Please help me with the death of my cat!

[Shiftysideswipe]

A week ago tomorrow my baby Doodle passed away of head trauma, and im still finding it hard to cope. I know to some of you the loss of a pet may not seem like the end of the world but for me it has been; she was born in the house I was raised in (where I live still now) when I was 5, and I grew up alongside her as my best friend. We did everything together, even going on walks, doing tricks and playing fetch (though she never picked up the stick), even after a car meant that her back leg had to be removed, interestingly on the day of the opening ceremony of the paralympic games in 2012. To cut a long long long story short (even though its still long haha), one day around May-ish she came back unable to lift her tail, though we were concerned, it didnt seem to bother her too much and my parents (who are doctors) figured since it wasn't broken that it was best to leave it. We had recently redone the house too, so she didn't spend a lot of time at home, rather hunting in the woods as she adored being outside. But then her adventures took her to a dangerous road not too far from where we live and she was luckily picked up by the RSPCA and spent the night there before being returned to us. But she wasn't returned the same, because we noticed she was blind suddenly. We rushed her to the vet who was incredibly unhelpful, and told us to just wait and see what happened as she slowly wasted away and refused to eat (i had to inject water and jelly into her mouth) . We as a family realised it was head trauma as she seemed confused, and sadly after slowly getting better, she became unable to walk, and started having seizures. I did everything for her, at the expense of my internal exams, including washing her and feeding and taking her outside. She was only ok if someone was holding her and her seizures would cease and she would purr gently. We made the decision to put her down, intitally it would have been tomorrow (Tuesday), but that was shortened to the Friday, but my Mum took her to the vet the Tuesday before as her condition worsened rapidly, to which they said that it had to be done that day. I was on a trip that day and so, after having to sprint across my city to get a train home on time so I could be there for her "putting down", barely catching the train and arriving home on time, i had found out she died a few hours ago naturally and i had no idea and didn't get to say goodbye.

I've done nothing but cry since and i honestly dont know what to do. My house feels so empty (even though Doodles mother is around she isnt very cuddly like Doodle was) i honestly feel like ive lost a soulmate. I cant believe i have to live the rest of my life without her. She was my best friend and sister, and when i had a bad time a few years ago it was her that brought me out and saved me, and it breaks my heart that i couldnt save her. My eyes hurt so damned much from the solid crying ive done this week. I'm 17 and haven't experienced death before, so i really need some help because i feel like i might die myself because of how horrifically sad i feel, i miss her so badly it makes it feel like no one has ever felt this way before, which i know is untrue. I dont know how long itll take to move on from, i dont know if ill see her again and most of all i don't know if i did the right thing. I contacted a pet medium to try and find out, but she hasnt responded (i know thats the level of crazy im at).i dont even think i can have a pet again if this is how youre supposed to feel after they pass. She was the one who helped me deal with bad stuff and now shes gone i dont know what to do. 

Anyway, thanks for reading this long post with its terrible grammar, if anyone can tell me what to do id really appreciate it. Thanks x 

[Beatriz]

This is how we feel. I’ve lost my two cats within a period of five months and the Pain is devastating. I am so sorry to hear about your loss - one of my cats was black like yours and I say she took my Joy with her. You are not mad. A friend who lost one of her 12 cats recently posted this poem and I am sending it hoping you can relate. I am older than you and had experienced grief before but never like that of losing both my cats. I wish I could say more to comfort you - as you read other related postings you will see many of us are struggling and trying to make some sense of the circumstances in which our losses took place i.e. When we are not sobbing our souls out. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that Love survives this. You go on loving. And Doodle’s love stays with you. 

[kuningsmum]

Hi there,
I can totally relate to how you must have felt. I have just recently lost my cat and I can't even describe with words how devastated I am. I cannot say much, as I myself still grieving. But perhaps it will be a little comforting to know that you are not alone. To me, losing my cat is like losing a member of my family. He is my source of comfort. He was suffering from pancreatitis. It broke my heart watching him slowly lost his weight, his appetite, and begin to hide from us every now and then. Sometimes I didn't know what to do. We took him to the vet many times. Still, I cannot escape this feeling of guilt, of questioning whether I've done enough. All I want is for him to return to my arms one day, when the time has come. Meanwhile, may our cats rest peacefully now...

[Shiftysideswipe]

Hi thanks for your response, you completely understand how i feel. Its just horrible. At least we can know our cats arent in any pain anymore, and that while we may beat ourselves over it, we did everything we could. We gave them a good life and thats all we can do for our cats, we should focus on the good times and how lucky we are to have known them. But im still trying to figure out how to without that dull pain in my heart. We'll get there

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Shiftysideswipe said:

I know to some of you the loss of a pet may not seem like the end of the world but for me it has been

To those of us here, we understand, our pets mean everything.  I lead a grief support group and have immersed myself in learning about grief since the loss of my husband 13 years ago and have learned much in that time.  I have heard it said that the greatest grief in the world is our own grief, and that is true.  Some who are not pet people may not get it, but those of us here, we are and we do get it.

I am so sorry for what happened to her and that it resulted in her death.  I know how hard it is to go on when we're missing the one we love, I try to stay in today, it's all I can handle anyway, and find much solace in our memories.  It takes much time to process all this, it's like it's put our brain through trauma, and it can take a while before the memories stop bringing pain and start bringing comfort, but it'll get there eventually.  (((hugs)))

[AJWCat]

Oh my what a terrible loss - I am so sorry.  

Believe me I know the "level of crazy" you are at, I was as heartbroken as someone could be and still have a beating heart. That said, as painful as it is... time is the only thing that heals. Grief is the new emotion now and it takes a while to process and deal with.