Doggy soulmate passed away

[Melk]

I’m sorry this is so long but I really need all of your help. My dog passed away on 20th June.

He was my whole life. We did everything together, he came in the car where ever I went, slept in my bed every night, I work from home so was with him 24/7.

 

I found my baby in November 2013. He was injured on the side of the road.  I pulled over, got out and sat near him he came over and sat straight in my lap and I knew right away it was meant to be. Since his wounds were stitched up the next day he has been perfectly healthy.

In September 2017 we woke up one morning and he had a golf ball sized lump on the back of his leg. I took him to the vet straight away. He had surgery to have it removed the next day. When the results came back they said it was only a granuloma and no sign of anything dangerous. He had blood tests, a urine test and X-rays to make sure nothing was wrong and they all came back clear.

On February 26 I went overseas. I had been putting it off for as long as I could and definitely waiting until I knew he was definitely ok which they assured me he was, and as he’s only 5 we still had a very long time left together. He stayed with my parents during this time who he loves and spoil him.

My mum called me at the end of April and told me he had gotten another lump overnight in the same place, and his leg had also swollen a lot this time and he got a fever. They took him straight to the vet, and they again removed the lump and put him on antibiotics to be sure. They sent it off and did all the tests again and it came back the same, as an idiopathic granuloma, meaning there was no known cause for it, as there was nothing wrong with his tests at all. I came straight home because I couldn’t stand being away from him another day. I got back and he was still having fevers.

On May 1st, we found another lump. This time it was next to his groin. I took him to the vet and they removed it. It was attached to his femoral artery and it was a long surgery to get it out safely. They missed a small section that was behind the artery and was too dangerous to remove. They sent it away and it came back as again not showing any cancerous signs, but there was an unusual number of histiocytes but nothing very concerning.

On June 12th I noticed he was having trouble going to the toilet #2 and there was blood in his urine. I took him straight to the vet and they said there was a mass in his colon. They said it was beyond them now and he had to see a specialist, so we went that day to an internal specialist vet who is 2 hours away.

She took ultrasounds, blood samples & biopsy’s. She said it could be benign histiocytic masses, which is treatable, or histiocytic sarcoma, a rare incurable cancer. The only place that is able to determine which it is is in Michigan, US, and I live in Aus. The tests were going to take 3 weeks to come back. We sent them away but She suggested that we treat him for the curable disease now because it was spreading quickly. He started on the Prednisolone June 13. The vet said to call the office if I had any worries at all over the weekend and they could call her mobile for me.

Thursday June 14 he seemed really good, he was up and about and ate 3 meals plus some snacks that day. 

Friday June 15th he seemed not great, he was really down, not eating or drinking and had a fever. I called the specialist and was told she was not working until Monday.  I told them she said to call her and they said all they could do was email her and hope she checks it. 

Saturday 16th he still wasn’t eating or drinking and was worse. His bones were suddenly starting to stick out and he was sleeping constantly. I called the emergency vet and they said to try feeding him baby food and water in a syringe till the vet was back on Monday. I fed him the baby food they told me to, I say up syringing water into his mouth at hourly intervals. He seemed to pick up a little Saturday evening and was rolling on his back which is his happy pose.

Sunday 17th. He was bad. He was sleeping constantly, when he got up in the day a few times he looked really confused like he didn’t know where he was. He still was not eating or drinking. The emergency vet again told me to keep giving him the baby food and water as that’s all that could be done until tomorrow so I did. One of his eyes had the third eyelid showing when he opened it. That night he vomited twice, both having a very small amount of blood in them.

Monday 18th we went straight into the specialist office and they put him straight onto an IV and did an ultrasound. They found that he had grown 2 new masses in the past few days, and this time they had entered his organs, his spleen and liver.

 

they wanted to keep him that night as he really needed the iv and to be monitored. She also did a biopsy on the two new masses and this time they came back as definitely Histiocytic Sarcoma. She said he needed chemo and had 3-6 months. He started chemo Monday night while he was still on the IV and being monitored.

I went in on Tuesday and spent the day with him and they said he needed to stay again because even though his vitals were all really good and stable, he was still just asleep constantly and was unresponsive. He didn’t open his eyes the whole time I was there he just slept, breathing very heavily and had some blood coming out of his nose and mouth. They said that was because of his liver problems.

I asked what was going to happen from here and she said we would see in 48 hours either he would wake up and become responsive or he would give up His fight. As I was leaving I told him (my doggy) I would be back at 10am the next day.

We had some delays the next morning and  didn’t get to leave until 9.30, meaning we would arrive at 11.30.

At 10 am , as I was driving to see him, the vet called and told me he just now had passed away.

I continued the drive and when I got there at 11.30 they let me sit in a room with him all day. 

 

I told him I would be there at 10, and if I had of been then I would have been there to hold him and comfort him during his passing. She told me there was 5 people around him comforting him at the time, and also that he was on methadone so he wasn’t in any pain.

