LOST

[NoID]

I feel like ****. I guess I came on here to express my feelings again....If you didn't know, I am the final trigger that caused my boyfriend of 6 years to kill himself to suicide. In the end our relationship was 80% arguments hurting each other back and forth. He ended it with me in February and I had given up of trying to make it work by April. I still loved him but I felt everything he said was to manipulate me, to hurt me and was a lie. I was no saint but he lied and hurt me so much throughout the years with his actions that I didn't know how to believe him anymore. After his death I found out that all these years he lied about the real truth of his depression, and that it was severe anxiety he battled. I never knew about the anxiety because he hid it so well. (Though from his behavior, it makes sense) In April he told me he loved me, and that he had distanced himself because he wanted to kill himself, I didn't take him seriously. (It wasn't the first time I heard this in 6 years) I didn't trust/believe him anymore that's the truth. He tried to talk to me, I was cold and pushed him away. So he killed himself. He needed me to love him and I let him down. He told me I let him down before killing himself. 

Now my life feels empty. Everyday I cry, blame myself and can't move forward. I try too but I can't, things seem to get worst instead of better. I really did love him then and still do now, I miss him and just want to end everything to be with him. I thought one day we'd be okay. I was wrong. Everything in my life has changed now and honestly, I don't know what I am still doing here without him. I'm really scared if I age, one day he won't recognize me in heaven or love me anymore. He died at 37. I can't even visit his ashes to his future grave, because his family hate and blame me, I don't blame them, I hate me. I could have saved him, but I was selfish, cold and lacked compassion. In the end without realizing I treated him how he treated me. I used to yell at him that his behavior was wrong, but in the end I was worse.

I feel empty inside, emotionless, cold, like I have just stopped caring.

[Jamiei]

I’m so sorry for your loss and for the blame you feel and the way his family is treating you!  You are not responsible for his suicide. I think guilt after your loved one dies is an emotion we all feel. My boyfriend went through addictions while we were together, he went to treatment and conquered them very successfully, never relapsed in 4 years! I was so very proud of him but was also very hard on him and watched him and held him accountable. In my heart I know I helped him through his sobriety! But when he passed away I regretted several things I did because I was scarred of losing him to his addiction again! I was hard on him but today I know that’s what kept him sober and made his last 4 years of his life very happy.  You hopefully will realize you loved him the best you could but sometimes you can’t save people from there own demons. Again I am so very sorry for everything your going through!

[NoID]

On 6/26/2018 at 12:37 AM, Jamiei said:

I’m so sorry for your loss and for the blame you feel and the way his family is treating you!  You are not responsible for his suicide. I think guilt after your loved one dies is an emotion we all feel. My boyfriend went through addictions while we were together, he went to treatment and conquered them very successfully, never relapsed in 4 years! I was so very proud of him but was also very hard on him and watched him and held him accountable. In my heart I know I helped him through his sobriety! But when he passed away I regretted several things I did because I was scarred of losing him to his addiction again! I was hard on him but today I know that’s what kept him sober and made his last 4 years of his life very happy.  You hopefully will realize you loved him the best you could but sometimes you can’t save people from there own demons. Again I am so very sorry for everything your going through!

Hi Jamiei, I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend too, I know that horrible feeling you feel inside when you have lost that one person you loved most in the world and you just want them back. My boyfriend used to drink too on and off for years, sometimes he'd get so horrible when he was drunk but he did try hard in the end to stop drinking and change his life, but he couldn't find it in himself to see the positives in life, everything dragged him down. I miss him but I am mad at him for all of this. I just feel like all of these years of trying to love him, he was cold and unemotional, never expressed himself, and finally in the end when he tried too because I turned my back on him for one second, he ruined everyone's life who ever loved him through this action. One day I am crying to not live anymore and the next I hate him for what he has done. I hate him for those last hurtful text messages he left me but at the same time I still love him.

[KayC]

If he took his life to make you feel bad, that isn't a loving act.  His actions were his, not yours, you are not responsible for his death.  I think it's a little more complicated than that, suicide is usually depression driven and you can't hold others responsible for it.  I had a friend and coworker that commit suicide even while he was getting treatment for his mental health, his family did everything they could for him, yet he still did it.  We can't hold them responsible but neither can we hold ourselves responsible.

I'm sorry you are putting so much on yourself and it's unfair of his family to blame you, but they feel they need someone to blame and they don't want to be their own scapegoats so you're the handy target, I'm sorry, don't accept it from them.  I hope you're getting professional help for this, it's much too much to try to navigate on your own.

Tomorrow morning there is a free webinar on Understanding Why People Die by Suicide and I hope you will sign up and watch it.  Follow this link here https://www.eventbrite.com/e/understanding-why-people-die-by-suicide-tickets-46933505378

[NoID]

On 6/26/2018 at 3:55 PM, KayC said:

If he took his life to make you feel bad, that isn't a loving act.  His actions were his, not yours, you are not responsible for his death.  I think it's a little more complicated than that, suicide is usually depression driven and you can't hold others responsible for it.  I had a friend and coworker that commit suicide even while he was getting treatment for his mental health, his family did everything they could for him, yet he still did it.  We can't hold them responsible but neither can we hold ourselves responsible.

I'm sorry you are putting so much on yourself and it's unfair of his family to blame you, but they feel they need someone to blame and they don't want to be their own scapegoats so you're the handy target, I'm sorry, don't accept it from them.  I hope you're getting professional help for this, it's much too much to try to navigate on your own.

Tomorrow morning there is a free webinar on Understanding Why People Die by Suicide and I hope you will sign up and watch it.  Follow this link here https://www.eventbrite.com/e/understanding-why-people-die-by-suicide-tickets-46933505378

Thank you KayC, I think we have a slight time difference but I will register now to sign up and watch it. I don't know why this has all happened but it hurts. Maybe God is testing my strength right now. I decided that it's okay if his family blame me for his death, his parents are in their late 60s/70s, I love them because I loved him and if it helps them through their grief to feel upset towards me then its okay, I wouldn't want them hurting thinking it was their fault, not at their age and not with their health problems. Maybe God wants it that way. Thank you again for all your kind words and support xx