Scared and it keeps getting worse

[Justmeandthekids]

My love died in November, he went into the icu the night we found out from the doctors that I am pregnant. He knew for an entire 9 hours that we were pregnant and I have been alone since (other than my 5 year old daughter) I am starting into my 9th month of pregnancy and getting ready to have his son and the doctors have put me on zoloft, it seems to help if you consider not feeling any emotions "helping" . I dont sleep in our bed, I sleep on the couch. I dont like to leave my house not even for doctors Apts. He was my soul mate and I hate that I get to be here for the birth if his son and he doesnt. I hate that I feel like a choice was made for me when I would have chosen him. I cant get above this, it's seriously slowly killing me. I love my son but the excitment is rarely there and I feel awful for that. I dont know. I'm just rambling. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how I even feel honestly. I'm just numb. 

[vernkathy]

1 hour ago, Justmeandthekids said:

't My love died in November, he went into the icu the night we found out from the doctors that I am pregnant. He knew for an entire 9 hours that we were pregnant and I have been alone since (other than my 5 year old daughter) I am starting into my 9th month of pregnancy and getting ready to have his son and the doctors have put me on zoloft, it seems to help if you consider not feeling any emotions "helping" . I dont sleep in our bed, I sleep on the couch. I dont like to leave my house not even for doctors Apts. He was my soul mate and I hate that I get to be here for the birth if his son and he Wadoesnt. I hate that I feel like a choice was made for me when I would have chosen him. I cant get above this, it's seriously slowly killing me. I love my son but the excitment is rarely there and I feel awful for that. I dont know. I'm just rambling. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how I even feel honestly. I'm just numb. 

I wish there was something I could say to make this better for you. I can't imagine being left to have the child you created together. Was it a heart attack or an accident? The grief can be so debilitating and I also think we have to fake it until we make it. You have every right to feel the feelings you do. I think he would want you to embrace his child. Really I hope that saying that doesn't make you feel worse. I just want to let you know I care and life really is unfair. You will make it through and you will be with him again one day. I don't know your story, but I do know that this journey is so incredibly hard. I am praying for you.

[Jamiei]

I am so sorry for your loss... I recently joined this forum and am In Shock so many people are also going through what I am.  I know everyone’s story Is different but our grief is all the same. All I can say to you is I’m so sorry, but this new baby will bring you so much joy, it might take some time but the love you have for your fiancé will be there when this baby comes! I will keep you in my prayers

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Justmeandthekids said:

My love died in November, he went into the icu the night we found out from the doctors that I am pregnant. He knew for an entire 9 hours that we were pregnant and I have been alone since (other than my 5 year old daughter) I am starting into my 9th month of pregnancy and getting ready to have his son and the doctors have put me on zoloft, it seems to help if you consider not feeling any emotions "helping" . I dont sleep in our bed, I sleep on the couch. I dont like to leave my house not even for doctors Apts. He was my soul mate and I hate that I get to be here for the birth if his son and he doesnt. I hate that I feel like a choice was made for me when I would have chosen him. I cant get above this, it's seriously slowly killing me. I love my son but the excitment is rarely there and I feel awful for that. I dont know. I'm just rambling. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how I even feel honestly. I'm just numb. 

I'm so sorry you lost your husband and just when you were going to have another child!  I hope you have good support with you, family, friends who will be there for you and your kids.  I also hope you're seeing a grief counselor to help you navigate your way through this, it can be nigh impossible on your own.

I wrote this based on what I've learned on my grief journey, it's been 13 years now.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Glolilly]

I can't help but think this is a complicated grief because you can't grieve and focus on your loss for having to have energy to deal with pregnancy and soon childbirth. You are probably dealing with so many emotions that is keeping you from enjoying the birth of his son since he wont be here to see him in the physical sense. It will definitely take some time to come to grips with the why's and disappointments. The longing for the missed future family milestones is normal. It is hard for two but seems harder for one to carry the load, but God's grace is sufficient. We need to talk to him, a little at a time, with a little energy we have. Please, God help me to make it today, I can not worry about tomorrow, just one moment at a time is my prayer. And, he will do it. I don't have a baby or a small child to care for, but older young adults sons who have never been on their own. I thought, God how do you expect me to know what to do with them. Accept support from caring others. See if there is local or community support help to give you a break or rest. Help with errands and such. The hospital social worker may be able to help. She should find you emotional support from someone with experience in your situation. Don't expect to be perfect or to get over this in no certain time frame. You are unique and individual and must listen to your needs. The couch is fine as long as you and baby are safe. See if a friend or relative can spend the night for a few weeks, even if they have to alternate with someone else. It should be someone you feel comfortable with and is helpful. 

We will never understand why he didn't live to see his child born because only God knows why and that is something beyond our imagination. God sometimes allows the spirit to visit back the first several months according to a book I'm reading and I have experienced it as well, and so he will still see your son.  The book is Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg and it's on page 49. 

I'm praying for you, your baby, your little daughter and for your grief recovery and happiness!