 

I can’t stop thinking that he knew it was 10 and that I wasn’t there. I have so many questions..Did I do the wrong thing by leaving him there or Should I have bought him home on Tuesday to be at peace in bed? Was he scared? Why did this happen so quickly when just a week ago they thought it was just a benign mass that showed no cancer signs at all?! Is it my fault for not demanding that they call the vet on Friday?

she told me it was a 50/50 chance he would pull through, but that if I took him home he would definitely pass away due to the fact that he needed the IV and liver medicine. To me there was no choice, I could never ever give up on my baby and I really thought he would pull through as he’s such a fighter. But now I can not stop the awful feeling that he should of been at home, comfortable in bed where he was safe and loved.

 

I have had a lot of animals over the years come and go, but I have never felt a loss like this. B was totally different, he was my soul mate, I truely believe that. He was the best dog ever he loved every single animal he met and every single person he met and he had never ever barked.

I can not live my life without him.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry.  I feel everything you said.  No you did nothing wrong, you did not cause him anything bad, he knew you loved him.  When animals are near death, they focus on that, and to be quite honest, many of them just want to focus on getting through it, that's why so many cats go off to die alone.  They are readying themselves for what is to come.  They may not have intellectual understanding of that like humans do, but their instinct helps them prepare.  Your dog went through so much, poor baby, he did his best to fight it, but it was just too much attack on his body.  Please give yourself the gift of peace, as much as you are able, that he no longer suffers, and you will be together again!  

I hope you will read through these articles, guilt is a part of grief, it's not that you've earned it, none of us have, but grief visits us often in the form of guilt.  Personally I think it's our body's way of trying to find a different possible outcome.  We know that's not possible but our minds have a hard time wrapping around what has happened.  It's a lot to take in and we can't do it at once, it takes time to process all this.  Please keep coming here, there will be others posting shortly, you're not alone in your journey.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

[My Bradley Boy]

I am so sorry Melk. You did everything you could and your boy knows that. I just lost my baby boy of 13 years on the 18th. And I'm also struggling with his loss and feelings of guilt. I feel I should have done more or done things differently. My boy wasn't eating or drinking either, I had to force feed him.

Just know, that he knows that everything you did for him comes from a place of love. Don't beat yourself up. And know he's at peace now and will be the first one to welcome you when your time comes to go to heaven.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. Maybe someday it will all be made clear to us.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Give it time and be gentle with yourself. You were and are an amazing mom to your boy. Sending you hugs.

 

 

[Melk]

I’m so grateful to you both for taking the time to read my ridiculously long post. Thank you for your advice and support. 

Im sorry your Bradley had to also leave you. I’m also hoping that one day we will understand why things happen as they do.

[Lennon my boy]

Am so sorry for your loss am grieving too for my big beautiful black labrador Lennon who was put to rest on Tuesday He had congestive heart failure and the vet said it was the kindest thing to do as nothing else could be done for him he was on the maximum Medication and nothing else could be added in. He was diagnosed back in January and we nearly lost him 3 weeks ago but the vet started new medication with seemed to work and we were told 2 months at best but he didn't even make half of that. Am devastated and wrecked with guilt that maybe he could have had longer to live. The vet said I could have taken him away but that his heart was so bad that it would eventually give way and he would have a heart attack which would have been distressing for him. I didn't want him to suffer but the guilt having agreed to that it immense.

I took him for a private cremation and I have buried his ashes under his favourite tree I the garden and I thought I would have given some peace knowing he was in his final resting place but there's no peace only sadness and emptiness.

Am now feeling sick thinking maybe I shouldn't have cremated him and just left him as he was and buried him under the tree but I know I can't change what has been done.

Am all over the place crying off and on can't really eat. My dad who loved loved equally says ot was the only thing to do but I take no comfort in that.

 I just wanted you to know that I feel your agony. It's early days for me but the guilt and the sadness it overwhelming for me right now. My thoughts are will you.

[KayC]

@Lennon my boy  I am sorry for your loss too, very hard.  I have a close friend going through CHF too and am afraid I'll lose him.  Very tough, we're never ready for that.

Part of grief response is our guilt manifesting itself in an effort to find some other outcome.  We put on ourselves all the blame that we don't deserve...we are the very ones that gave them the life the had here, that loved them and made them happy.  Death comes to us all and sometimes, try as we might, we just can't stop it.  

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let them go so they don't have to suffer just to appease us because keeping them here is for us, letting them go is something we can do for them.  The hardest most selfless act there is.  The key is knowing when and I try to go by their quality of life and suffering to let me know when that is.

I hope you'll read the links above I posted for Melk, they're for you too.

 

[Lennon my boy]

Thank you KayC for your kind words your right to have kept Lennon alive it would have been for my benefit not his. The pain I expect is natural however I keep questioning my decision right one or not. I wish I buried him now not cremation I can't really even explain why and I thought this would be the best way to preserve him and hated the idea of his body being under the ground. I seem to be punishing myself. His ashes are protected in a beautiful casket. It's madness because neither way would have brought him back. Congestive heart failure is awful I had Lennon to the vet weekly in the last month and he was on so much medication and loosing weight too. Is this one of ur doggies that has CHF?

