking, loving, and not just the part that screwed up.  He was trying.

Whatever helps you through this, hang onto that, remember the good parts of him and learn from the rest.  (((hugs)))

[Odette]

KayC - thank you so much for sharing. That is just so sad and must have caused you even more pain. I am so sorry that people can do these things to each other. I wonder when money took over from humanity. I know my ex was not only drinking, I found lots of pills clearing up and marijuana as well. He had sore knees and a sore arm and sometimes took prescription drugs on top of the alcohol. He had just been put on anti-depressants as well. If he hadn't been wearing a seat belt I would have thought the accident was on purpose but I am choosing to believe it was an accident.

You are right - I should hold on to the good parts and learn from the rest. That's a great way to put it. Thank you again. I feel better today even though my muddled brain has meant I have lost something important, I feel like I am able to cope. Thanks to you and Regretful. I think it takes someone who understands to provide this type of support. I would never have dreamt of writing all this online but I am really glad I did.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Odette said:

I feel better today even though my muddled brain has meant I have lost something important, I feel like I am able to cope.

Oh I know the muddled brain feel!  They call it grief fog and it hits us all, makes it hard to focus or think with clarity, harder to do our jobs, etc.  Lord knows how we survive with it, I feel like I'm not the same person as I was before!

My grief forum was my saving grace in the years following George's death.  Grief has become, in a way, my life, because I want to pay it forward, I don't want anyone going through this alone.  I remember all too well how it felt in those early times.  I keep up on my original site, plus this one, and I lead a grief support group.  I remember that bible verse that we are to comfort others with the same comfort God has given us.  I believe in using everything we go through in life, to learn from, to shape and mold who we are and be there for others in their time of need.

Yeah, I don't think someone would use a seat belt if they were trying to commit suicide.  Pretty sure not!  Sometimes they may have not made the best decisions but that doesn't take away from their good qualities or what we had together.  My husband was the first to understand me and have faith in me, and I felt the same way about him!

[Odette]

Thanks KayC. It is lovely to hear you help others. I have friends staying with me at the moment and they just don't understand and I can't tell them how I feel as they saw the bad sides of him and were instrumental in helping me to leave him when I did. I think my friend feels I should just be getting on with things but every thing is so hard to do. I need to find a new job, a car, new friends and even though my brother is visiting this country, he is travelling with his ex wife and she doesn't want to spend any time with me as she has always been just strangely jealous of how my brother and I get along. It's just crushing, and then I have to go over all the old abuse as now my ex MIL is trying to take me to court as she wants access to our daughter. It is like - how much stronger do I need to be or can I be? I just can't cope but I have to for my little one. 

[KayC]

I had a sister that jumped all over me for mourning the loss of a husband I divorced and badly needed to.  I told her, I know with my brain but it takes a little longer to reach my heart, this is a process!  Nothing about it is cut and dried.  I'm glad for her that she's so black and white, makes her life easier, but for me...well people are multifaceted, and so are our feelings.

Odette, I don't know how much more you can take, it seems overwhelming and unbearable, I know that, just try to prioritize what needs dealt with in that moment the worst, and deal with that, constantly reassessing priorities as to what you have to deal with that day, and take that on and let the rest fall to back burner until it moves up, at least that's what I do and it helps me.  You have a lot you're working through and I have to hand it to you, you're doing it.  You have us here for emotional support, come here any time and vent, we're listening and caring!  I wish we could do more than that.

[Odette]

Thanks KayC. I think I need to find more support. I have some good friends just a phone call away but feel like I don't want to bother them but I'm sure they'd be happy to talk to me. I just feel bad that I can't just pull it together and be stronger, but I think I just can't do it. I hid my feelings for the past week but now my friends have gone I am relieved but also know I need to do something to get better. I can't give in. I just don't know where to start. I wish it would all just end and then I'd be so relieved. I don't understand why it has to be so tough, why can't life be easy for everyone? What really is the point of suffering so much and feeling all this loss and anger and regret. He told me he felt so down and I did nothing but refuse to spend any more time with him. I didn't wish for him to die. But I had to detach myself from him as I could see he was on a path to self-destruction. I just feel like I'm the monster now - the one who was so cold and heartless -  but I still loved him (I still do), I couldn't bear to watch- it's just so awful.

He died from drink driving and it's the most bitter "I told you so" in history.

I feel like I need time to recover and to feel sad but I also feel like this is dangerous to be so swept up by the emotions and maybe I should try and keep busy and keep moving on. Is it all too early at 18 months to feel like this?

[KayC]

I remember reading a book years and years ago called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", it made some sense to me.  I think sometimes we look for reason where there is none, or if we learn from our journey, it is later, in retrospect, at the time it's like we're blindly clawing and scratching our way through the darkness.  I also got a lot out of "Dark Night of the Soul" (1600) and St Teresa of Avila's books.  It helped me to understand that there are times we go through a dark place where we feel so alone, but somehow we get through it.  When George died I couldn't seem to pray for the first year, I'd try but it seemed to fall on deaf ears...I later realized God was there all the time, carrying me through it, I just couldn't perceive it in the darkness of my soul.  Such profound things as this, losing our spouse, there are no words...

No it's not too early to feel like this at 18 months, at six months!  Emotions are powerful, but they are not always merely factual.  A balance of keeping busy and letting yourself experience the pain and tears is good because it helps you process and not avoid your grief, but you also need some respite, some time to function, to even experience smiling, however momentary.

[Deserted]

-

[NoID]

I read your last post last night, and it felt like you were echoing the exact words that I felt inside. This week has been so tough for me, I went from trying to be brave and strong to breaking down every night crying in my pillow. I miss my late partner too, so much it feels like my heart might just stop beating any day. The saddest part is I try to think of the good and happy memories, but I am struggling, every good memory is followed by something hurtful or spiteful, the only good things I can think of are the sad desperate yet loving words of him telling me he loved me in the end and that he needed me and me pushing him away. If only we could rewind time? I remember I would hear his voice in my head with angry words at times, but now it's me that's angry, angry that he has done this to me and left me in this mental state of mind, angry that he could give up on us instead of fixing his problems, angry that his last messages to me were telling me that I let him down, angry that he has painted such a bad picture of me, angry with God for taking him away from me and angry with myself for letting him down. All these years of loving him and trying to be there for him, he resented it, he pushed me away but in the end I like you feel like I am the 'Monster'. He has left me doubting my own personality, he has made me feel like a cold-hearted witch, and that is exactly what all his family think of me. Why? because he chose to express himself after 6 years into the relationship and right at the very end when I had given up and had nothing left to give. I spent so many years trying to love him, he was all I wanted and loved, and in the end I feel more broken now, more broken than any hurtful thing he did to me in the past. It feels so unfair. My friends and family like yours only remember him hurting me, so they can't understand why I'm hurting so much. I hate being around family events, just looking at the sky brings tears to my eyes and I don't allow family or friends to see me cry, so I bottle it up, act normal and can't wait when the day is over to go home and just cry into my pillow and let it all out. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine, he was still my everything. That's love right? even when they hurt you, you take them for everything they are....I can't believe he's gone. It breaks me that this guy I loved so much was in that much pain that he could do this. It breaks me that I turned him away when he most needed me. It's 2 months 1 week and I'm still in the shock stage. Life just feels lonely without him, I would rather have him in my life quarreling with him, than to not have him here at all. 

[KayC]

You are not the monster.  You have every right to feel anger.  You wanted normal, you didn't get it, I'm so sorry for all of your pain.  You did nothing wrong, quite the opposite, and I hope in time you realize that.  Our feelings can be so confusing!

@Deserted  I'm not sure why you deleted your post, but I assure you it's okay to post your feelings here, we'd like to be there for you, there's power in knowing we are heard and understood, that our feelings are valid.

[NoID]

I miss him so much KayC. I go through at least 5 different emotions every day, the most being heart ache. I really do now understand real heartbreak and I wish I didn't have too. I can't even stay angry with him for long, how can I? I loved him so much, and now he's gone. How can I stay mad with him, even through everything he put our relationship through, I want him back. I want him here breathing, and next to me. We didn't finish our journey together, we barely started!! 6 years is nothing!! I just hate life right now. This isn't how I expected my life to be, this is the most horrible unexpected thing that can get thrown on a person, losing that one person you love so much.

[KayC]

We were in each other's lives 6 1/2 years too, and now it's twice that he's been gone, doesn't seem possible.  He impacted my life forever!  I draw from the love we shared, someone posted on my profile about my love bank, my love bank was overflowing from him, to the point I won't run out the rest of my life!  He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me and we were perfect together.

It is harder than anyone can imagine, anyone who hasn't gone through it, they don't allow themselves to even think about it with any depth, I'm sure it'd scare the heebie-jeebies out of them!

[Odette]

Thanks KayC again - you are right I am not the monster that I feel I am. I just need to try and get over the guilty feeling. I really cried reading your post NoID.

On 7/11/2018 at 12:18 PM, NoID said:

The saddest part is I try to think of the good and happy memories, but I am struggling, every good memory is followed by something hurtful or spiteful, the only good things I can think of are the sad desperate yet loving words of him telling me he loved me in the end and that he needed me and me pushing him away. If only we could rewind time? I remember I would hear his voice in my head with angry words at times, but now it's me that's angry, angry that he has done this to me and left me in this mental state of mind, angry that he could give up on us instead of fixing his problems, angry that his last messages to me were telling me that I let him down, angry that he has painted such a bad picture of me, angry with God for taking him away from me and angry with myself for letting him down.

It is exactly how I feel too - I think reading lots about grief everyone feels angry and guilty and that's all part of it, It's just really tricky when no one else besides those who have been through it themselves understand. 2 months is such a short time. I can tell you it does get better even though I still feel bereft, I can have days when I can see light at the end of the tunnel and there is much to be grateful for. It's just like the Lord's prayer - walking through the valley of death. But I think God is there, by our side. It's just so hard sometimes but take comfort that you are not alone. 

[KayC]

I love how you say this 

20 hours ago, Odette said:

It's just like the Lord's prayer - walking through the valley of death. But I think God is there, by our side. It's just so hard sometimes but take comfort that you are not alone.