[Melk]

It definitely sounds like you did everything possible for him. And it takes someone extremelly loving and unselfish to make that impossible decision, to do what’s best for them. I couldn’t imagine how hard that would be.

Its also really hard to pick cremation, I also have had my baby cremated yesterday, I get to pick him up on Tuesday. I chose it because this way he can always be with us. I have made a memorial area for him with his blankie and jacket he wore when he needed comforting that I will put him on when I get him back. I also couldn’t bare the thought of him just slowly decomposing alone. 

It’s so lovely that you put him in his favourite spot, you are a really good doggy parent so don’t ever question that. 

[Lennon my boy]

Melk thank you for your message am so sorry for your loss too and hopefully you will find some comfort having your boy home with you. I have a clipping of lennon's fur along with a photo under my pillow. Life seems very joyless right now and I even feel guilty eating as Lennon cannot anymore and he loved his food so am not eating much as feel too sick anyway. My heart goes out to you, take care.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Lennon my boy said:

Thank you KayC for your kind words your right to have kept Lennon alive it would have been for my benefit not his. The pain I expect is natural however I keep questioning my decision right one or not. I wish I buried him now not cremation I can't really even explain why and I thought this would be the best way to preserve him and hated the idea of his body being under the ground. I seem to be punishing myself. His ashes are protected in a beautiful casket. It's madness because neither way would have brought him back. Congestive heart failure is awful I had Lennon to the vet weekly in the last month and he was on so much medication and loosing weight too. Is this one of ur doggies that has CHF?

No, it's a friend of mine.  I talked to him last night and he sounds better but I'm still worried about him, he doesn't take care of himself.  All I could do is get him to promise to sign up for Obamacare next window of opportunity, to take his medicines, to go to the hospital without waiting if he's in distress, regardless of $.  

You say you seem to be punishing yourself, perhaps that plays into your questioning what you did with his body.  You cremated him, so you can keep his ashes with you.  His spirit is free and he is happy.  I hope you've viewed the video "The Rainbow Bridge" earlier in this thread.  Although it may or may not transpire exactly as shown here, I believe it will be something akin to that, they will await us but not with anxiety or sorrow, they will be happy meanwhile and free from suffering.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Lennon my boy said:

I have a clipping of lennon's fur along with a photo under my pillow. Life seems very joyless right now and I even feel guilty eating as Lennon cannot anymore and he loved his food so am not eating much as feel too sick anyway.

We do some strange things in our grief, I remember having a hard time eating when my husband died...not only because I had no appetite due to all the stress and shock I was in but also I'd think about how I'd bought or made this food for HIM and now he would never get to eat it.  I hope this abates for you. 

If you're unable to eat right now, maybe make some smoothies to get by on meanwhile, at least it's a bit of nutrition.  I make one that contains all of the food groups:  Bananas, strawberries, spinach, yogurt, protein powder, granola, and some orange juice concentrate.  It's really soothing and tasty and I'm able to eat it when I'm not up to a whole meal.

[Lennon my boy]

@KayC you are a strong lady KayC having lost your husband and pulling yourself together again as much as one possibly could in times like these. Lennon was my first dog as an adult as I had dogs growing up as a child. He was a cheeky rouge and always running away to find some adventure am trying to focus on the happy memories I have with Lennon. The guilt I do expect is with what I done with his body too as much as actually letting him pass. I picked a pet crematorium near to a location where we often went on holiday and I drove him myself from the vet with my husband and kissed and cuddled him before he was cremated. There were no other animals there and I got to see where he was going to be cremated and explained to me how it would be done. It was very dignified and respectful and I brought his ashes home with me. Am still not content I suppose u can't be whatever way you decide to lay their body to rest. My friend said that if I had buried him I would probably be worried and him getting wet in the ground and stuff like that. God knows I have just been out to the garden where his ashes are under his favourite tree protected in a beautiful wooden casket. I have started yesterday collecting stones to place around his burial sight hoping this well help.

Let me know how your friend gets on congestive heart failure is a horrible illness. Here is a picture of me and my boy. I love him so much my heart is aching 

[KayC]

That is a beautiful picture!  I love the white around his muzzle, and his eyes.  It's easy to see how much you love him.  We usually buried our animals, but one we had to donate his body to science because he was too big to bury, it was January and the ground was frozen.  I'll probably have to cremate Arlie when the time comes, although I'd love to bury him in his pen, he feels so secure there, but too many tree roots, I could never get a hole dug big enough, the ground is hard there.  These practical considerations are valid.

Your friend is probably right.  We can digest something to pieces!  

My friend sounds better with his CHF but his mom passed away yesterday so he's really being hit hard.  He just found her a year ago, the state took their kids away when he was a baby because when they were moving, the babysitter left the kids alone.  So unfair, but that's how the state did things back then.  She was a wonderful woman, and he would have been better off with his natural parents than he was with his adoptive parents who had 12 marriages between them and abused him besides.  He was much like his mom in looks, intelligence, humor.  I grew to love her in the short time I knew her.